


Lost Memories

by Quibilah



Category: The Order (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Engagement, F/M, Fluff, Fluff to Angst, Heavy Angst, Mild reference to attempted suicide, mild reference to past rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:41:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 53,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28964811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quibilah/pseuds/Quibilah
Summary: When Hamish takes the memory potion, he finds that Vera had powdered him long before they defeated Coventry. Why did she do it and why was she acting as if she didn't know him before they met in the den that day?CHAPTER ONE CAN BE READ AS A STAND ALONE ONE-SHOT STORY.Enough interest was shown to turn this one-shot into a multi chapter story, but it doesn't have to be read as a whole.
Relationships: Hamish Duke/Vera Stone, Past Hamish Duke/Cassie, Past Hamish Duke/Vera Stone
Comments: 396
Kudos: 98





	1. Hamish's Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I should REALLY be focusing on Claimed and planning Bonded, but well...here we are. I had a snippet of a dream and my muse won't let me write anything else until I get this out.
> 
> Vera is 28 and Hamish is 22 in this.

Hamish heard himself spewing his high school locker combination, but a different memory started flooding his mind as he backed himself up against the window. This couldn’t be real, could it? No, absolutely not, there was no way. But the images of their life together continued to come.

* * *

Nine years ago

He was in the process of drawing a bath for her when he heard the front door slam open and quickly made his way into the living room. Vera’s back was to him as she quickly shrugged off her coat and hung it on the rack before turning around with a giant smile on her face.

“You got it?” He asked picking up on her excitement as she nodded vigorously and threw herself into his arms. He couldn’t stop himself from twirling her around as they both laughed with joy. When he set her down, both hands came to cup her face before he kissed her passionately.

“I _knew_ you would get it. They would have been fools to give it to anyone else.” She pulled him into another breathless kiss before pulling back with a wide smile.

“I can’t believe it. I _just_ finished my doctorate less than three months ago. The others were _so_ much older and more qualified, but they chose me! Hamish, I’m going to be the Chancellor _and_ Temple Magus!” Happy tears were filling her eyes as she ran a hand through her hair again.

“Marry me.” Her hand froze in mid air at his words and wide eyes turned towards his shocked face. Before she could say anything, he held up one finger and ran out of the room towards their bedroom.

She was still frozen in shock when he raced out of the room and dropped to a knee in front of her, a small black velvet box in his hand. Hamish captured her left hand and pulled it to his lips, placing a gentle kiss to her ring finger.

“I had planned on that going a _little_ differently tonight, but god Vera! Seeing you so happy, it just slipped out. The past eighteen months with you have been incredible but I want more. I want this for the rest of our lives.

“I want to wake up and fall asleep beside you every day in the house with walls made of glass that we’ve imagined so many times. To watch our children playing in the backyard with those two dogs we’ve talked about. I want to grow old beside you, Vera. I want it all, I want you to be my wife.”

Her mouth opened and closed several times as her eyes were pulled towards the box to see the beautiful ring. Tears fell from her eyes as a choked sob broke through her lips. Her head was nodding as she held out her hand for him to slip the ring onto her finger.

“I love you.” He whispered before pulling her into another deep kiss that was broken from their happy laughter.

“We’re _engaged!_ ” Her words were filled with awe as she looked down at the ring sparkling on her finger in their clasped hands before meeting his loving gaze. “I love you so much.”

* * *

It was three months later, two months into term that Hamish came home to see Vera crying on the couch as she starred at an unopened bridal magazine clutched in her hands. He rushed to her side and pulled her into his arms as she sobbed and told him how she didn’t deserve to be so happy when life was so unfair.

“What happened?” He knew she wasn’t taking back their engagement but something serious had hurt her. The grief she was experiencing right now was close to when she had told him about the death of her daughter.

“One of the Medicums found Rachel, my new Acolyte torn to shreds. She was the sweetest girl you would ever meet, and something ripped her heart out and left her lying like trash in the middle of the woods. Hamish, I failed her. I don’t know what to do...”

“Shh, Vera it wasn’t your fault. It sounds like some kind of wild animal, we’ll find it together and stop it before it hurts anyone else, okay?” She nodded through her tears as she buried her face further into his chest and she cried over the death of one of her disciples.

* * *

“It’s _not_ a wild animal, Hamish! It’s a werewolf and it’s killing people.” Vera screamed at him while throwing her glass across the room. “I _need_ you to stay here until I can find…”

“I’m not letting you handle this alone, Vera! _Talk_ to me, let me help! It’s been three weeks since you lost Rachel and more often than not, I come home to find you drunk or crying…”

“Because my students are dying and I can’t stop the thing killing them, Hamish! I can’t even find it! I know they’re a werewolf, but they’re still a person and I should be able to track them, but I can’t! If you go out there, it will kill you just like it keeps killing my students. I can’t lose you Hamish.”

He wrapped his arms around her, ignoring the way she was trying to push him off of her. When she was fully encompassed in his embrace she broke down and clutched him tightly.

“You’re not going to lose me, Vera. I promise.” He silently promised her to find the person responsible for killing her students and get rid of them.

* * *

Two weeks later, Hamish woke up in an unfamiliar room, naked and covered in blood. A figure was standing over him and his hands quickly moved to cover himself from the girl’s gaze. She smirked and slowly trailed her eyes along the rest of his naked form before crouching down and offering her hand to shake.

“Welcome to the pack, well, soon to be pack. It’s just us two right now. My name’s Cassie by the way…” Hamish stared at her with wide eyes before looking down at all the blood covering him.

“You turned me into a werewolf.” This couldn’t be happening. No, please god don’t let it be true. The girl’s impressed smile told him it was, however.

“I knew you had to be smart to track me down, and then when Tundra chose you it just confirmed it, but damn you’re good. Though technically _I_ didn’t turn you into a werewolf, Tundra did. He chose you as his Champion…”

“Undo it.” Her eyes widened as she shook her head.

“No. It’s not possible…”

“I didn’t ask for this!” Vera was bound by her organization to kill the wolves. _Him_ now. He couldn’t put that on her, he couldn’t let her suffer more.

“You shouldn’t have followed me then! It was either give you a chance to become one of us or kill you and I didn’t want to kill you.”

“Why not?! You’ve certainly killed plenty of others!” Cassie’s gaze grew hard as her arms crossed.

“You’re different from them. But that’s _our_ job, yours too now…”

“I will _never_ kill a defenseless kid!” Hamish snarled but he felt something pushing against him inside.

“They’re _not_ defenseless! They are monsters and it’s our job to keep everyone else safe from them. You chose to follow me, now you must live with those consequences. I _saved_ you, so either accept your role as a Knight or become a prisoner to your hide when magic is used. Either way you’ll do your job.”

“I _won’t_ kill for you!” He growled darkly before pushing himself off the floor and making his way out of the house, grabbing a blanket on the way to cover himself.

* * *

Two days was all it took for his words to be proved wrong. He woke up covered in blood to find a Medicum he knew dead beside him, heart ripped from his chest. He had kept his change from Vera, hoping he would be able to control the thing within him and save her from the pain, but he’d made it worse. _He_ had killed one of her students this time.

He found himself walking into their home and shutting the door on autopilot. When he turned around, he froze as his gaze landed on Vera’s terrified eyes. He opened his mouth to greet her, but no words came out as he fell to his knees and started to weep.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered when her arms wrapped themselves around him and he felt her crying with him. “Charlie, he’s…I killed him. I couldn’t stop it.” He sobbed into her shoulder as his arms tightened around her waist.

“When?” She asked quietly almost two hours later as they sat on the couch, him finally cleaned from the young man’s blood. Hamish knew she wasn’t asking when he killed Charlie, but when he had turned.

“Two days ago. I woke up naked and covered in blood. They made me one of them and there’s no way to reverse it. It takes over when it senses magic, there’s no way to stop it. Vera, you need to kill me…”

“What?! Absolutely not. No. No were not discussing this…” Her face showed how horrified she was with the suggestion, but Hamish clasped her hands, his thumb running along her engagement ring before he slowly started to pull it off her finger.

Vera curled her fingers tightly as she sobbed to prevent him from getting the ring off. She heard his own sob as he forced her finger straight and removed the ring before placing it in her palm.

“Vera, you _have_ to. I know _everything_ about The Order, including you being the head of this Chapter. This thing inside of me? It _hates_ you and will take the first chance it gets to kill you. If you have a nightmare and use magic, it will force its way out and rip your…No, I _can’t_ wake up to that Vera, please.”

“You promised me I wouldn’t lose you and now you’re asking me to kill you? I _love_ you Hamish, you can’t ask me to do that!” She pulled him forward to kiss him through their tears before he gently pushed her back and used two fingers to brush her hair behind her ear.

“Then make me forget, I know you always carry it…” Her head was shaking again, and he pulled her closer till their foreheads were resting together. “You _need_ to, Vera. You need to give me up. Make me forget our life together so I can’t hurt you. Please Vera, if you can’t kill me, you need to do this. It’s the only way we both can stay alive.”

“But it might not work with that thing inside of you. If we start over without you knowing about The Order, and I have a nightmare, it could still force its way out…” He took a deep breath and brought his other hand up to hold her head to his before he interrupted her panicked words.

“I know, which is why you need to give me up. Move on…”

“No, Hamish. I _can’t_!” Her hands were fists in his hair as she shook her head, desperately hoping for some third solution to present itself. As if the world heard her plea, he voiced another solution.

“Okay, okay. I’ll take care of it, just keep your eyes closed, okay?” Her brain refused to register the meaning behind his words as he pulled away from her until his pained grunt filled her ears and her eyes snapped open.

“NO!” She screamed as she ran into the kitchen and collapsed beside his crumpled form. The large knife protruding from his abdomen did little to stem the blood that was pouring from the wound. Her hands shook before opening and the ring clattered to the ground and rolled away from them.

“I told you to…keep your eyes closed…” His bloody hand came up to wipe her tears from her face which allowed her to pull the knife from him and bring both hands over the wound. Still the blood flowed between her fingers.

“You idiot! You goddamn _fucking_ idiot!” She yanked off her shirt and wadded it into a ball before pushing down hard to stem the bleeding.

“I love you so much.” He tried to push her hands away but the blood he’d already lost made him too weak to compete with her. “Vera, sweetheart, you _need_ to let me go…”

 _“NO!_ I’m _not_ losing you! _”_ She snarled before closing her eyes and muttering a few words under her breath to heal the damage. The crushing blow to her torso sent her flying across the room and crashing into their bookshelf.

Vera’s eyes opened to see a giant silver wolf pushing its way out of Hamish and knew it was Hamish that had thrown her away from him. His blue eyes met hers as he silently pleaded with her to stop him before silver irises took over and a deep snarl filled their home.

She dragged herself painfully towards the coat rack as the giant wolf stalked towards her and pulled it down on top of her. Her hand pushed its way into her purse and closed around the bag of powder just as she felt the beast grab her ankle and yank her towards him.

“I love you.” She whispered with tears streaming down her face before a cloud of powder surrounded the grey wolf. Vera watched him stagger before Hamish became visible again and collapsed unconscious against her.

Through thick tears she gave him all of his memories of his life, everything from childhood to him majoring in law. But everything regarding _their_ life together was erased.

When he woke several hours later, the only thing he knew about Vera Stone was that she was Belgrave’s Chancellor. He remembered thinking how empty his apartment had felt when he woke up but couldn’t figure out why. Everything was exactly as he remembered it.

It was when he was sweeping the kitchen the next day that he found his grandmother’s engagement ring on the floor that he knew something must have happened. He didn’t even remember getting the ring from his safe deposit box so how was it here?

He couldn't remember anything, but all he felt in his apartment was a suffocating depression, same with his law classes. He had quickly moved into the den after Cassie offered and switched majors.

It wasn’t long after he moved into the den that he and Cassie started dating and fell in love. He would occasionally get a whiff of perfume around campus that was familiar to him and would fill him with unexplainable joy and sadness but could never understand _why_.

Him and Cassie were together two years before she died and she had often hedged around the topic of marriage, especially when she found the black box in his bedside drawer, but it never felt right to him.

He couldn’t escape the feeling that the ring already belonged to someone. It was the reason he kept it all those years, why it was still in his bedside drawer. And now he _knew_ why.

The ring was _hers._ It would _always_ be hers.


	2. She’s Moved On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after last chapters overwhelming response of course I had to continue. Hopefully you like where my Muse takes us.

CHAPTER TWO

Hamish studied Vera closely when she came out from performing the respondio incantation. She was so different now, colder and closed off. Her smile was fake. The same one he had seen her wear on numerous occasions when they’d gone out and someone would comment on their age gap or make some comment hinting that she slept her way into her position.

He tried to hold her gaze, give her that smile she always fell for without fail. The same one that had gotten her to finally agree to go out with him, but there was nothing in her eyes.

She felt nothing for him anymore. He tried to tell himself to let it be, to allow her to continue living her life. It wasn’t fair for him to disrupt the life she’d built for herself after nine years.

He had forced her hand back then. He forced her to make him forget about her and their life together and he _had_. Within days he had moved out of his suffocating apartment and into the den. That same night he had gotten drunk and agreed to sleep with Cassie and they just never stopped.

They were inseparable around campus, the cute but annoyingly clingy couple that always had to hold hands and shared food. He now knew why he had clung so tightly to Cassie back then. Why he refused to let her out of his site, afraid he would lose her the second he looked away.

He was desperately trying to hold onto something he’d already lost. Subconsciously he was grieving the sudden loss of Vera. His _fiancé_.

He couldn’t control Tundra back then and had made Vera give him up. She had to suffer alone as her fiancé moved on with another woman. The same woman, unbeknownst to Vera and him at the time, that had been responsible for everything bad that had happened that year.

The thought of what she’d gone through made him sick and he heaved into the bucket before him. The doors to Vera’s office opened as he was getting sick and her annoyed voice grated through the room.

“I asked you to _clean_ the altar, not make it worse Acolyte. You may go.” She didn’t even look up from the papers in her hand as she continued walking. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, even the way she held herself now was different.

“Are you okay dude?” Jack asked nudging his shoulder and Hamish could do nothing more than shake his head as he removed his gloves and stumbled out of the temple. All those times he’d caught the scent of her perfume, he’d been with Cassie.

She had to watch him living happily with another woman and could do nothing to stop it because he had begged her to give him up. _Everything_ with Cassie had been built on a false foundation. Had he ever actually loved her or were his feelings for Vera shifting onto the only logical person in his life? He knew the answer before he finished the thought.

He had _hated_ Cassie and everything about being a wolf in the two days before he’d lost his memory. He hated her even more, now that he knew what she had cost him. The _only_ good thing that had come from his relationship with her was that he had been able to stop her from killing anymore of Vera’s students that year. It wasn’t worth it. Vera and him, had had a whole life together!

He was going to introduce Vera to his parents that Christmas and tell them of their engagement. Instead, he had brought Cassie home. They were going to buy that house with the glass walls, but instead he’d moved in with Cassie.

They were supposed to be getting married after the end of the school year, instead he found himself in a long and heated argument with Cassie after she found the ring. She didn’t understand how he couldn’t be ready if he already had the ring, even if it was too small for her finger, they could easily get it resized.

And _kids._ God, they had talked so many times about having kids when he finished his degree. Instead, him and Cassie had welcomed freshmen into their pack, only to watch them die a few short months after they were chosen. Randall was the only one to survive.

Hamish sat on his bed and stared at the engagement ring for hours as he remembered their life together. He had wanted her to keep this, a part of him that would always be hers even if _he_ couldn’t remember her. He knew she hadn’t meant to leave it. It had rolled into a place he hadn’t seen it until he swept.

He heard Lilith knocking on the door and tried to hide the ring before she opened the door, but it was too late. He heard her surprised gasp and met her gaze with his own.

Whatever she saw on his face must have worries her because his bedroom door shut, and she quickly made her to sit beside him. She didn’t say anything as his gaze turned back to the box and slowly opened it to stare at the ring again.

“We were engaged, Lil.” His broken words were accompanied by a pained gasp as he tried to stem the tears from falling. Lilith brought her hand to Hamish’s shoulder and gave a comforting squeeze before rubbing his back gently.

“I didn’t know that…”

“Neither did I.” Lilith looked at his profile to see him almost in shock as he stared at the ring.

“What do you mean?” She didn’t understand how he could have been engaged to Cassie and not know about it, especially from what Randall had told her from the short time he’d known her.

Randall had said the topic of marriage was an extremely common conversation between the two, almost every time they’d sleep together, the yelling would start shortly after.

It always ended with Cassie storming out of the room irritated and yelling, and he quoted; ‘You’ve had the fucking ring in that drawer for over a _year_ now. How can you still not be ready! _You’re_ the one that got the ring in the first place!”

“I forced her to powder me to keep her safe.” That stopped Lilith’s thoughts in their tracks.

“Cassie was in The Order?” Hamish’s head snapped up and his gaze held confusion, anger and despair.

“What?”

“You said you made her powder you…” His face hardened as he looked back at the ring, one finger gently trailing along it.

“ _Not_ Cassie. _She’s_ the reason Vera had to powder me. _She’s_ the reason I had to forget about Vera.” Stunned into silence, Lilith just watched him with wide eyes as her brain tried to process what he was saying.

“We were so happy, for almost two years and Cassie ruined _everything_ by forcing me to become a Knight! We were planning our entire future together and to keep her safe from me and Tundra, I had to forget her. Vera was losing disciple after disciple her first year as Temple Magus. They were all good kids, but Cassie just kept killing them.

“Vera couldn’t stop her, I just wanted to stop coming home to see her in so much pain. I went out against her wishes to try and find the person responsible for killing her students. Instead, Cassie turned me into a monster, and I killed one myself. Charlie was a _good_ kid and because of Cassie, I killed him!

“I knew after Charlie that I couldn’t control Tundra if magic was used and Vera…she used to have terrible nightmares where she would unconsciously use magic. I couldn’t risk waking up to her dead beside me by my hands, so I forced her to make me forget _everything_ I knew about The Order by trying to kill myself.

“She couldn’t let me go though. She tried to save me with magic and I lost control. She did do it in the end though, our entire life together was erased. I woke up to all traces of her gone from our home, but she forgot this. She was supposed to keep this. This will _always_ be her ring.”

Lilith waited and absorbed his words as he quietly cried beside her, remembering the life that was stolen from them. She had hated Vera, but this could explain why she had been so closed off and distant to the disciples.

She couldn’t allow herself to get close to any of them. Not after her first year of losing so many. Not after her own fiancé had been turned into a monster and killed one of her students against his will and she had to make him forget their life together. Not since she had to lose him as well.

“Do you still love her?” She asked quietly and Hamish’s ‘ _yes’_ was out of his mouth before he could even consider the question. He didn’t need to though, she was his entire life at one point and with those memories returned, she was again.

“She’s moved on though. She looks straight through me now. I promised she wouldn’t lose me and then turned around and asked her to kill me or make me forget. She didn’t want to, but she did it _for_ me and I moved in with Cassie days later and we started sleeping together. Vera had to watch me being that sickeningly sweet boyfriend in public with another woman days after she lost me.”

“Oh god.” Lilith couldn’t stop the horrified words from escaping. No wonder Vera was so distant. She had to watch her ex-fiancé _everyday_ knowing he couldn’t remember her or their life together as he moved on with a different woman.

“I still…I want her to have this. Will you help me get it to her?” He looked lost and broken as he asked, and she found herself nodding as she reached over and wrapped her hand around the box.

“Of course, Hamish. We’ll figure out some way to put it in her desk of something, okay?” He nodded but turned back to look at the ring. “Are you going to talk to her now that your memories are back?”

“No. She’s moved on; I don’t want to hurt her by dredging up our past. I’ve hurt her enough as it is.” He placed the open box on top of his night table before curling up on his side in the bed as he continued staring at the ring.

“I’d like to be alone.” Lilith knew better than to push, especially when it came to Hamish. She offered one last comforting squeeze to his arm before quietly leaving the room. Both Jack and Randall were standing right outside the door with mouths open and eyes wide.

She covered both their mouths before they could say anything and jerked her head indicating they all go outside. When they reached the tree line and were safely out of earshot, Randall couldn’t stop himself.

“It makes so much sense! I mean, not him and Vera, that’s just way too weird to imagine right now. But moving right on past that for the moment, him and Cassie were always butting heads. She always wanted to kill first and never ask questions, but Hamish wanted to wait for the person to do bad magic before acting. Him needing to do his job and her needing to follow his and Tundra’s lead was a constant argument.

“And the whole him having an engagement ring in his night table but not being ready to get married?! Of course he wasn’t! It was never _for_ Cassie. He must have known on some level that it was Vera’s…god, that’s weird right? It’s not just me that thinks that, right?”

“Not just you.”

“Definitely weird.” Jack and Lilith responded, still shocked over the whole thing. All three were quiet for several minutes before Randall spoke up.

“We’re going to help him, right? See if there’s something there still? I mean, I’m not exactly Vera’s number one fan at the moment, but thinking about everything that must have happened back then, I can understand her side a bit better.

“Cassie was _brutal_ when I knew her and that was with Hamish stopping her from killing constantly. I could absolutely see her killing good kids just because they practiced magic. She was probably just trying to keep her disciples safe because of what Cassie had done.”

“Hamish said he doesn’t want…” Jack started even though it was clear from his face that he wanted to help so Randall and Lilith just waved him off.

“I promised to help get the ring to her. We just need to get in her office somehow…”

“Alyssa might be willing to help if we tell her what happened?” Jack offered rubbing the back of his head nervously. The two of them were definitely on rocky ground right now, but there was a chance.

“Call her!” Lilith gestured impatiently as Randall nodded while he pulled out his phone.

“For two people that absolutely hated Vera less than an hour ago, you both are awfully eager to play matchmakers between her and Hamish…”

“It’s not playing matchmaker if they were already together. They would probably already be married by now if it weren’t for a former Knight. We’re just fixing our predecessors mess.”

“Yeah, what she said. Plus, it’s for Hamish.” The three wolves looked towards the second floor of the den where they knew Hamish was and frowned. Alyssa’s _‘hello?’_ coming from Jack’s phone pulled their attention back.

“Alyssa, we need your help, are you alone?”

_“Yes. What are you idiots up to now?”_

“I know you’re not going to believe us, but we’re trying to help Vera.” Her scoff had Randall rolling his eyes and pulling the phone out of Jack’s hand.

“We made a memory potion to restore all our memories. Hamish and Vera used to be engaged but he made her wipe his memories when he became a Knight to keep her safe. He still loves her but doesn’t want to interfere in her life because he _thinks_ she’s moved on and he doesn’t want to hurt her. He still wants to get her ring back to her though…”

“Seriously Randall?! We weren’t going to tell her until she agreed to help!” Lilith growled yanking the phone away from him causing his eyes to roll again and wave her off.

_“You’re joking right? This is some kind of revenge plan for taking your memories?”_

“With how complicated everything is, I _wish_ that were it. But Hamish is curled up on his bed right now unable to stop staring at that ring. His life, _their_ life, was stolen from them when he became a Knight.” Lilith said and Randall and Jack’s eyes widened as her voice shook slightly. She scowled at both of them before flipping them off and turning her back on them.

“We _just_ want your help so we can get the ring into her office. We’ll spend the day hanging out in the Temple and monitor her, see if there’s still something there. If there’s nothing, we’ll help him move on but if there _is_ something, they deserve a second chance. Alyssa, he tried to kill himself back then just to save her from himself. Help us do this for both of them.”

 _“Fine, tomorrow morning she has a staff meeting from nine to ten. We can slip in and leave the ring on her desk before she gets back. But if this blows up, you’re taking the fall for it. And_ don’t _let her know you have your memories back!”_

“We’ll be there. Thank you, Alyssa.” She hung up the phone and tossed it back to Jack. “Don’t say _anything_ to Hamish about our plan, but make sure he’s at the Temple tomorrow _just_ before she gets back. He’ll be able to read her best and we can read him.”

She waited for both of them to nod before they made their way back into the Den. Lilith quietly made her way up towards Hamish’s room and knocked gently before opening the door. His eyes weren’t looking at the box anymore but instead at the empty side of the bed and her heart plummeted at his lost look.

“Alyssa offered to let me in the reliquary tomorrow morning. Do you want me to take it now or…?”

“Yes.” His voice was distant and lacking its usual warmth. Her hand closed around the box as she looked at his vacant eyes staring straight ahead. This had to work, there had to be something there.

* * *

Alyssa was shifting nervously beside Lilith as they watched Vera enter her office and the wolf shoved her slightly. The blond glared down at her before her eyes returned to the closed doors.

“You seriously need to _calm_ down.” She whispered before looking towards Hamish and the other two. He looked much better today but the smile he was wearing was clearly fake and his eyes were still distant.

“There’s way more people here then I was expecting, what if she reacts badly and…” Speak of the devil. All eyes snapped towards the doors that had just opened to see Vera standing there looking irritated as she held the box up.

“Someone must have dropped this while doing research because there’s no way any of you would be dumb enough to purposefully leave this on my desk. Whose is this?” Lilith’s eyes flicked towards Hamish to see confusion on his face.

“What’s in it?” Hamish asked, pulling Vera’s annoyed gaze to him.

“What do you _think_ would be in a small velvet box, Acolyte? A car?” Her words were dripping with sarcasm as she glared at him. He knew she wasn’t actually asking him, but he couldn’t stop himself from answering.

“A number of things. Earrings, a necklace, a ring, sometimes even keys. How can we know unless you open it?” He watched her eyes roll in annoyance before opening the lid and looking at the ring. Her brow raised at the site, but she just turned it to the room and showed it to everyone.

“Anyone planning on getting married anytime soon?” When no one stepped forward she let out a huff of irritation and walked towards the bar to set the ring down.

“Fine, you don’t want to come forward and claim it in front of everyone, there it is. I will admit that whoever it belongs to certainly has good taste but is lacking common sense. Next time make sure to hold onto it until you actually pop the question. It’d be a shame to lose something so beautiful.”

She didn’t say anything else or look at anyone as she returned to her office and slammed the doors. Before anyone else could move, Hamish grabbed the box and left The Temple in a hurry.

When the others caught up with him, he was bent forward and breathing heavily. Lilith’s hand landed on his back as she looked helplessly at the others.

“I’m sorry Hamish. We can try something else. She probably just didn’t realize it was _her_ ring…”

“No, that’s not it. This ring is special. It’s one of a kind and she knew that, but she still asked a whole room _full_ of disciples who it belonged to. If she didn’t know this was her ring or that it came from me, it only means one thing.” He didn’t know whether to be happy or crushed as he forced himself to stand up straight.

“What’s that?” He looked at her with sad eyes before looking towards the ring.

“She said she couldn’t lose me or give me up. She didn’t move on, she couldn’t. She doesn’t know about me or our life together because she couldn’t live without me. Just like she tried to tell me.” He snapped the ring box shut as his hand tightened around it.

“Are you suggesting she powdered herself? That’s not possible and there’s no way she would let someone else do it.” Alyssa said in shock.

“She’s _so_ much smarter than you think she is. She found a way to do it herself and she erased _just_ me from her memories so she could continue living.” 

“Are you sure, Hamish? Could it be possible she was just putting on a show and trying to get you to back off without confronting you one on one?” Lilith’s words were gentle, but Hamish shook his head vigorously.

“We were together for nearly two years and I lived with her for seventeen months. I _know_ when she’s putting on an act. That just now was no act. There was _no_ recognition in her eyes. With the ring _or_ me. She _doesn’t_ remember.”

“Okay, so we make her take the potion.” Randall offered before Hamish sent a withering glare at him.

“And how do you propose we do that? She doesn’t know or trust _any_ of us. And there’s no way in hell I’m risking her life if she doesn’t drink it in one go…”

“So, offer her a shot…”

“Just drop it already, it’s _over!”_ He snarled before leaving, the four of them watching his retreating form. Randall looked at the other four.

“We’re not going to drop it, right?”

“Nope.”

“Hell no.”

“They’re both going to kill us, but I’m in.” Jack added after Lilith and Alyssa causing three grins and one hesitant smile to form as they huddled together to try and come up with a plan to _safely_ drug Vera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vera erased her own memories because she couldn't live without him 😭😭
> 
> Thoughts?


	3. Jack's Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly cannot believe the overwhelming support you guys are giving me for this story. 😍 My Muse is on like Cloud 9 that consists of just Vermish plots and has literally not stopped flooding my mind with ideas for this story, Claimed, Bonded (not out yet as it's Part 2 of Claimed) and another one-shot that will (should 🤞🙏) be all fluff when I actually find the time to write it...hopefully AFTER this one as writing two stories that are both at pivotal points is draining😰😵💫 (I actually love it when my Muse is excited so keep 'em coming!!☺️)

CHAPTER THREE

When Hamish walked into the almost deserted Temple the next evening, his gaze immediately found Vera leaning against the bar. He scowled slightly as he saw Lilith behind the bar in front of Vera mixing a drink. Looking around he saw the only other occupants in the room were huddled together.

Jack, Randall and Alyssa were actively avoiding his gaze and knew _exactly_ what was about to happen. Swallowing his growl, he quickly made his way towards the bar.

Just as Lilith placed the drink in front of Vera, Hamish ‘tripped’ and stumbled into the bar, knocking the drink off the counter and shattering the glass on the floor. The female wolf's eyes went wide as she shied away from his dangerous glare and quickly moved out from behind the bar.

“My apologies Grand Magus, allow me to make you something else to replace that one I ruined.” He couldn’t bring himself to meet her gaze as he walked behind the bar and started pulling out different ingredients. It was only when he finished and went to hand it over that he realized he had made her _their_ drink.

“Is this one _also_ set to wind up on the floor?” He snapped his gaze to her face to see impatience and mild amusement as she held her hand out for the drink he was holding awkwardly between them. With a deep breath, he handed her the drink with a forced smile and watched her carefully as she took a small sip.

“Hmm, it’s good. Seems you’re better at mixing drinks then you are cleaning. Speaking of which, clean that up.” With hands tight on the bar to hold himself in check he watched her walk away from him until she was in the safety of her office.

The second the doors were close, he quickly bent over and picked up part of the shattered glass and brought it to his nose. The smell was faint but having so recently smelled it he picked up on it immediately and growled as he leveled a dark glare at the other four occupants in the room.

“I told you to drop it. You didn’t listen to me and you almost killed her just now…”

“No, Hamish we thought about that. It was such a small drink that she would have easily finished it all at…”

“She would _never_ take more than a sip from a drink made by someone she doesn’t trust to make sure it wasn’t laced with something. It’s been nine _years,_ she has a life now, leave her be!” He waited for the others to nod before storming out of the Temple, unable to stay there any longer.

“I have an idea.” Jack muttered quietly after the eldest Knight left. The other three turned to him in shock as he was the one most reluctant to join in on their scheming.

“This is a surprise. What have you got?” Lilith asked leaning forward with her elbows on her knees.

“It’s totally safe _and_ if it works, she’ll brew the potion and take it all on her own…”

“I like it, I’m in.” Randall interrupted, earning two annoyed glances from the women in front of him. “Right, what’s the plan?” Jack looked around to make sure no one had walked in before leaning forward and telling them.

“That’s actually not a bad idea. We’ll have to be careful, but between both of us it should be possible.” Lilith responded indicating her and Alyssa who nodded in agreement. “When do we want to do it?”

“Why not now? No one is here except for us and I’ll have enough time to grab the stuff from the den?” Randall was already out of his seat and running for the door. Lilith looked towards Alyssa in exasperation before raising her brow.

“Ready?”

“To attack the Grand Magus? Yeah, sure…what could _possibly_ go wrong?”

“Technically _I’ll_ be the one attacking her, you’re just the distraction.” The blond rolled her eyes but couldn’t stop the small smile breaking out as she stood and made her way towards the reliquary. When Lilith was in position Alyssa took a steadying breath knocked before waiting for the doors to open.

“Ms. Drake?” Vera’s bored drawl floated out of the room as she flipped the page of the book she was looking at.

“I was wondering if you could help me with something…” She let out a huff of annoyance before shutting her book and looking up.

“What can I do for…” Vera’s question went unfinished as her head lolled forward and her body went slack. Alyssa quickly ran around the desk and caught Vera just before her head connected with the desk and gently laid her against it as Lilith walked up and pocketed Vera’s phone.

“Damn, I’m _good_.” She accepted the high five from Jack before he stepped back out of the room and closed the door to stand guard and make sure no one saw the Grand Magus unconscious at her desk while they waited for Randall to get back.

It wasn’t too long before the other wolf was running back into the Temple trying, and failing, to hide something bulky in his sweatshirt with one hand while the other held a large duffle bag. He looked around to see no one was there and set the duffle bag to lift his shirt with a grin.

“Dude, you seriously brought the _whole_ bag? All we needed was a handful.” He snatched the bag from Randall and knocked on the door before they both slipped in. Vera was still passed out on her desk from Lilith’s sleep spell and Alyssa quickly stepped forward and grabbed the bag Jack was holding.

“We _really_ didn’t need all of this, it's just going to make a mess afterwards.” She muttered opening the bag and taking out a handful while the others started changing into the spare clothes Randall had brought.

“Everyone’s a critic. Just blow the damn stuff on her and let’s get out of here already!” Randall grumbled yanking the new sweatshirt over his head. See if he helps any of them ever again. Lilith smirked slightly as she pulled on a change of pants while Alyssa opened her hand and blew the flour over Vera’s unconscious form. 

"I still can't believe you tricked the others with a handful of flour last year. Getting the sleep incantation to stick to it was genius." Alyssa beamed at the compliment from Jack and accepted the shirt he was holding out for her. Randall had grabbed one of Lilith's more girly shirts for her to wear.

“Quick, we need to get out of here before she wakes up!” Alyssa whispered as she quickly shoved them out of the office when Vera’s fingers started twitching.

They had just enough time to run towards to exit and out of site when they heard her office doors slam open. Randall quietly continued on, needing to hide the duffle bag down, now filled with flour covered clothes as the other two looked towards Lilith for her signal.

“Ready? Three, two, one.” Lilith mouthed before her and casually started walking back into the Temple joking around about one of the professors they both had at one point.

“Magus.” Jack greeted nonchalantly as he plopped down onto the couch and Lilith walked towards the bar to get them both a drink. Alyssa came in about a minute later and took the seat opposite him, back facing Vera and pulled out one of the spell books she had just taken from Vera's office as the older woman's eyes trailed over them.

“Ms. Drake?” The blond took a deep breath before turning to look at a confused Vera with a small smile.

“Grand Magus?” Her voice stayed even, and she let out a small sigh of relief when Vera’s expression didn’t change.

“You wanted my help with something?” Vera kicked herself internally for the doubt that laced her words, but Alyssa’s head cocked to side in confusion.

“That was a week ago Grand Magus, we already got it all sorted out. Thank you by the way.” She said holding up the book and turning away from the shocked stare drilling into the back of her head. Alyssa looked towards Jack with frightened eyes when she heard nothing coming from behind her, but the subtle movement of his hand told her that Vera was reacting the way they had anticipated.

“Right, of course…if you’ll excuse me.” They all held their breaths as she started towards the Temple exit before she froze and turned back towards her office. A huge collective sigh filled the room once her door was shut and they all relaxed.

If she had left the Temple, she would have quickly discovered they were lying to her. But inside the only things that would tell her the date would be her phone and them all wearing the same clothes, and they had already taken care of both of those things.

They waited hours for her to reappear, but her door stayed shut and she wouldn’t answer when any of them had knocked.

* * *

Vera started pacing the second she closed her office door. _‘A week?! I lost a week?!’_ Panic was the only thing rushing through her right now. There was nothing between Ms. Drake asking her for help and waking up covered in powder. it was a complete blank.

Whoever had the guts and ability to get to her and successfully powder her inside the Temple had to be a threat. When she realized she was biting her thumbnail, a nervous habit she had kicked years ago, she let out a small growl and dropped her hand as it clenched into a ball.

 _'Did they take anything?_ ' Vera froze at the thought and quickly moved towards the desk to pull out her knife before slicing her palm and muttering a few words. The only thing missing was the book she had apparently given Ms. Drake and her phone.

 _“No!”_ She caught herself on her desk at the implication of them taking her phone. _All_ of her disciples contact information was programmed within it. Whoever this was could _easily_ summon them to a slaughter.

“No, no, no, _no!”_ This can’t be happening again! She can’t lose anymore students, not because of her incompetency. She had to find out who it was, why they had taken her phone and why they had chosen to erase the past week. What had happened that she couldn't be allowed to remember?

Her eyes landed on the ingredients she’d need as her hand shook slightly and swallowed heavily. There were so many things from her past that she didn’t want to remember. The days after Ally died were rough and in her grief stricken haze, most of those days had been blurred for the last twenty one years.

Taking that potion would bring them all back into clarity. She would have to relive them, relive _everything._ Including Alexandra’s death. She had taken a step away from the ingredients before she even realized it and almost tripped over the leg of her desk.

 _“No!”_ Her growl was quiet but determined and her hands clenched tightly thinking about all the students she’d lost her first year and last year to Margaret Crain. With the determination to not lose anymore, she quickly stalked towards the items to collect them.

She couldn’t do it here though, too many people could overhear her. She could hide in the vault which would give her time to collect herself if anyone came in. If her hands shook slightly as she brewed the potion, no one could blame her. Not if they knew what she was about to go through.

In an attempt to quell the nausea or her nerves or some other subconscious desire to be close to her child, her hand came to rest over her abdomen as she took a deep breath. The small glass touched her lips and with one last deep breath she threw the potion back and swallowed it in one gulp.

The pain from her knees connecting hard against the unforgiving stone floor of the vault went unregistered as she was sucked into a pain far more agonizing than any physical blow could cause her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I told several of you last chapter that this one would have Vera's POV, but I really wanted to center myself for that one and give her her own chapter like Hamish got his...and I see it being long.
> 
> 👋👋READER PROMPT ASK!👋👋 If anyone has anything they would like to see from Vera's past before Hamish (ex. I have none at the moment🤷♀️), or any little scenes from Vermish past (ex. their first meeting - this is already planned and being included🥳), let me know and I'll see if I can work them in 🙂


	4. First Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...in my Muse's typical fashion, she has completely derailed my expectations of Vera's memories being 1-2 chapters max...hope you are all in for at least a few chapters of Vera's memories because my Muse is literally refusing to shorten them...

CHAPTER FOUR

Ten Years and Nine Months Ago – December – Vera age 26, Hamish age 21

“ _No_ Bitsy. I have to finish this book and write a paper on it before Monday, have another paper due a few days after _and_ an exam on Tuesday. I don’t have _time_. Besides you know how much I hate clubs…”

“Oh my _god_ Vera, have fun for once in your life!”

“I have fun.” Vera’s voice was filled with boredom as she flipped the page of her book, not even bothering to look up.

“You’re weird Improv Troupe thing is _not_ fun Vera. It’s a bunch of nerds that make lame jokes in front of people. It’s weird.”

“You’re entitled to your opinion.” Vera’s lips twitched slightly when Bitsy actually stomped her foot in frustration but masked it by jotting a line down in her notebook.

“Come _on_ Vera! Everyone from the Temple is supposed to be going…”

“If the Magus requires my attendance for a Holiday _party_ the week before finals, he can order me to attend himself. Otherwise, the answer’s still no.”

“I’ll be sure to tell him to do so when I see him after this…” Her eyes rolled with a slight shake of her head.

“You really should stop sleeping with him Bitsy, you know how he is…”

“Can we not do this again. We’re just having fun, no strings attached.” Vera nodded absently with her brow raised and Kepler smirked.

“Your just jealous that you’re the only one from our group he hasn’t tried to sleep with, aren’t you?”

“Oh, he tried…”

“Wait, what?! When? And you said _no_ to him? Vera, what were you thinking?! He’s the Temple Magus, you _can’t_ say no to him!” Vera gave a small scoff before she jotted down another note.

“Sure, I can. The Order doesn’t allow forced sex magic any longer despite Edward trying to act like they do. I’m not required to spread my legs for _anyone_ in The Order, no matter what their rank is. And when he tried to force me into _‘subservience’_ by quoting our motto back at me, I made it clear it wouldn’t turn out well for him.”

“Oh god, tell me you didn’t threaten the Temple Magus…” Kepler’s voice was filled with horror as Vera flipped her pencil and quickly erased the word she’d just written before brushing off her paper and continuing the sentence.

“I simply explained that while I’ve kept my silence about everything I’ve observed like a good little disciple, I have no issues informing the Grand Magus and Council of his _‘special assignments’_ for his female disciples.

“I also let him know that powdering me wouldn’t stop them from being informed as I already took precautions before showing up for my _‘special assignment’_. In the end he decided it would be in his best interest to let me leave the vault without making me show him how subservient I was and continued his prowling elsewhere. Though, I have noticed he seemed to have cooled his heels since then, so maybe he’s worried others will follow my lead. Hmm, wouldn’t that be nice?”

She was able to read an entire page before Bitsy finally found her voice again. “We _seriously_ need to get you laid Vera. You’re way too uptight. Tonight, we’ll find you a guy to go home with. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

“Ohh, you mean meaningless sex with some drunk guy that gets two sloppy grunts in before he passes out on top of me? Oh yeah, sounds like _so_ much fun. No thanks.” The humorless laugh couldn’t be stopped as she shifted on her bed until she was sitting up straighter against the wall.

“Most people actually _enjoy_ sex, you know. If you’re not enjoying it, then you need to relax even more than I thought.”

“I enjoy it, I just have standards and most of the guys our age fall _well_ below them.”

“Edward is older and well, he’s _very_ experienced. He could help you relax, and I know he would make sure you enjoyed yourself. You can trust me on that one.” Vera growled in exasperation.

“The answer is _no_. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m a little busy here. Go have fun with your womanizer and leave me alone.” She waved her hand without looking up from her book and shoed her friend out of the room, thankful for the peace and quiet. Not thirty minutes later her phone buzzed.

_‘Attendance is mandatory Magistratus.’ – Edward_

“Fuck you, Bitsy!” Vera growled to herself slamming her book shut and heading for the shower to start getting ready.

* * *

Her headphones did little to drown out the music blasting through the speakers of the club. She closed her eyes and stretched her stiff neck before turning back towards her book to highlight a section of it. After the first hour Bitsy and Edward had thankfully given up on trying to force her to partake in the celebration.

She had tried to leave after that, but the text she’d received as soon as she existed the club had her grumpily returning. Why did Kepler care so much if she had a ‘ _life’_? And why was Edward bothering to placate her, it’s not as if he was looking for anything more from her than sex and she _certainly_ wasn’t holding it back. Maybe it was payback for not sleeping with him since he knew how much she hated these things?

She checked her watch and scowled, three more hours before she could leave. Looking up quickly to scan the crowd she could see Edward currently had Bitsy pinned to the far wall and was kissing her neck. When her eyes opened and met Vera’s dark glare she smirked and swept her eyes over the club before meeting her gaze again with a raised brow.

The ultimatum was clear. Either stay here for another three hours _or_ find a guy to go home with. And she meant go home with them. Not pretend to leave with someone and immediately return to her apartment alone. They had actually placed an Acolyte outside her apartment this time. Bitsy had caught her last time and apparently wasn’t taking any chances.

Vera scowled further and raised her right hand with her middle finger raised before turning back to her book. A drink being set down in front of her twenty minutes later surprised her. After the first hour the men had given up on trying to get her attention.

Looking up through her lashes with a frown, she found a slightly rosy faced guy with thoroughly mused hair sitting across from her. He mimed taking out her headphones before pushing the drink closer to her. With a roll of her eyes, she pushed the drink back towards him and bent further over her book.

She could tell her was still in front of her and after fifteen minutes of gradually getting closer and closer to her book she gave a huff of annoyance and looked up. Her eyes immediately went wide with shock at what she found. He was leaning casually against the back of the booth but had her notebook in his hands and was reading her essay.

“What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?!” She growled, snatching her notebook out of his hand and shutting it. He brought a hand up and pointed at his ear with a shrug of his shoulders and grinned. Her finger hooked around the cord and yanked the buds from her ear.

“It’s good, not _great_ , but good.” He said while pointing to her notebook. Her jaw dropped as her eyes grew dark.

“Ex _cuse_ me?! Are you honestly insulting my paper right now? A paper you read _without_ my permission mind you.” Who the hell does this guy think he is?!

“Of course not. Like I said, it’s good…”

“But not great.” She saw a sparkle of arousal flash in his eyes as he leaned forward and placed his elbows against the table, chin coming to rest in one hand.

“You’re out in a crowded club on a Friday night reading _Moby Dick_ and stringing together a pretty good essay which tells me one thing.” Vera tried to stop the question from coming out of her mouth, to put an end to this ridiculous conversation but the words tumbled out of their own accord.

“And that would be?” He smirked and leaned further over the table.

“You can do better than that common everyday drivel that students come up with to analyze the book. Sure, it’s written well, and you’ll likely get an A, but it’s dry and frankly, it’s a bit boring…”

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” He just continued as if he didn’t hear her.

“I mean really, just a simple google search can provide this information. God, nature, fate, evil, the ocean...Oh, is that what you did? You just googled symbolism in Moby Dick and wrote an essay on what you found. Sad, not bothering to form your own opinion…”

“You know what, I don’t need this, fuck off!” She growled shoving the drink he’d offered her completely off the table, so it would _hopefully_ spill across his lap. He didn’t even flinch as his smirk grew wider and he rubbed his chin quickly before pointing at her.

“Because what I witnessed in the last forty-five minutes of watching you, tells me that you’re someone that doesn’t bend to social pressure or norms and can captivate an audience without even trying. So, answer me this, why is your analysis lacking that same fascination?” She scowled at him, crossing her arms in irritation.

“If you’re so clever, what would _you_ suggest I should do to ‘captivate’ my audience?” His eyes slowly traveled up and down what was visible of her body, letting his gaze linger on the ample cleavage that was currently being more accentuated from her crossed arms and smiled seductively.

“Like I said, you’re already doing it. Flawlessly, might I add.” She felt the blush spread across her face before she cleared her throat and pointed to her essay.

“Smooth. Not going to work. What would you recommend for my paper so it’s not ‘common everyday drivel’?”

“Think outside the box. Write your paper as if it were a refined and _gorgeous_ sober woman in a club _full_ of messy drunks on a Friday night. Turning down men and drinks left and right while still holding the attention of others, all without looking up from her book. Make it _different_ and unique and enthrall your audience. Let _your_ voice be heard in your writing, not everyone else’s. I’m _positive_ you’re capable of it.”

She kept her arms crossed as she studied him. She _was_ bored writing this paper, the subject matter was so overanalyzed with the same expected conclusion every time. Had it really shown through so much in _her_ writing?

His stare was intense and unwavering until her arms tightened further around herself subconsciously and his gaze dropped back to her cleavage. She could feel the blush returning and starting to spread across her chest when his tongue came out quickly to wet his lips causing her to shift slightly in the booth.

Her phone lighting up quickly snapped her back to focus and her hand reached out to lift the pesky device. The familiar, but normally absent, fluttering in her stomach made itself known as his gaze slowly trailed along her outstretched arm back towards her face. His arousal was obvious, and she could feel her own building.

_‘Your blush is visible from here. Talk standards all you want; but you’re interested in Mr. Hair sitting across from you. Just let loose and have the guy fuck you senseless for one night. No strings attached.’ – Kepler._

Her face went scarlet and her gaze snapped up to meet Kepler’s amused eyes from where she was standing against the wall with a drink in her hand. Movement in the corner of her eye pulled her attention back to the man sitting across from her and she just managed to grab his hand before he could finish moving.

“Don’t turn around.” Her eyes shifted to see both Bitsy and Edward were watching her now, although the look on her Magus’ face was closer to an irritated scowl rather than a smile. Bitsy grinned wickedly and pushed off the wall and started walking towards them with Edward causing Vera’s eyes to widen.

“Come with me, _don’t_ turn around.” She quickly started throwing her supplies together and scooted towards the end of the booth so she could stand and hastily throw her coat on. A quiet _‘shit’_ left her mouth as she was leaning back in to grab her purse, they were _way_ too close.

When she opened her wallet to pull out money for her tab, the man’s hand landed on hers and she watched him throw a fifty on the table. She looked up towards his eyes to thank him, but Bitsy’s voice had her grabbing the man’s hand and quickly pulling him towards the exit.

“Bye Bitsy, see you tomorrow!” She hollered over her shoulder with a wave. “Whatever you do, please don’t turn around.” What the hell was she doing? She was pulling a random guy out of a club after he insulted her writing. She didn’t even know the guy’s name for god’s sake.

All she knew is Bitsy and Edward had _both_ picked up on her interest in the guy and she didn’t want them to know who he was. Even if nothing came from whatever weird encounter they were having, it would be dangerous for him in her world. It’s why she never let Order members know who she was seeing.

Especially if the look on her Magus’ face was anything to go by. It was clear he was still upset with her refusal to let him fuck her and her threat to expose him. No, she could never let him meet _anyone_ she was even mildly interested in.

“Not that I’m not thrilled with what’s going on right now, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t happening because of the moment we were just having…”

“We _weren’t_ having a moment.” Vera stubbornly argued as they walked further down the street and around the corner. His hand tightened on hers and pulled her slightly closer to him.

“Oh, you can try to deny it, but we were _definitely_ having a moment just then. And can I just say how stunning you are when you’re flushed, a whole new level of captivating…” At his last word, his insult towards her paper came back and she dropped his hand to turn towards him and scowl. She was _slightly_ happy to note that the drink seemed to have mostly missed his pants.

“Okay, I can see that you’re mad…”

“I’m not _mad,_ I’m…”

“Angry? Irritated? Annoyed? Vexed? Frustrated? Excited? Beautiful? _Aroused_?” Each word dropped further into a sultry purr and brought her a step closer to the side of the building until her back connected. Her heart was racing as he started slowly leaning closer.

“Wait.” Her head turned just before his lips connected with hers and he immediately stepped back and apologized. An unwilling laugh escaped as he went from suave and sexy to flustered and nervous in no time at all.

“You’re fine. I just prefer to at least know a guy’s name before I kiss him.” She stayed leaning against the wall and tugged him closer to her again as she looked up through her lashes. An amused chuckle filled the space between them as he slipped back into that confident, sexy persona and stepped up until he was flush against her.

“Hamish Duke.” Her eyes had already closed in anticipation by the time the words were whispered against her lips. She clutched her school supplies closer to her chest and brought her free hand up to thread her fingers through his hair as she deepened the kiss with a quiet hum.

“HAMISH! There you are! Stop sucking her face and get over here already, we want to get a move on!” They both jerked away from each other breathing heavily and looked towards the _clearly_ drunk group. There were three guys and four girls, one of which was sending a dark look towards her. She looked back up towards Hamish to see irritation on his face.

“Friends of yours?” At her quiet question his irritation faded, and he stepped closer to her again.

“More of what you would call acquaintances than friends. And that applies to _all_ of them, especially the girl I know is glaring at you right now.” She looked over and sure enough the girl was still glaring at her.

“We have one more club to hit…come with me?” She frowned and bit her lip.

“I’m really not a club person Hamish; I was forcibly dragged here tonight. I also have to rewrite this paper since apparently it’s ‘boring’…”

“I lied, it’s fascinating. Absolute perfection. Nothing needs to be changed.” She grinned up at him in amusement before standing on her tippy toes and kissing him again.

“You’re welcome to come back with me, but I really _will_ be spending the evening working so you’d have to entertain yourself…what?” She frowned as his excited face dropped. 

“Can I stop over after? I really just have to make an appearance there but if I try to leave with you now, they’ll basically abduct me. It’s why I’m out in the first place. Apparently, a club crawl is something all law students _have_ to do on their twenty-first birthday.” Vera’s amused smile that had been growing with his explanation immediately vanished and her hand shoved him away from her.

“What? What’d I do?” She smiled unwillingly at his flustered confusion before stepping away from the wall and buttoning her jacket.

“Nothing. You didn’t _do_ anything, Hamish. You’re just a little younger than I’m comfortable doing this with.” She watched his face crumble before he reached out for her free hand.

“Don’t do this, please. There’s _something_ here. I may be younger than you, but I’m not a child and you can’t be much older than I am…”

“It’s a big enough age gap that I’m not comfortable continuing this, sorry. Enjoy your night Hamish.” She tugged her hand out of his grasp, trying desperately to not look at his devastated face as she walked away from him without looking back.

“Can I at least get your name?” Her hands clenched as she pretended she hadn’t heard him over the wind. She broke into the library to quietly rewrite her essay, refusing to think about him until she finished the paper and read through it.

He was right. When she stopped trying to conform to the expected interpretation of the book her analysis even drew her attention. This may be one of her best papers yet and it was because a random guy almost six years her junior gave her the confidence to try something different by calling her out on her lazy writing.

He had given her this and she turned around and ruined his birthday, and for a stupid reason. Of course the age gap weirded her out a bit, she’d never been with someone younger than her before but it wasn’t really because of their _age._

It was the way they acted. Even men her own age acted like immature children most of the time. Yet here he was, apparently out on his twenty-first birthday doing the famous club crawl that usually wound up with at least one person at risk of needing their stomach pumped and he was fine.

He only had one club left and was only _slightly_ buzzed. And instead of acting like all the other drunks in the crowded room, he had come over and started discussing _Moby Dick_ with her. He was extremely attractive, clearly intelligent, respectful, engaging _and_ funny.

Why the fuck did she let him go?! What the hell was wrong with her?! She quickly printed off a second copy of her paper before finding him on the school server and started making her way towards his year’s dorms.

As she walked down the hallway checking the names on the doors, she felt a little ridiculous but just kept reiterating to herself that there could actually be something between them if she gave them a shot. Her eyes landed on the small printed _‘Duke, Hamish’_ and smiled as she nervously fussed with her hair.

“God _yes_!” Her knuckles just barely stopped before connecting with the door at the loud female moan. Taking in the name above Hamish’s she bit her lip again. His roommate clearly had company over at the moment.

Sidestepping towards their whiteboard she swiped the marker and started jotting down a quick note. It was just as she was writing out her first name that another moan echoed from the room causing her to shift uncomfortably.

“Fuck, Hamish, right there! _Yesss_!” Vera’s hand froze and the marker left a large splotch of red throughout the paper as the woman inside the room reached her climax. Swallowing heavily, Vera hastily crossed out a couple words and replaced them before she bent down to push the paper under the door.

_-Hamish_

_I wanted to stop by and give this to you_

_in person but ~~your roommate was in the middle of~~_

_~~entertaining a guest and~~ I didn’t want to interrupt. ~~~~_

_You were a little busy._

_-Vera_

She was almost out of the building by the time he caught up with her, completely out of breath and wearing a robe. She felt her stomach clench at the thought of _why_. She had no right to be upset with him, she knew that. It still didn’t stop the flash of irritation as he went to grab her hand.

“Don’t…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d see you again, but it was _just_ sex with her, I swear. There’s nothing…” She knew her smile was closer to a grimace and turned to walk away from him.

“You don’t need to explain or justify anything to me, Hamish. I just wanted to drop that off for you to read since you’re the reason I rewrote it. Happy birthday, enjoy the rest of your night.” Hamish allowed her to get maybe ten feet from her before speaking again.

“I _am_ sorry Vera. If I had known, it never would have happened.” She didn’t respond, too busy trying to squash the uncomfortable feeling flooding through her. Just another thing she’d screwed up in her life by overthinking.

Well, at least he had been able to enjoy his birthday still. And it was probably more enjoyable than him watching her study. Maybe she did need to _try_ to relax a bit more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First meeting memory down.
> 
> I don't know if it's just me, but I totally see Vera and Kepler being 'friends' back in the day so she'll be making several appearances. I also thought Kepler definitely seemed rather thirsty for Edward, so that's being thrown int. And the way Vera reacted over Edward saying he had a 'special assignment' for Alyssa, and pointing out that she was only a Sophmore...my Muse apparently took me there...
> 
> Anyone NOT interested in detailed memories spanning several chapters? If so, I will TRY to reign in my Muse


	5. I Want To Date You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one had a little weird detour in the beginning but well...it happened.

CHAPTER FIVE

Ten years and Eight Months Ago – January – Vera 27, Hamish 21

It had been almost a month since she’d realized she’d made a mistake with Hamish and went to fix things only to find him fucking another woman. She had seen him three times since then, twice since the spring semester started two weeks ago.

She didn’t think he had seen her any of the times, but she knew for a fact he hadn’t seen her just now. It really shouldn’t have bothered her so much to see his arm slung around the back of the girl’s chair as he laughed with the others at the table, but it did.

It was the same girl that had been glaring at her when they were kissing. Was it the same girl he was fucking that night? Fingers clenched around her tray in frustration over her own ridiculous emotions before she dumped the uneaten lunch in the trash and made her way out of the cafeteria.

Before she’d even sat down on her couch, she’d sent the message to Bitsy agreeing to let her take her out for her birthday that night. She clearly hadn’t been in her right mind at the time, but she needed to get out.

* * *

Another loud ping had Vera slamming her hand over her phone to silence it before clutching her head from her curled-up position on the couch. She felt absolutely wretched right now and had clearly had a few too many drinks last night.

That had been made vividly clear to her when she had woken up naked in a strange room beside a man she knew was one of Belgrave’s professors but had no idea _what_ his name was or even what he taught. He didn’t even stir as she quietly dressed and left his apartment.

The cashier gave her a judgmental look as she rang up the morning after pill, but in her hungover state Vera didn’t even have the energy to glare back at her. She couldn’t remember if they had used protection last night and wasn’t taking any risks.

The second she got home she popped the first pill and called her doctor to set up a time to come in for STD testing. This was why she hated losing control and getting drunk when she wasn’t in the safety of her own home. She made stupid choices and found herself more often than not on those rare occasions just like she had this morning.

Though, she also knew she probably wouldn’t have drunk so much if Bitsy hadn’t taken her to _that_ club again. She honestly should have expected it, Bitsy hadn’t shut up about _‘Mr. Hair’_ and how she was out with him for hours so it must have been good.

So good in fact that Bitsy believed she should be seeing him again even. There was no way Vera was going to tell her that she had spent those hours in a deserted library rewriting and typing up her essay.

The comments only got worse once they got there. Every time Bitsy would bring him up, Vera’s mind would put the picture of him fucking that woman from earlier in her mind. Which is why she had eagerly ordered several drinks for herself until she was past tipsy and into the outgoing drunk stage.

Vera’s _pretty_ sure it was Bitsy who had guided the professor across from her but she’s not positive. All she knew is one second, she was talking to the woman and the next a guy in his late thirties was sitting across from her holding her hand as Bitsy held up three thumbs up behind him for her to see.

That should have been her fist sign to hail a cab, but instead she leaned forward at the table and started talking with the man. She remembered bringing up the subject of _Moby Dick_ and trying to drunkenly engage him in a conversation about the symbolism in it.

When asked for his opinion, he just chuckled and told her he hadn’t read it but would love to hear her explain it to him back at his place. She knew she agreed, but there wasn’t much after that besides little snippets that she remembered.

She rolled until her head was hanging off the couch and over the bowl as the nausea grew worse. She _hated_ taking the morning after pill. The progesterone in regular contraceptives made her sick, but the higher dose in this was just so much worse.

Both times she’d had to use it in the past came with the same side effects. Horrible abdominal cramps, headache, and severe nausea. It was why she’d emailed her professors already to let them know she had a stomach bug and wouldn’t be in.

That apparently didn’t seem to matter when it came to The Order however as her phone went off _again_. Her arm came out from under the blanket and pulled the phone up to eyelevel to read through all the messages.

_‘Temple, now’ – Edward_

_‘Where are you? The Magus order everyone to the Temple, get over here!’ – Bitsy_

_‘Seriously Vera, he’s getting upset.’ – Bitsy_

_‘Now, Magistratus.’ - Edward_

_‘He’s threatening to demote you if you don’t get over here in the next fifteen minutes.’ – Bitsy_

_‘I overslept, but I’ll be there. Distract him for me?’ – Vera_

_‘Only if you agree to join the other single Magistrates for the Valentine’s Day club crawl and let me pick out what you’re going to wear.’ – Bitsy_

_‘Seriously? The whole thing?’ – Vera_

_‘Unless you find someone to go home with, yes. Those are the rules of the Valentine’s Day crawl.’ – Bitsy_

_‘Fine, but the outfit is being picked from_ my _wardrobe, not yours.’ – Vera_

_‘And if this is the deal, I’m also taking a shower. I’ll be there in thirty.’ – Vera_

_‘Perfect, I’ll take care of it.’ – Bitsy_

* * *

10 Years and Six Months ago, February 14th

“No, not slutty enough…”

“I’m not _trying_ to be slutty. I’m trying to look ‘appropriate’ while still being comfortable. I hate these things. Can’t I just stay home while you all go out?” Vera would _never_ admit to pouting as she put the long sleeve, low hemline, high collared dress back in her closet.

“Nope, you agreed already. Ohh, here we go. You’re wearing this.”

“Are you crazy?! It’s freezing outside and that thing barely covers my ass.” She had completely forgotten the burgundy dress was in her closet. It was a complete impulse buy on her birthday last year and beyond trying it on in the store, she’d never had the guts to actually wear it.

“It’s _perfect_! Put it on. And stop arguing, you already agreed to this already and you’re making us late.” Vera growled and snatched the dress from Bitsy before reaching in and grabbing her only pair of dress boots.

“ _Damn_. I guarantee you’ll have the option of leaving after the first club. Well, if you can relax that is.” She fought the blush as she looked at herself in the mirror. She would need to be careful to not raise her arms to high or bend over at all, but she had to admit she did look good.

A lot more leg was showing than she would’ve liked, and her back being completely exposed had her trying to position her hair to cover as much of it as she could. Still, the long lace sleeves and collar gave the dress a refined look to it where the hemline alone would have screamed ‘slutty’.

“I’m not planning on leaving with anyone but thank you.”

“Unless we see Mr. Hair or Professor Clarke again, right?” Her face matched the shade of her dress as they made their way out of her apartment and towards the club down the street, first on their list.

“I have no intention of seeing Eric again. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun the first few times, but…well, the last time he asked me to call him professor. Right in the middle of it and that’s just too weird…” Bitsy had ‘accidentally’ bumped into the professor with her in tow a few days after Vera had slept with him and in an effort to shut her up, the two had awkwardly exchanged numbers.

“What is it with men and titles in bed? Still, don’t knock it till you try it, maybe you’ll like it?”

“Not interested.”

“I noticed how you specified Professor Clarke but moved right over the other option. What happens if we see _him_ tonight?” Vera felt the annoying stab of discomfort that always came when she saw Hamish and that girl together.

“I doubt we will. I’m pretty sure he’ll be out with his girlfriend, it being Valentine’s Day and all.”

“Are you ever going to tell me his name?”

“You know I don’t like The Order knowing about my personal life Bitsy. It puts the person I’m seeing in danger…”

“You didn’t care about me knowing about Eric, what’s so different about…woah, wait a minute.” Vera felt Bitsy’s hand grab her arm and pull her to face her. She looked towards the left to avoid her look of shock and cringed slightly.

“You actually liked this guy, didn’t you? Was he in a relationship when you slept together?” It was Vera’s turn to looked shocked at Bitsy’s surprise.

“That’s never been something that’s stopped you from sleeping with someone…”

“Yeah, but you would never sleep with someone you knew was in a relationship. You’ve made that clear multiple times. What changed?” She yanked her arm out of Bitsy grip while glaring at her.

“Nothing’s _changed_. I don’t think he was seeing her then, it happened after we met. I think. I don’t really want to talk about this.”

“Yeah, but Vera…”

“I swear to god Elizabeth, I will turn around right now and go back home if you don’t drop it.” Bitsy mimed locking her lips but Vera’s arms stayed crossed the rest of the way to the club.

* * *

“No, you’re the brilliant one that wanted to come out tonight knowing it was going to be crowded, _you_ go up to the bar and get the drinks. I’m not standing there for another fifteen minutes trying to get her attention for a shot I don’t even want to take.”

“Vera, please! The rest of us are all hitting it off.” Vera’s brow raised and looked towards the group of drunk frat boys feeling up four of her fellow Magistrates.

“I don’t really care.” Bitsy looked back towards the guy that she had been flirting with to see his attention starting to wander with her absence and looked back towards Vera with a desperate look.

“Get us this round of shots and we’re even.”

“I can leave, and you won’t find some way to make things difficult at The Temple?”

“Yes, get this round and you can go home _alone_ and be your boring self as usual.” Immediately Vera was on her feet heading towards the bar. She knew she’d be able to get her to cave. Her frustration grew rapidly as she stood at the bar for fifteen minutes with her hand out trying to get the bartenders attention.

When she finally started coming towards her, she let out a sigh and gave a small smile. A smile that quickly wiped from her face as the girl walked right by her to help the person standing beside her. Growling lowly, she turned while voicing the question.

“Can you please order five extra tequila shots for…” Her throat went dry when her eyes connected with the man’s lust filled gaze.

“Vera?” He clearly hadn’t realized it was her, and him being here surprised her just as much. “Wow. You look incredible.”

“What are you doing here?” He quickly recovered and ordered the five extra shots before angling his body towards her.

“I’m guessing based on your order just now, same thing as you…”

“No, because I was dragged here for the ridiculous Valentine’s day singles crawl…” She didn’t miss his look of confusion as he nodded.

“Yeah, like I said. Same thing as you…”

“But you’re not single, you have a girlfriend…” Wide confused eyes met hers as his head tilted.

“I’m not? That’s news to me. No, you know what, I’m pretty sure I don’t have a girlfriend.” He shifted closer and his hand came to rest gently against her hip. “Unless you’re asking, in which case I would definitely say yes, though I would need a last name and I would like to take you on a date _first_ , but I’m not picky.”

“You’d like to…wait… _what_? What’s happening right now?” She felt his hand slide further around her waist until it was splayed against the bare skin of her back as he leaned closer.

“Well, I _think_ you just asked to be my girlfriend and I responded by saying I’d like to take you on a date.” Her eyes that she didn’t realize had shut, snapped open and she glared up at him.

“I did nothing of the sort…”

“Okay fine, wishful thinking on my part. Either way, I’m still asking. Would you like to go out with me?” He gently pulled her closer and stroked his thumb along her bare skin causing a shiver to run up her spine.

“And you’re not seeing anyone? I don’t fool around with people in relationships Hamish.” His seductive smile dropped to a frown, and his hand shifted back towards her hip.

“First of all, I don’t want to ‘fool around’ with you, I want to _date_ you. Secondly, why are you so convinced I’m seeing someone? Is it because of what happened that night you came to see me? I told you it meant nothing and had I known you were interested; it never would have happened in the first place.”

“Was it the girl that was glaring at me that night?” Her eyes widened as the words left her mouth without her will and quickly bit her lip and looked off to the side as a blush started to work its way across her cheeks.

“Rachel? Absolutely not. I’m not the sort of guy who sleeps with someone I know wants a relationship but all I’m looking for is sex. It’s not right to me or the other person that’s involved. That being said, I have this feeling that you’ve formed this idea in your head that I’m in a relationship with her based off of something you’ve seen and misinterpreted, so I’d like for you to listen to me right now.” 

His hand came up below her chin to guide her back to looking at him and found him smiling confidently as he brushed her hair behind her ear. She felt his other hand winding along her waist to start tracing his fingers along her spine again.

“Rachel is someone that’s a little more than an acquaintance, but less than what I would consider a friend. Lunches are fine, but that’s where I draw the line. I have _no_ desire to sleep with her. _You_ on the other hand…” He pulled her closer until she was flush against him so she could feel the effect she was having on him.

 _“_ I haven’t been able to stop thinking about, and not just because you’re gorgeous. Your mind is incredible and the way you carry yourself, both physically and verbally, is intoxicating. I can’t decide what I want to do more, sleep with you or discuss…well _anything_ you’re passionate about. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t want _just_ sex with you, so I’ll ask again. Will you let me take you out on a date?”

She knew her eyes were dark with arousal as she stared up at him. His smirk was back as he watched the effect he was having on her while he waited for her response. Her hand came up and she brought her fingers to gently trace over his confident smile before threading into his hair and pulling him down to kiss her.

“I haven’t eaten dinner yet. I know this great little place down the road, no reservation needed.” Vera couldn’t wipe the smile from her face as he pulled her in closer and kissed her again. She started pulling him away from the bar as he tapped the shoulder of the man beside him.

“Help yourself to these.” He said indicating the tray holding ten shots before letting her pull him toward the booth she’d been sitting at. She quickly threw on her coat and scanned the crowd to see Kepler giving her a thumbs up while hovering her hand over her hair before she turned back to kiss the drunk guy in front of her.

The second they were outside, Hamish pulled her into him and claimed her lips in an intense kiss that left them both breathless. She loved the feel of running her fingers through his hair, but it did little to warm them or her bare legs, so she pulled back and slipped her hand in his as they started down the road.

“It’s Stone by the way, Vera Stone.” She said unlocking her door and letting him in behind her. A small chuckle escaped when she turned around from hanging up her jacket to see him still wearing his and staring at her with hungry eyes.

“Are you planning to stay or…?” It seemed to snap him out of his trance and he quickly shrugged off his jacket and placed it in her outstretched hand. With one hand bracing herself against the wall she leaned forward slightly and lifted her foot to remove the high heeled boots, noting how his eyes immediately shifted towards her ass as the hemline rose slightly.

“You’re so short.” Her gaze snapped towards his face to see him blushing heavily. “That’s not a bad thing, I just never realized how tall your heels actually were. How do you walk in those things all day and not break an ankle?”

“You get used to them, but no matter what anyone tells you, they aren’t comfortable…”

“Then why do you wear them?” She just looked at him like he was crazy as she stalked towards him.

“Because they’re cute and make my ass look great.” Her arms wound around his neck and pulled him closer to her so she could kiss him.

“Trust me, you _don’t_ need any help with that.” Vera hummed in amused arousal as his hands drifted lower to cover her backside before bringing her flush against him.

“Your ass is perfect, especially in this dress. I actually volunteered to wait at the bar specifically because I wanted a reason to try to talk to you. I had no idea it was you though.” He said as he started kissing his way down her neck.

“Hmm, I could tell. How long had you been standing there before I turned around?” She felt his fingers lightly trail up along her spine until they reached the fastening at the back of her neck and slipped the button free.

“Longer than I care to admit to.” He carefully pulled the fabric of her dress off one of her shoulders, replacing it with his lips and pulling a breathy gasp from her as her fingers tightened in his hair.

“To be completely honest, had you not turned around I probably would have returned to my table to watch you from a distance.” When he hit a particularly sensitive spot along her neck, dragging out a low throaty moan from her, his fingers trailed back down her spine. He slowly pulled the zipper down, revealing more of her back and upper ass to his wandering hands.

“I guess we have a reason to thank the poor service then. Enough teasing, come with me.” She stepped back with heavy breaths and dark eyes as she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her bedroom.

* * *

Vera's dress...I love it and I want it even though it would likely just hang in my closet and never get worn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no explanation as to why my Muse decided to write in Vera and Professor Clark having a past, literally never thought it until I was reading what I wrote. Like I said, weird little detour.
> 
> I'm kind of excited for the moment Kepler realizes it's kind of all her fault they ever got together in the first place...hopefully my Muse grants that memory in present day.


	6. Vera's Insecurities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I plan to write out this scene below? Nope, not at all.

CHAPTER SIX

10 Years and Six Months ago, March

Vera woke up to pain lancing through her midsection and tiredly brought her hand down to press against her abdomen in an effort to staunch the pain. As the cramps worsened, she curled up slightly, still half asleep.

It was just as she was about to succumb to unconsciousness that she realized what was happening and carefully extracted herself from Hamish’s arms to push herself out of bed and lifted the blanket. _Great_ , she was early. Just another reason she hated taking the morning after pill, it took months to get back on a regular schedule.

Making sure Hamish was still asleep, she quietly muttered a cleansing incantation on her sheets before grabbing her robe and making her way towards the shower. There was definitely one of the times she was grateful she could do magic for convenience.

She stepped under the hot water with her face flushing as she thought about how uncomfortable it would have been if he’d woken up first. Sure, things were going great between them, but it’d still only been five weeks since they’d slept together for the first time.

Her cramps grew in strength and she found herself slipping down against the wall as she waited for the pain medicine to take effect. With eyes closed she tried to think of a way to cancel their plans today without ruining anything between them. Last time had conveniently worked out to be too busy for either of them to see each other.

All she wanted to do right now was wear baggy sweatpants, curl up on the couch or in bed with a heating pad and try to sleep through the pain. God, it was way too early for this in their…relationship? Is that what this was?

He certainly had made his intentions for what he wanted them to be clear, but was she there yet? Was _he_ actually there yet? Wasn’t it a little soon to start adding labels? She didn’t have much longer to try to figure it out as a gentle knock came from the bathroom door. 

“Vera? Are you okay?” Her eyes closed as her head dropped to her drawn up knees at the worry in his voice.

“Fine. I just wanted to get an early start to the day.” She would force herself to make it through today, just like she did for The Order. He had been so excited when he was telling her about where he was planning to take her, she couldn’t spoil that.

“It’s the middle of the night Vera. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, really Hamish. I’m fi _ne_.” She cringed as a particularly rough cramp caused her to stumble over the last word. He had to have heard it to. Sure enough, the bathroom door opened to reveal his concerned face.

“It’s just cramps. Please go back to bed.” She mumbled tucking her face back against her knees to hide the embarrassed flush. To her complete surprise, instead of hearing him leave the bathroom in discomfort at knowing she was on her period, she heard the faucet turn on for the bath.

“What are you doing?” His gaze flicked to her briefly before he started going through her closet filled with bath supplies. A little _‘aha’_ left him as he bent down to grab the bag of Epsom salt and started dumping it into the filling tub.

“I already tried that before. It doesn’t help.” She kept her arms wrapped around her legs and her head resting on her knees as she watched him draw her a bath. He hesitated slightly but leaned forward and started swirling the water around with his hand to dissolve the salt.

“Did you just sit in it or did you massage the section that was sore? It won’t do anything if you don’t work it into the muscles.”

“Oh.” Well, why didn’t it say that on the package then?! “I’ll give it a try. You can go back to bed or head home if you want.” There was no way she was standing and walking toward the tub with him there, not knowing what would happen when she stood up.

“Do you want me to leave? I can stay and sit with you if you want…”

“You really don’t want to take a bath with me right now.” He sat on the side of the tub and watched her as he waited for it to fill.

“Why?” Vera’s eyes widened in disbelief at his confusion. Did he not know what she had meant when she said she had cramps?

“I’m bleeding, Hamish.” Her face grew hot under his unwavering gaze.

“I know.”

“ _Well…”_ She awkwardly trailed off as he continued watching her with confusion.

“I don’t care that you’re on your period, Vera. You’re in pain and I want to help if I can. If _you’re_ not comfortable with me taking a bath with you, that’s fine. I can still sit on the edge and either give you a massage or just talk to you to help take your mind off of it. Unless you want me to leave, I can do that too.”

“You _want_ to stay? Knowing I’m on my period and likely hormonal and short fused, you still want to stay? Why?” His head cocked further to the side as his frown grew.

“Because I care about you and don’t want you to suffer alone.” She was horrified to find herself tearing up slightly at his honest confession and buried her face in her knees. Damn hormones.

“This is new for you, isn’t it?” He asked quietly and she looked up to see pain on his face. She tried to brush it off and cleared her throat.

“Having someone want to stay with me when I’m on my period, knowing sex isn’t going to happen and that I’ll probably just snap at them? Yeah, definitely a first.” She _tried_ to make it into a joke, hoping he wouldn’t dig deeper but when she met his gaze, she knew he hadn’t bought it.

“Having someone actually care about you for more than just your looks.” She swallowed heavily and looked down so he couldn’t read her eyes.

“That’s why we always wind up sleeping together, even if you’re tired and why you always wake up before me when I stay over, isn’t it? You think you have to look perfect and not show when you’re struggling with something or in pain.”

“Oh god. Vera, do you think I’m going to leave you if we _don’t_ have sex at the end of a date or you stop making yourself appear perfect all the time?” His face and voice shifted to deep concern at the realization that he had missed the little signs.

She knew what was going through his mind right now. There were two times she had been visibly exhausted after rituals at The Temple and when she had yawned into the kisses, he pulled back and told her they didn’t have to sleep together and could just go to bed. She had quickly distracted him away from her exhaustion.

“No.” Her response was quiet and lacking confidence, even to her own ears. She heard the faucet shut off before his footsteps came closer and he crouched down. His hand came up to cup under her jaw and carefully guided her head up so he could meet her eyes.

“I don’t know what happened in your past to make you believe that but it’s wrong. This right here right now, is perfect. Like I said on Valentine’s Day, I’m not interested in _just_ sleeping with you. I’d like to have a relationship with you and that includes _everything_ that goes with it. Not this perfect image you present to the rest of the world.

“I’m not going to leave if we don’t sleep together, no matter what the reasoning is. I’m not going to leave if you show what you _think_ is weakness or choose to wear clothes that don’t have you shifting every five minutes while we watch a movie because you’re uncomfortable. And I’m _definitely_ not going to leave you if you’re in pain unless you _want_ me to leave.”

She knew her eyes were full of unshed tears but the way he was looking at her right now made it so she didn’t really care. He had read her like an open book and was still kneeling before her trying to get her to understand that he _actually_ cared about her. She opened her mouth twice before clearing her throat and forcing the words out.

“I…I’d like that too.” His eyes brightened when he realized what she meant, and she couldn’t help smiling happily at him as he leaned in and kissed her.

“And should I stay?” Vera’s fingers tightened around her legs as she looked down.

“I’d like it if you stayed, but I’m probably just going to curl up on the couch so I would understand if…” He leaned forwards and captured her lips in a deep kiss, silencing her from trying to convince him to leave. When he broke the kiss, he stayed close and offered a soft smile.

“That sounds like a perfect day to me. I’d love to spend a lazy Saturday snuggling on the couch with my girlfriend. Do you want help getting up?” She flushed and bit her lip as she looked off to the side.

“No, but can you…just turn around until I say it’s okay? Please?” She believed what he said but there were still limits to what she was comfortable with and this was far above that limit right now. He kissed her forehead with a small chuckle and turned his back to allow her to clean herself up before moving to the bath.

She knew her face had to be scarlet when he turned around to see she had left room behind her for him to sit. She couldn’t bring herself to ask him to join her, but she was hoping he would.

“Lay back and try to rest.” Her eyes had already closed the second he climbed in behind her and guided her back against his chest. A quiet hum slipping from her lips as he started gently massaging her abdomen in an attempt to relieve the cramps.

It was several hours later that Vera found herself in her comfiest sweatpants and tank top, hair messily pulled up in a bun half curled into the fetal position. Hamish was pressed up against her back, knees drawn up behind hers with his hand holding the hot pack to her abdomen and applying just the right amount of pressure to relieve the pain somewhat.

“My ex from my hometown started it.” She started hesitantly as she chewed on her thumbnail. She felt him place a gentle kiss to the back of her neck as he wrapped his arm further around her so he could ghost his fingers along her arm.

“I was a kid at the time and wasn’t ready to sleep with him, but he wanted sex and said if I wasn’t ready, he’d start dating someone that was ready. I uh…I didn’t want to lose him, so I thought, why not? It can’t be that bad, right? And it worked for a while, at least I thought it did.

“I got p…Some…something happened that he didn’t like, and he ended things immediately. I found out a few weeks later that he’d been sleeping with two other girls from our class the whole time we’d been together. The trend has just kind of stuck for some reason. I’ll start getting comfortable with a guy, like we are right now, or I won’t want to have sex as often and suddenly they’ll move on. Casual sex was just easier because I never had expectations.”

“You deserved better than that. I promise that’s not something you’ll ever need to worry about with us. I’m not going to lose interest in you over such small things, and I will _never_ cheat on you. If you ever start second guessing something or don’t want to do something, please talk to me. I want you to be as happy as I am, okay?”

She tried to bring her hand up discreetly to wipe the few tears that escaped as she nodded, but she knew he heard her quiet sniffle. His arm tightened around her as he burrowed into the back of her neck with a linger kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is kind of one of those big hurdles(specifically on the girl's end) in the beginning of a relationship so I guess that's why my Muse decided to write it in. They're officially in a relationship AND Vera opened up a bit about her past!
> 
> Side note, is anyone here opposed to Vermish sexy time chapters? I know this is classed as not rated so it's allowed for but as I don't have it in the tags yet, I just wanted to check before I wrote it in and just sprung it on people.


	7. Cost Or Reward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the reviews! This one will likely be a two part chapter, but I wanted to get this one out now to hopefully kick my Muse into gear to actually write more (I had this mostly finished by midday yesterday until my Muse just disappeared.)

CHAPTER SEVEN

10 Years and Five Months ago, End of April

“Stop it! I need to study. So, do you.” Vera said as she batted his hand with her notebook as it trailed along her shin up towards her knee.

“I can’t help it, you’re distracting.” She chuckled but didn’t look up from her notebook as his fingers returned to her shin.

“I’m literally just sitting here going over my notes. How could I possibly be distracting you?” His hand slipped further up her bare leg to rest behind her knee.

“You look sexy right now.” Her brow rose as she peaked over her notebook at him in disbelief, but he just grinned up at her.

“I’ve barely slept the past two nights, my hair is a mess, I have no makeup on and I’m wearing a baggy sweatshirt. That’s not exactly what I’d call sexy…”

“But it’s _my_ sweatshirt, which makes you go from adorable straight to sexy.”

“Did you just call me adorable?” He grinned in triumph as her notebook dropped a little further and started inching his hand further up the back of her leg until it was resting right below her ass.

“I did. Your nose scrunches when you’re trying to memorize something you’re reading. It’s adorable. You also have a tendency when you get really focused to move your lips slightly as you read…”

“Have you just been watching me this whole time instead of studying?” His hand twitched and his confident smile started shifting to sheepish.

“No…?” Her eyes rolled and she leaned forward to drag his sociology book in front of him before sinking back against her headboard with her notebook.

“Study. Now.” Vera pulled the notebook closer to her face to cover the smile spreading across it as he huffed and plopped onto his back with a sigh.

“This chapter is so _boring_.” She wouldn’t admit it, not yet at least, but he was pretty damn adorable himself when he pouted.

“Then make it interesting.” She didn’t even need to look at him to know he was scowling at her and let out a laugh as she dropped her notebook and grabbed his book. Her grin grew as she quickly skimmed through the topic the chapter was discussing, easily remembering it from when she’d taken the course.

“Why are you smiling? It’s boring and obvious. A _reward_ is a positive impact while a _cost_ is a negative, simple. There’s no need to delve into it for _twenty_ pages!” Vera leaned forward until she was hovering over him with a grin.

“Well, that really depends on how you think about it. Can they go hand in hand where _both_ can be positive _and_ negative? Or could your _cost_ turn into an even bigger _cost_ without a _reward_ without you even realizing it?” His eyes squinted as he tried to analyze the meaning behind her words.

“You’re thinking about it unilaterally from one cause to one effect, the cost equals the reward, but it’s deeper than that. Take this situation right here for example. You believe your _cost_ is having to spend time studying this dry material while your _reward_ would be an A on your exam, right?”

“Right…?”

“So, if you don’t study, your _reward_ would be not having to study and your new _cost_ would become a failing grade, right?”

“Where are you going with this” Vera just grinned wider as she turned the book and held it in front of him.

“What if by not studying now, your _cost_ became greater than just a failing grade? What if there was a _reward_ waiting that would be presented without you realizing you were even paying a _cost_ for it? Or what if your _cost_ became a failing grade and something else by not paying the original _cost_?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” He was adorably confused as he looked up at her and her grin faded into a small genuine smile before she leaned forward and kissed him softly.

“Study. Finish the chapter and you’ll understand.” He gave a pout as she pulled back and brought her notebook up again, but he rolled onto his stomach and started reading the chapter. He was on the last page when she brought her hands to his shoulders and started to knead the muscles.

“Do you understand now?” She whispered in his ear before encouraging him to roll onto his back. He was smiling as his hand came up to thread through her tangled hair and pull her down into a deep kiss.

“The _hidden aspect_ is the consequence of an action; it can be one’s _cost_ or _reward_ and you won’t know it until you pay an original _cost_.” Vera nodded with a beaming smile as she moved to straddle him.

“Yes, and the hidden aspect is always the most elusive and complex. You subconsciously act a certain way to produce a certain result and the topic of _cost_ and _reward_ is the basic fundamental study on _why_ one chooses to take a particular action.”

“So, I subconsciously chose a lower _cost_ action thinking a greater _cost_ would be taken, and therefore turned that greater _cost_ into a _reward_?” Vera nodded while rocking her hips gently and began kissing her way across his neck.

“Don’t you still need to study?” His hands were already working their way beneath the sweatshirt and pulling it up. She waited until he had it fully removed before leaning back in and kissing him.

“I already paid my _cost_ by not seeing you and studying for the last two days straight, I’m reaping my _reward_ now. A _reward_ I had planned out for myself when I invited you over to study that you almost _cost_ by not paying your _cost_ of studying, mind you. Hidden elements are all around us, Hamish. Every action has a chain of reactions that will follow.”

“God, I love your mind.” The second _love_ had come out of his mouth she hastily pushed herself up and looked down at him with wild eyes. It took a few seconds for her to register that he _hadn’t_ said what she thought he had been about to and even longer to force herself to relax again.

He was watching her with curious eyes but thankfully said nothing about the obvious panic that had just swept through her as her blush deepened. They had been dating for almost three months now, it wasn’t unheard of for the _L-word_ to come up.

Was she ready for that? Was he going to be upset if she wasn’t? Did she just ruin their night by overreaction? His arms wrapped around her back and he carefully rolled them until she was lying beneath him.

“Stop overanalyzing what just happened, Vera. We’re fine.” He whispered as he started trailing open mouthed kisses down the column of her neck towards her chest. Her eyes drifted shut with a quiet gasp as she arched into his mouth, her fingers coming up to tunnel through his hair and hold him to her.

She felt Hamish’s fingers graze along her sternum and along the underside of her other breast before working their way down along her side towards her hip. He caught the hemline of her shorts and began tugging them down, encouraging her to lift her hips for him.

“You’re beautiful.” She barely heard his muttered words over her own moan when his fingers began to slowly work over her center until her hips were rolling against his hand seeking more friction that he refused to give.

“Stop teasing _me._ ” Her growl ended in a throaty groan when he slid two fingers in, her hips rising immediately to meet him. She felt him start trailing kisses and gentle nips along her torso as he journeyed lower until his mouth joined his ministrations on her center and her hands fisted in the blanket as her moans bounced off the walls.

_Ping_

All action on his end immediately stopped, bringing her back from the blissful haze he was flooding her with enough to register a second _ping_. Her eyes opened and her gaze connected with his from his position between her thighs.

“Don’t.” It wasn’t an order, but it was definitely more than a plea and her eyes closed in dread before her hand reached towards her phone on the night table. If this was the Order requesting her presence like she thought it was, this wouldn’t be the first time she’d had to leave suddenly.

Everyone knew something was brewing within the Order right now that had the higher-ups nervous, but she was starting to think it might be possible that Edward was always calling _her_ in on purpose. It would be a bit ridiculous if true so she tried to dismiss the thought whenever it cropped up.

Still, the fact that her summons began to come more and more frequent since word of her being in a relationship had gotten out, almost always later in the evening or on the weekends had the thought lurking in the back of her mind. She was just grateful no one knew _who_ she was dating if that were the case.

If she had to leave now, this would make it the third time that she’d have to leave in the middle of sex. Every time she left, she could see him trying to understand, but so far hadn’t pressed too hard for answers.

He waited for her to look at her phone and give a resigned sigh, confirming it was the Order, before he pulled himself away from her and left the bedroom without a word. She was pretty sure his patience had reached their limits. Quickly typing out a response that she would be there shortly, she pulled her shorts and sweatshirt back on before following after Hamish.

“What are you doing?” The second she walked into the living room to see him packing his backpack, she froze. They had plans for him to stay the night and have the whole day to themselves tomorrow. Surely, he had to know she wouldn’t be gone long? It wasn’t as if this was the first time.

“You’re leaving, right? Again? I’m going home.” He tried to act as if he wasn’t bothered and was just stating a fact, but the wavering of his words told her he was upset. She walked towards him and moved her hand to rest on his arm, but he quickly stepped out of reach and clutched his pack.

“You don’t have to leave Hamish; I’ll only be…” Vera tried to reason with him as her arm dropped back to her side.

“An hour, maybe two? Just like the last ten times this has happened, right? You get a call or text and no matter what time it is or what’s going on, you take off, always for a few hours. When you come back, you’re tired, sometimes cranky or visibly shaken but you refuse to talk about it…”

“Because I _can’t_ talk about it, Hamish…” His bag was tossed onto the couch as he whirled around to face her, his face showing confused irritation.

“Just like you _can’t_ be seen with me around campus, right? Do you know the things that go through my mind when you disappear at all hours of the night, no matter what we’re doing? When you go stiff and walk as fast as you can in the opposite direction if you see me on campus?” She watched him look up at the ceiling to stem his frustration before meeting her eyes again.

“Do you even want this anymore, Vera? If you don’t, I need you to tell me because this is getting exhausting trying to navigate what we are depending on where we are. I don’t know where I stand with you.” Vera’s eyes widened as panic started coursing through her and held up both her hands in what she hoped was a soothing manner.

“Okay, hold on a second, just breathe.” His fingers sifted through his hair before scrubbing a hand over his faces with a shuddering breath.

“I need you to give me _something_ here, Vera. I care for you, a lot. I _really_ do, but I can’t keep doing this all the time…”

“What are you saying?” She knew her eyes were filling with unshed tears at the thought that he was going to end things between them as she watched his hand muse his hair further with a broken sigh.

“I don’t know, but we don’t really have the time to talk about it now, do we?” She knew he was waiting for her to deny it, to actually _show_ him she wanted this, but she couldn’t. Ever since Sophia had transferred, Edward’s attention started shifting off of Bitsy and she didn’t have any real pull with him any longer. Vera didn’t have that shield keeping him from demoting her if he so wished.

“Right.” He let out a humorless laugh and grabbed his bag before he started towards the door.

“Please don’t leave.” Vera watched him pause with his hand on the doorknob and quickly moved behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist as her face pressed against his back.

“Please stay.” It was as if all the fight flowed out of him and he became resigned, forehead coming to rest on the door.

“Will you stay?” Her arms tightened further around his waist, eyes clenching as the ragged sigh left him at her silent answer to his question.

“I _can’t_ , but I…I’ll try to explain what I can when I get back, okay? Please wait for me.” She knew he registered the deeper meaning to her plea when he turned in her arms, his own coming to wrap around her.

“Whatever you’re doing or whoever you’re going to see, just…please be careful.” She could still hear the resignation in his voice as he kissed her forehead and pulled away to make his way towards the couch.

When she walked out of her bedroom fully dressed and makeup on, she looked towards him to see he had taken one of his books out while he ‘read’. She could tell he was just staring at the pages in an effort to distract himself from the fact that she was leaving him without any explanation. Again.

“I _do_ want this Hamish. Please don’t ever question that.” The door was open as she looked back at him on the couch. He didn’t look up at her words, but he offered a small nod as his hands tightened over the book.

“I’m sorry.” She wasn’t sure if he’d heard her apology as she shut the door and quickly brought her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose to quell the torrent of emotions. Once she felt like her defenses were back in place, she pushed off the door and started towards the temple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It can't all be fluff and happy times in their past. The topic of The Order and magic had to have been a huge hurdle for them to get over and poor Hamish is thinking the absolute worst case scenarios that would explain her actions. 
> 
> I also wanted to say I actually HATED my sociology classes in college (I was an experimental science major (physics), not a social science and had problems approaching the thought process because it was so different - i.e social science ignore possible variables when coming to a conclusion, while experimental has to consider everything that could have impacted it) so if anyone is a sociology major and I got the whole 'Cost' and 'Reward' topic wrong, that's on me thinking about it from an experimental science mind.


	8. Loyalties Are Questioned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again my Muse is taking me in some weird directions...I don't even know what's going on right now.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Vera knew something had happened the second she entered the Temple to see almost all of the disciples had been gathered. Bitsy immediately made her way towards her and pulled her off to the side.

“What’s going on?” The woman before her looked unnaturally rattled and kept looking over her shoulder before leaning closer to her.

“The Magus found four acolytes dead inside the vault. Their bodies were mutilated, and all signs point towards necromancy.”

“ _In_ the vault? That means someone from The Order has to be responsible. Likely for all the attacks that have been happening.” Vera immediately started looking at everyone gathered, trying to get a read on them.

There were only a couple that seemed neither frightened nor concerned about what happened. Two stood out to her more than the others. Bitsy caught her gaze and followed it to see the twins from the class above them.

“I know they keep mostly to themselves and might be little eager to partake in the sacrifice, but you don’t think they would honestly be a part of this do you?” Almost as if they knew they were watching them, both turned with an ‘innocent’ smile and raised their glasses before taking a sip.

“I think if it were to be anyone, it’d be them. They’re the two favorites to run any of the rituals involving necromancy. I just don’t have any real proof and you know the Magus won’t listen to me. Especially not with the soft spot he has for Renee, ‘his first protégé’.” Vera continued to watch the sisters throughout the meeting but other than appearing bored like they usually did, they gave nothing away.

Vera waited with Bitsy as Edward called them into the reliquary one at a time for his own interrogation before the Adepti were set to arrive tomorrow. She had tried messaging Hamish a few times to tell him things were running longer than expected and to ask him to please wait just a little bit longer. All of them stayed on unread.

Kepler’s hand quickly reached out and grabbed her phone from her when she pulled it out to send another message, earning a dark glare from Vera. Kepler thankfully didn’t try to look at the messages as she held her phone just out of reach and gave her own glare at Vera.

“You’re acting desperate, stop it…” Vera growled and leaned forward enough to snatch her phone back, unable to stop her eyes from glancing at it to see if a message had come through. None had.

“I’m not acting desperate, I just told him I’d only be an hour or two. We’ve been here for four already…”

“So _what_? You two are basically always together when you’re not on campus or here. Let him miss you a bit…”

“That’s not true…” She argued, but thinking about it, they had been together basically any time she had free time. It was just free time wasn’t exactly easy to come by with schoolwork and constantly being called in to the temple lately.

“You’ve gotten so boring since you started dating him…” Vera rolled her eyes and tucked her phone back into her pocket.

“Yes, well according to you Bitsy, I was never any fun to begin with so it really shouldn’t be too different.” She could see Bitsy studying her and tried to dampen her worry and irritation over the situation with Hamish and The Order.

“Things aren’t going so well in paradise now, are they?” Vera heard the _‘I told you so’_ in Kepler’s voice and crossed her arms, refusing to look at the woman.

“We’re _fine_.” She ground out, glare darkening as the woman let out chuckle.

“This is why I told you to keep things casual with no strings attached if you’re going to sleep with someone outside the Order. Outsiders just can’t understand…”

“He could.” It was out of her mouth before she realized she’d even started speaking. Her hands tightened on her arms as Bitsy’s full attention shifted to her.

“You can’t say anything…”

“I _know_ that. I’m just saying that he _could_ handle it and would be able to understand the importance of keeping it secret…”

“If you tell him and they find out, you’re done for Vera. They’ll kick you out, you know that. He’s not worth the risk…”

“You’re wrong.” She watched the reliquary door open before Edward pointed at her and indicated she follow. Vera turned towards Bitsy with a pained smile.

“I’m not going to tell him Bitsy, don’t worry. I know I can’t. It’s also not safe for _him_ to know about us, especially not with what’s happening right now. It’s too dangerous.” She could see the concern melt from the woman’s face before she followed Edward into the Reliquary.

* * *

With fists clenched in pain and anger, Vera swiped the blood from beneath her eyes and stiffly stepped out of the office with an emotionless mask on her face as she made her way towards the bar. She needed a shot after that interrogation before she headed home to face Hamish.

The fact that he had accused her of being responsible for the murders had been bad enough, but she had expected it. It’s what he had been doing to all of them. She had nothing to hide or keep secret, so the glove did nothing to her.

What she _hadn’t_ been anticipating was for him to move past that and go on to suggest her _‘precious boyfriend’_ had been using her from the very beginning to gain access to The Order. Internally, she’d been fuming, but outwardly she calmly explained that she had revealed nothing about The Order or anything related to magic to him.

Again, the glove sensed the truth of her words and did nothing. But he wasn’t satisfied and continued to press. The attacks had started almost immediately after she had originally gone home with him after the holiday party. He wanted to know what happened and what he had done that night.

That was the first time the glove sent a tremor through her and quickly had her admitting that she didn’t know where he’d been because she left him at the club and gone to the library. It hadn’t reacted much after that until he got to questioning her about today.

He had asked what she had been doing before she got the message and apparently studying wasn’t a true enough answer for the glove. She tried to add more detail by saying she was studying with her boyfriend, but still the pain flooded through her, finally pulling the truth from her.

He had laughed in humor while applauding her _subservience_ in coming in immediately before asking her for his name so he could ‘apologize to the lad for ruining his night’. Her teeth clenched through the pain as she watched him go from humored to irritated at her lack of an answer.

He _knew_ Hamish was innocent by her previous responses. He had always been with her when an incident occurred, he couldn’t have been responsible. They both knew he was blatantly abusing his power right now.

The problem was her silence infuriated him further, so the pain continued to come. It wasn’t until Sophia had walked out from the vault with a book and witnessed what was happening, that he’d removed the glove from her shoulder and allowed her to take a ragged breath.

He quickly dismissed her with annoyance, and she offered a small _thank you_ to Sophia when she helped her stand. The Adepti handing her a few tissues when she turned. The door had slammed shut as soon as she had stepped out and she wasn’t sure if it was Sophia or Edward that had done it.

“What happened?” Vera ignored Bitsy and downed the shot before pouring herself another one.

“Nothing. He got the answers he needed to prove mine and _Hair’s_ innocence but wanted more after that. I refused to share.” She always referred to Hamish as _Hair_ around Bitsy and she didn’t seem to care anymore. She had long since given up on trying to get his real identity from her.

“You have got to stop going toe to toe with him Vera…”

“I _wasn’t_! My personal life is private when it doesn’t harm or impact The Order or my subservience to it. He _knew_ it did neither. He just didn’t like me refusing to answer him.”

“I know from experience how intense he can get so if you didn’t tell him what he wanted to know; how did you get him to stop?”

“Sophia stepped in. I think her presence here will be good for him and us. She seems to be able to calm his temper and those that have her say she’s a great professor.” She looked down at her second shot before tossing it back with a pained wince as her muscles cramped. She went to grab the bottle to pour a third when someone stepped up beside her.

“I see he’s been at it again with you, huh? Such a temper that one.” Vera rolled her eyes and turned her gaze to see Rosa Marand leaning against the bar watching her with a ‘sympathetic’ look.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle. What do you want Rosa?” The twin gave her a once over with an inquisitive look before flicking her gaze to Kepler and jerking her head. A clear order for her to leave them to talk. Once the two were alone, Rosa reached out and trailed a finger along the bottle of bourbon.

“You are a wild card Vera Stone. I can’t determine if that’s a good thing or bad yet.” Vera was in pain, tired and was already cranky _before_ she’d gotten to the Temple.

A confusing round of back and forth with one of the Marand sisters wasn’t fun on a good day, let alone the shitty day she’d had but this time she felt something prick at her subconscious. The way she was talking, the acolytes found dead _likely_ by necromancy.

“You’ve seen my future, haven’t you?” Rosa didn’t look up, but Vera saw the corner of her mouth pull upwards.

“You’re clever and you don’t back down while still staying subservient in all things. The higher-ups in The Order have started taking notice of you, in a good way. Even with our Magus’ treatment of you and yet they do nothing to step in?”

“They have no need to step in. He’s my Magus and if he’s following the rules of The Order, I accept his decisions…”

“Interesting choice of words, _‘following the rules of the Order.’_ Tell me, do you think you’re the only girl that tried to stop the subservience test? Some weren’t as clever as you. Remember Chloe Morton? Back when you were still an Acolyte?”

Vera nodded, hand tightening around her empty shot glass. It was Edward’s first year as Temple Magus. It was how she’d found out that the _‘special assignments’_ he had were really a sick subservience test to show him just how _loyal_ and _obedient_ you were.

Watching that poor girl go half mad from a botched memory wipe from contaminated powder after her assault had been difficult enough. But when she’d heard about her suicide a year afterwards, Vera had felt like she failed her somehow, despite being a year younger.

“We were friends, you know. Inducted into The Order together. Renee was the first to be _tested_ , but she has a weakness for our Magus and enjoyed it. When she told the two of us, Chloe was terrified and asked me for help. I went to the Grand Magus on her behalf to tell them what was happening, present proof of it to get her out of it. They did _nothing!_

“Oh yes, they’ve known this entire time. You’re just lucky he didn’t call your bluff back then or know he’d already been given a green light to do what he pleased with us. Within reason of course. As long as it doesn’t hurt them or The Order, they don’t care.”

“No. They banned it. If they knew it was happening, they would step in…” Finally, Rosa looked up from the bottle with emotionless eyes that had Vera second guessing her conviction.

“This is what The Order does, Vera. They cover up bad things so bad people can continue doing bad things. _You_ aren’t like them, that’s clear. But your loyalties are confusing…”

“My loyalties are to The Order.”

“In most instances, yes, but not always. Which is why you’ve been summoned so often recently. Why what happens next _had_ to happen according to them. A sick test of your loyalties so to speak.” Vera’s eyes widened as Rosa pushed herself off the bar and turned to start walking away.

“What do you mean? What did they do?” Rosa paused but didn’t look back, just offered a half head turn in her direction.

“I believe it was something along the lines of how _every action has a chain of reactions that will follow_. Your _cost_ tonight was necessary to them, but it was higher than you anticipated _or_ were willing to pay. They knew that.” It took less than thirty seconds for Vera to recognize her own words from a few hours ago and her eyes widened further in panic before she took off out of the temple.

Only one train of thought was going through her mind the entire drive back to her apartment. The Order had often pulled the twins in for necromancy rituals. Rosa _knew_ about her conversation with Hamish before she’d been summoned. She hinted that the Order knew too. Said her loyalties to the Order were in question in the future.

Vera knew of only one thing that could possibly turn her against The Order right now. She knew the Order didn’t mind killing if it kept them safe. She let out a growl and pressed harder on the gas. If Edward sent anyone to touch a single hair on his head, she would tear the entire organization to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I think this is what happened in the Marand twins and and Chloe's past? No. Could it work for the story and actually make sense? I certainly hope so because my Muse has insisted to put it in...it's anyone's guess where these memories are going...the only thing I know is what happens AFTER we finish Vera's memories...
> 
> The idea about the Order not stepping in to stop sex magic was from Vera's reaction when Kepler said they put a stop to it. It just seemed like she believed differently.


	9. I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the reviews! My Muse has kidnapped me and forced me on this journey with all of you (I legit only know the ending to this story, nothing about Vera's memories)

CHAPTER NINE

Vera didn’t bother using her key to unlock the door, just made a quick slash and threw it open as her gaze swept around the room. Nothing _seemed_ out of place, but his book was still open on the table which was odd. Without removing her jacket, she dropped her purse and rushed towards the bedroom.

All of her panic flowed out of her when she saw him sleeping peacefully beneath the comforter in the middle of the bed. She quietly unbuttoned her jacket and quickly stripped down, not bothering to slip into her pajamas before crawling in behind him. Her soft smile immediately dropped to be replaced with horror when her arm wrapped around him and her hand connected with something wet.

She was on her knees and throwing the blanket off of them in an instant. Terror gripped her as she saw the large crimson stain on her white sheets. Without checking for a pulse, she brought both hands to the wound on his torso and closed her eyes.

“Hamish? You have to stay with me, okay? Come on, you _have_ to fight. Please don’t do this to me, not again.” Her tears were falling freely while she pleaded with him as his wound slowly stitched itself back together until only smooth skin remained. With trembling hands, she brought her fingers to his neck to check for a pulse and let out a relieved sob.

“You’re okay, you’re safe, I’ve got you.” She was still crying softly, curled up against him, head resting over his heart to make sure it was still beating almost fifteen minutes later when she felt him start to stir. Her arms tightened around him as a choked sob escaped her.

“Vera? What is it? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” It was as if a dam burst within her at his concern for _her_ and she turned her face into his chest with erratic breaths.

“I love you.” The words slipped out between heaving gasps, but she knew they were true. She felt his arm tighten around her as his other moved to guide her head up so he could see her face.

“What happened? Did someone hurt you?” The hallow laugh slipped from her lips before she leaned forward to kiss him.

“ _You_ almost died, Hamish.” Vera watched as confusion flitted across his face and gently stroked her thumb over the section she’d healed. He abruptly sat up on the bed and pushed her behind him as he scanned the room.

“No one’s here, they left. Do you remember what happened?” Not caring if he judged her for being clingy, she moved to hug him from behind, her face pressed into his back, hand resting over his heart.

“Two people broke in somehow. They were wearing black cloaks and these weird beaked bird mask type things. One of them cut their hand and held it out towards me before saying something in gibberish. I…I couldn’t move…I don’t…”

Vera tightened her grip on him as she heard the fear and confusion in his words and placed a lingering kiss on his back between his shoulder blades. She felt his hands come up towards his torso as he looked down at the blood-soaked skin.

“I…I was stabbed Vera…but I’m…what is happening…?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never should have started this. It’s too dangerous…” She started apologizing with teary eyes and went to pull back so he could leave, but his hands grabbed her arms before they could unfurl completely.

“No, wait. Don’t _do_ that, Vera. Just…hold on, give me a minute, okay?” Vera allowed herself to sink back against him, but her grip remained loose. Half expecting him to flee the second he made the full connection to what happened.

“I couldn’t move earlier. _They_ moved me to the bed and positioned me to appear as if I was sleeping and stabbed me. You said I almost died, meaning you found me like that. But I’m fine. You did something?”

“I healed you…” She skirted around the answer, but knew he picked up on it.

“But not with medicine. There’s no way. _How_ did you heal me?”

“Hamish, I can’t…”

“ _No!_ I’m not accepting that anymore, Vera! Someone broke into your home and tried to kill your boyfriend to manipulate you. You’re in danger and I’m not going to let you brush it off anymore.” He broke her hold on him and turned so he was kneeling in front of her before cupping her face.

“You’re hurt.” He whispered as his thumb stroked gently below her eye, making her aware that she hadn’t been successful in removing all the blood after her interrogation. She pulled back slightly and brought her hand up to try to wipe the blood away.

“I’m okay.” He frowned before his hand reached out to grab hers and pull it away from her face, reminding her of his blood covering them. She tried to pull her hands free and move towards the bathroom to remove the crimson stain, but his grip tightened.

“Let _go_!” His features were showing confusion and hesitancy as he opened his mouth a couple times before looking down at his torso again. When he met her gaze again, she saw determination on his face with a hint of embarrassment.

“The Hermetic Order of the Blue Rose?” She kept her face from reacting, but felt her fingers twitch slightly. Based off of his nod, she knew he felt it too.

“It’s real and you’re a member?” Vera didn’t answer, but she knew her features were becoming more guarded which just confirmed his theories. His relieved exhale surprised her and had her cocking her head slightly.

“ _That’s_ where you’ve been going, right? You’re being summoned to a secret society. Are they the one’s that hurt you tonight?”

“Hamish, I can’t talk about this. It’s not safe right now and you’re already in danger…”

“Exactly. I’m already in danger. Those people that did this, I don’t think they knew I could hear them, or they didn’t care because I was supposed to die but they were arguing the whole time. One of them said this was the plan and they couldn’t back out now. That my sacrifice was necessary for ‘ _her’_ to turn against _‘them’_ and bring it all crashing down around them.”

“What?” She was on high alert as her mind scrambled to process the new information. The Order didn’t do this tonight. Rosa had set them up, ever since she met Hamish. She had carefully planned when to attack to pull her away from Hamish so she’d start to despise Edward. Had known Edward would question his connection to the attacks.

She had waited till tonight to drop that bit about The Order knowing and doing nothing about Edward’s subservience tests knowing it’d make her question things even more. Coupled with Hamish’s death after laying the groundwork for her to believe it was The Order that had killed him would have caused her to snap.

If she hadn’t gotten home soon enough to save him, she _would_ have done everything she could to bring it down. A new thought ran through her mind. Rosa told her all of this because she _needed_ her away from the Temple, and quickly. She was going to attack.

“She messed up You weren’t supposed to survive. We need to leave. _Now!_ ” Panic was rushing through her. There were so many people left at The Temple when she’d been dismissed. Rosa planned to kill them all, Edward included. If things went according to her plan, Vera never would have discovered the truth.

“Vera, what is happening…?”

“Yes, the Order is real. Yes, I’m a member. Yes, you were supposed to die to get _me_ to turn against the Order. Magic is real and right now at least two extremely powerful practitioners are getting ready to launch an attack and kill a bunch of students. I need to warn them, but I’m not leaving you here alone. Now get dressed!”

He caught the clothes she tossed at him and she quickly yanked on a sweater and pants before running out into the kitchen. She watched his eyes widen as she grabbed two knives and slid them into her back pockets but he followed after her without a word.

Vera knew he tried to stay quiet as she chewed on her lip anxiously, praying that she made it in time and wouldn’t find a slaughter. When his hand landed on her knee and squeezed gently, she dropped her own to clasp his.

“Something happened tonight besides the attack on me, didn’t it? That’s why you were gone so long.”

“Yes. Our Magus, the head of Belgrave’s chapter, found four of our lowest rank murdered. The damage done to their bodies indicated necromancy…”

“People that raise the dead?” Despite the situation, Vera found herself smiling slightly and shook her head.

“No. You can’t bring someone back from the dead. At least I don’t know of any way to do it. Necromancy allows you to see parts of someone’s past, recent events or likely futures. But in order to do it, you need to use either pieces of a dead body, like the eye to see their last few moments or the entire body, to see the future…”

“And that’s what you do? You just cut into a body and…”

“No. Not me. I’ve learned how to but have never been summoned to partake. And I would never willingly do so.” She quickly cut him off, hearing the borderline disgust in his voice. She didn’t think it was directed at her but wanted to make sure he knew.

“Willingly?” Her hand tightened on the steering wheel at the slip but nodded stiffly.

“Silence, subservience and observance. It’s the rules of the Order we all must follow. If we don’t, we’ll likely have our memory wiped and get thrown out.”

“So, when you got a message in the past and said you had to leave…”

“I _had_ to leave or risk my memory being erased and lose all that I’ve worked for in the last nine years, yes. I’ve put up with a lot of bad in the Order over the years…”

“Then why not leave? It’s obviously dangerous, why continue to risk yourself?” She clenched her eyes quickly before refocusing on the road.

“I believe I can do a lot of good with what I’ve learned. I want to change the Order, make it better one day. But to do that, I need to graduate from it and move into a position where I can actually do some good.” He was silent for a few minutes and her confidence that he could handle it was starting to waver.

“You believe the risks to your life and wellbeing are worth it?” There was no judgement in his voice, just genuine concern.

“I do.”

“Okay. What do you need from me?” Her head snapped towards him with wide eyes as she pulled into a parking spot.

“What? Hamish, you know it’s not safe for you to stay with me. Look what happened tonight, they’re targeting you to get to me…”

“I’ll take the risk.”

“You’ll risk your life? Just to stay with me? But…why?” He smiled at her confusion and brought a hand up to cup her face before pulling her closer until his lips covered hers in a soft kiss.

“Because I love you too. Now, as much as I’d love to stay here, don’t we need to go and stop some…necromancers?” Vera smiled at his questioning tone and nodded.

“They’re sisters. Stay right beside me so I can keep you safe, okay?” He offered her hand one more squeeze before exiting the car and running along beside her towards the temple.

“Oh my god.” Their words echoed off the walls as soon as they rounded the corner to see the Temple look as if a bomb had gone off. On a quick glance, there were about twenty to thirty bloody bodies littering the temple floor.

Vera didn’t have time to search and see if she knew any of them before the bodies started to twitch and push themselves up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! 😬😬😬
> 
> But for anyone that doesn't read Claimed and doesn't know, I do have a rule for myself that any chapters that end on a cliffhanger will have the next chapter posted within 2 days tops (unless something serious happens in real life to prevent it)...so you won't have to wait too long.


	10. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit of a battle to keep my Muse in check but I'm pretty happy with the result...hope you all are as well.
> 
> If there's grammatical mistakes I'm blaming it on not really sleeping last night.

CHAPTER TEN

She felt Hamish grip her arm and pull her back a few steps at the site of the first face they saw. It was streaked with red veins and their eyes were a pale unnatural blue.

“I thought you just said you can’t raise the dead…” Vera huffed and took another step back with him as she pulled out one of her knives.

“Yeah well, _obviously_ I was wrong…”

“There’s a first time for everything I suppose.” She frowned at his tone and looked over her shoulder to see him giving her a grin. The fear was still clear on his face, but he couldn’t resist taking the opportunity to tease her. Vera tried to fight the smile from forming, this _really_ wasn’t the time or the place for this, but still it spread across her face with a roll of her eyes.

“You’re crazy, you do know that, right?” He grinned wider, taking another step back as the animated corpses came closer.

“Yeah, but you _love_ it.” With another roll of her eyes and a small smile she cut into her palm.

“I do. Okay, I’m going to try to hold them off, but right now I need us to make it to that room over there and see if the Magus is…”

 _“She wants you to save the life of a man who has tortured her for years and forced himself on countless women. Can you stomach saving the life of a rapist?”_ Vera froze and the grin from Hamish’s face was replaced by anger and concern as he stepped up and laid a hand on her lower back.

“You made mistakes tonight Rosa. You miscalculated the time it would take me to get home and save him. You almost had me. Even when he was safe, you _almost_ got your wish, but you chose your allies poorly. Some aren’t as loyal as you thought, they talked, and he heard everything.”

 _“I needed you out of the Temple before the explosion occurred and you were on your way to getting drunk. I admit, I misjudged how deeply you cared and thus your desperation to save him. You took an unseen path tonight. Even now though_ _your future continues to be muddled, which is highly unusual. You_ know _it wasn’t the Order that attacked him and yet your allegiance to them is still questionable…”_

“My loyalty is to the Order.” Vera ground out, side stepping with Hamish as a corpse threw piece of a chair towards them. They just had to make it to the Reliquary and get to Edward. Vera knew he had to still be alive but wounded based on Rosa’s determination to keep them talking.

 _“Not always. Both your futures are unclear, but he somehow has the ability to ensure your loyalty and place you at the very_ top _of the Order or drag you from it completely. The_ only _guarantee to pull you from the Order’s clutches however would be with his death…”_

“That’s _not_ going to happen.” She growled as she pulled Hamish behind her slightly, nearly tripping on a broken liquor bottle before Hamish steadied her.

_“We shall see.”_

“If you kill him tonight or any other night, I _won’t_ attack the Order…”

 _“No, no, I do see that opportunity has passed already. But if you won’t join with us, we need you removed. You are too powerful and with your future uncertain, we cannot take the risk. In one of your possible futures, you’re Temple Magus and my sister dies. No. This is the_ only _way to ensure her protection.”_

“And what if you’re just making an even bigger enemy out of me? What if by your actions tonight, you ensure that future and Renee’s death…” Hamish yanked Vera backwards as a young blond corpse flung a broken bottle towards Vera’s head and together, they took several quick steps away from the group.

 _“No, that won’t happen. You see, you won’t be able to handle being responsible for the death of another person you love. You’ll get sloppy and start acting rash, snapping at anyone who disagrees with you or gets in your way. They will have no choice but to powder you.”_ Vera grew stiff, legs unwilling to move or register Hamish behind her.

“What’s she talking about Vera?” He shook her out of her trance and forced her to continue moving as the possessed bodies came closer.

“Nothing, don’t listen to her...”

_“She killed her daughter.”_

“Stop it!” Vera snapped while thrusting her hand out and muttering a quick word that sent the person that had been speaking to them flying into a pillar. Immediately the next person closest to them started speaking.

 _“Oh, but it’s true. Little Alexandra was such a sweet child, hardly ever cried. She was only seven months old and you poisoned her. If it weren’t for you insisting you could raise her on your own, she’d still be alive, did you know that? You murdered your innocent child, but she won’t be the last you’ll mourn because of your actions.”_ Both of Vera’s hands had lifted to the side of her head and were clutching her hair as her eyes clenched tight.

“Stop it!” Vera’s head was shaking back and forth as her knife slipped from her grip. She barely felt Hamish pulling her with him away from the group as she kept muttering _‘no’_ under her breath. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her back against his chest as he continued moving towards the reliquary.

“Vera, I need you to listen. Whatever happened, I know it was an accident. She’s trying to get into your head. You need to block her out. Now _move_!” He spoke softly but his words were firm in her ear before he shoved her into the reliquary.

She heard the doors slam shut before pounding started on the other side, but Rosa’s words kept playing in her mind. Would Ally still be alive today if she’d listened to her parents and given her up for adoption? Did her selfishness cause her daughter’s death? Would Ally have been better off without her?

“Vera, honey, I _know_ you’re hurting, and I’m so sorry, but right now you _need_ to snap out of it. I don’t know how to fight this and keep you safe, so I need you to help me here, okay?” Her pain filled eyes turned towards him to see him bracing against the burned wood of the doors in an effort to keep them shut. She dug into her palm again and twisted her hand to seal the doors before looking towards the two bodies on the floor.

“Quickly, try to wake him up.” Vera instructed when she saw Edward looked better off than Sophia. She dropped to her knees beside the Adepti, not registering the pain from landing on the stone floor. Vera carefully pulled the large piece of splintered wood from Sophia’s stomach before she started healing the wound with shaking hands. Edward woke first, shoving Hamish away from him as he moved to lean over Sophia.

“Is she okay?”

“She’ll be fine, I’ve got her. You need to heal yourself Magus, you’re also bleeding heavily.” Vera met Hamish’s gaze and signaled him to come stand behind her.

“What happened? Last I remember we opened the doors to call in another disciple for questioning.”

“The twins set off….” Sophia jerked upwards with a pained gasp and clutched the residual wound in her stomach where the piece of wood had been embedded.

“What…?”

“The twins set off some kind of magical explosion. Rosa has been planning this since Chloe left the Order.” Vera kept her gaze down and forced the bite out of her words. Rosa may have been the one to kill everyone out there, but if it hadn’t been for Edward’s actions, Chloe would still be alive today and the slaughter in the other room might have never happened.

“They’ve taken necromancy beyond seeing the past and future. All twenty to thirty disciples that were still in the temple are dead but walking around right now. She’s talking through them, using anything she can to try and taunt you…” Edward cut her off and immediately sealed the outer walls of the temple to keep the dead within before looking up at Hamish.

“Who’s he?” Vera’s fists clenched as she looked down. “Ah, the elusive boyfriend. Well, it seems he knows about the Order now. This is serious…”

“The twins sent two magistrates to kill him. It was only because he listened to them speaking and told me that I found out what they were planning. He’s the reason I was able to get back here in time and save both of you and everyone else on campus from the hoard of undead in the next room…”

“Now isn’t the time for this. We’ll discuss how to handle this later Ms. Stone.” Sophia cut off with a hand on her shoulder, immediately silencing Vera.

“Yes Adeptus. What can I do to help?”

* * *

Between the three of them, they had been able to subdue the animated corpses by severing the link between Rosa and them with only a few injuries on their end. The only damage Vera allowed the others to know about were the cuts and bruises on the side of her face from a particularly nasty blow to the head.

She had picked herself up and shook her head before jumping right back into the fray. Sophia had offered to heal the damage, but she refused to appear weak in front of Edward or Council, so she waved her off. Once she got home and regained some of her strength, she’d heal the damage to her face, as well as the heavy bruising to her ribs and back from one corpse that had snuck up on her.

Sophia and Edward had thankfully allowed Hamish to stay in the Reliquary for his protection while they fought the corpses and updated Council on everything that happened. A full-scale Order manhunt was already underway for the twins and missing Magistrates that had attacked Hamish.

“You impressed all of us today, Vera. Your actions this evening may have saved the entire Order with your quick thinking and spell casting. Perhaps I may have misjudged you.” She looked up with shocked eyes, but he just continued to watch her with curiosity before waving his hand in dismissal.

“Oh Vera? Did you need this?” She turned to look at him to see him holding a small pouch. It took everything in her to not react outwardly as she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her own bag.

“I always have it on me Magus. I’ll take care of it.” He nodded and set the bag back on the altar.

“See that you do. Oh, and just in case you had planned to _not_ powder him and pretend that you had, know that you’ll be questioned again tomorrow. The Council has insisted on a full interrogation of all remaining members again with the Adepti present. We need to be sure to weed out any more of the twin’s followers.” That had been _exactly_ what she had been planning to do, and she could tell he knew it.

“Yes Magus.”

“You’re dismissed.” Vera tucked the bag back in her pocket and stepped up to the Reliquary to get Hamish. She watched his eyes widen at the damage to her face, but knew he picked up on the need for silence and clasped her hand as she pulled him out of the temple, refusing to look up at the man watching them with curiosity.

* * *

Vera paced back and forth outside of her bedroom trying to figure out what to do. The pain in her torso dulled by her desperation to find another way out of this situation. She had asked Hamish to give her a few minutes alone to try to sort out her thoughts. No matter how much she knew she had to wipe his memory to keep them both safe, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Normally, it wouldn’t be an issue, but she knew she was going to be questioned tomorrow with the glove. Edward was giving her a warning, likely for saving his and Sophia’s lives tonight. If she didn’t wipe his memory, it would come up in the interrogation tomorrow and they may choose to wipe _both_ their memories.

 _Unless_ …She froze with her head tilted to the side, thumbnail between her teeth as she nodded to herself. Yes, that could actually work. Mind made up, she grabbed the bag from her coat pocket and stepped into the bedroom. Hamish was sitting nervously on the bed, almost as if he knew what was about to happen.

“They told you to wipe my memories, didn’t they?” She nodded and stepped directly in front of him as his hands came to rest on her hips. Vera grabbed one of his hands and brought it between them, palm up, and set the bag in it before taking a deep breath.

“I need you to powder me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rosa is kind of a huge ass. And Vera asking Hamish to powder her? What is happening right now?
> 
> I won't really delve too much further into the twin storyline, maybe a few tiny mentions if it pertains to Vermish, but really the twins backstory are a whole story in and of itself (despite my Muse trying to force it here)


	11. I'm Not Powdering You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I broke my own rule of 2 day updates after cliff hangers 🙈 but I didn't want to drag this memory out any longer so this chapter wound up being a lot longer than expected and took more time to finish.
> 
> Anyone that's reading Claimed...this chapter is my Muse apologizing and trying to balance the pain. Enjoy ☺️

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“What? Vera, no! I’m not erasing your memories!” Vera stepped closer and curled his fingers around the bag.

“Not _exactly_ erasing them. It’s more like you’d be manipulating a few things. It’s the only way Hamish…”

“No, it’s not. You can powder me!” She shook her head adamantly before climbing on the bed, so she was straddling his lap, a small smile spreading across her face as his arm immediately wrapped around her to keep her from falling.

“ _Never_. I’m not going to manipulate your memories and make you forget what happened tonight. I _knew_ you could handle knowing about us and I know you know how important it is to keep it secret…”

“But they ordered you to make me forget Vera. For your own safety, you have to…”

“No! I’m choosing _you,_ Hamish. I don’t want to keep anymore secrets from you, not anymore. The Order is a huge part of my life and who I am, and I want you to know about that part of me.” Vera was watching him with a soft smile as her fingers played with the hair at the base of his head.

“Okay…but why do I need to powder you? We’ll just be careful. If neither one of us say anything then no one will know…”

“It won’t work. There’s this glove that the Order has, it forces you to admit the truth or suffer agonizing pain. Silence isn’t really an option when it comes to that glove, especially for yes or no questions…”

“And they would resort to using it on students?” His voice held so much anger and concern that when the image from her interrogation earlier crossed her mind, she couldn’t stop herself from breaking their gaze and looking down.

“They’ve already used it on you, haven’t they?” Vera couldn’t bring herself to look at him as she nodded weakly. They both already knew the answer anyways. His hand rubbed against her back gently and she just barely managed to keep herself from flinching when his hand ran over the bruised section as he kissed the top of her head.

“When?”

“Earlier today, before I came back…”

“Are you okay?” She heard the worry in his voice and lifted her head to offer a weak smile.

“I’m just a little sore, I’ll be fine. What are you _doing_?!” Her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders at the sudden shift backwards until he stood with her in his arms and encouraged her to wrap her legs around his waist.

“I _can_ walk, you know.” He just nodded and captured her lips in a soft kiss.

“I know, but I want to carry you.”

“Where are we going?” She didn’t argue with him and once she no longer felt like she was going to fall, brought her hand back to trail through his hair in an attempt to calm herself from the day’s events.

“First a shower so we can clean up. Then I was thinking a massage in the bath?” Vera dropped her gaze as her fingers faltered in his hair and brought her other hand up to lay over his chest.

“Okay, but I…You need to know that I _will_ be fine and once I rest, I’ll be able to heal myself, okay? But uh…so you’re not surprised when you see it, I did get pretty banged up tonight.”

“How bad?” She gave a pained shrug and brought her arms back around his shoulders.

“The face is minor compared to what I expect my torso looks like right now. But like I said, as soon as I’m not as tired and its safe for me to perform magic, I’ll heal myself. You don’t need to worry about how bad it looks because it won’t be like that for long, okay?”

“I believe you. I’ll be careful to avoid any bruises and if anything hurts, let me know. At the very least, the bath alone should help.”

“We will still need to discuss the powder, Hamish. And I know you must have questions. We can’t just ignore everything and hope it’ll all go away.”

“I know.”

* * *

“So, our Chancellor is your Magus?” Vera was leaning forward in the bath as he kneaded her sore muscles. He didn’t touch her entire left side due to the deep purple bruise that was splashed across her pale skin. She offered a small hum before slowly pushing herself back so she could rest against his chest.

“The jobs go hand in hand at every Chapter. Every time a new Temple Magus takes over, the Chancellor changes." He didn’t say anything as he brought his hands up to start kneading her biceps in silence for several minutes.

“Vera, the things that woman was saying about you…?” Hamish trailed off hesitantly before he could finish and though she tried to stop it, she really did, Vera felt herself growing rigid and started to pull away from him. His arms wound around her torso, mindful to stay clear of the bruising, as he sat up straighter with her and kissed her shoulder.

“I’m sorry about your daughter.” His whispered words cut through the silence of the bathroom but did little to ease her tension or the pain that swept through her.

“It’s fine. It was a long time ago.” She forced the words out while trying to stem the pain. She knew he picked up on her struggling when his arms tightened around her and he placed another lingering kiss to her shoulder.

“You don’t need to act tough around me, Vera. The loss of a child isn’t something someone just gets over and I don’t expect you to. I’m not going to push you to move on or tell me about her or even what happened. But I want you to know that I _am_ here for you if you ever want to talk to me about it, okay?”

He didn’t say anything else, just continued leaving a gentle trail of kisses across her back and shoulders until she slowly relaxed back against him. Once they were reclining again, his hand moved up so his fingers could trail across her collarbone absently. She could tell he wanted to ask something but didn’t know if he should by the way he would take a deep breath every few seconds.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.” She let out a disgruntled huff and felt him sigh behind her.

“She said Coventry tortured you for years and that he _forced_ himself on countless others. She called him a rapist. Did he…were you…I mean…” Vera brought her hand to thread through his that was wrapped around her waist as she shook her head.

“Not _me_. I was clever when he tried to test my _subservience_ to him and convinced him to let me go. But uh…if Rosa is to be believed, I was very lucky. The Order _used_ to practice sex magic, often forced in the sense that you couldn’t say no if you wanted to remain in the Order. It was supposed to be banned in the eighties, but Edward acts as if it wasn’t.

“I found out about the _test_ a few years before he targeted me because a botched memory wipe done on one of the girl’s in the class above me. So, when I was promoted to Magistratus and he brought me into the vault to ‘test’ me, I threatened to tell the Grand Magus and Council about what he was doing.

“I also made it clear that if he forced himself on me and tried to powder me to forget as he’d occasionally done in the past, they would still be notified. Of course, it was all just a bluff at the time, but he bought it. It turns out Council and the Grand Magus may have already known and just don’t bother interfering because it’s not hurting _them_.”

“They’re letting him rape people and aren’t doing _anything_ about it?! What about local authorities? Maybe we can send an anonymous tip to the police that the chancellor is raping…” Vera gave a dry laugh and shook her head as her hand tightened in his.

“There’s memory _powder_ , then there’s memory incantations that effects whole groups of people. Do you remember the student that got into a car accident the night we met?”

“Yeah, we actually had a few freshmen classes together…he didn’t die from the accident, did he?”

“No. There was no accident, we found him in the science building cut up. He was likely the first victim in Rosa’s plan. We cleaned the mess and performed a widescale memory modification. That’s why there was no real investigation into his death, just ruled to be drunk driving. Edward can choose to do that at any point for any reason.”

“That’s awful Vera.” She could do nothing more than nod in agreement. It’s one of the things she wanted to change.

“She said he tortured you for years…what did he do to you?” She hesitated for a few seconds before finally finding the right words.

“It really wasn’t as bad as Rosa made it seem. I just didn’t get any leniency with things and when incidents happened during rituals, I wound up bearing the brunt of his anger for some reason. But it was mostly the mind games he’d play. He liked holding my expulsion above my head constantly and forcing me to do things I usually wouldn’t do…”

“Like going to a club right before finals?”

“Yes, though _that_ particular night I wouldn’t take back. Even if I did make a few mistakes by overthinking stupid things…” She gritted her teeth as the memory of that mystery woman moaning Hamish’s name flashed through her mind.

“Stop it. We both made mistakes that night, but it was in the past. We’re together now and that’s what matters.” She flushed slightly but nodded and ran her thumb over his.

“Is he the reason you act like I don’t exist when we see each other on campus?” Vera heard the pain in his voice and brought his hand up to her lips with a gentle kiss.

“I don’t trust him not to hurt you to get to me. You have to understand Hamish, within the Order you don’t just say no to someone that’s a higher rank than you and he’s this chapter’s leader. So, me saying no to him was dangerous enough, but the fact that I said no to letting him fuck me is more dangerous in a way.

“That night we met at the club, before I pulled you out with me, he was coming over. He had picked up on my attraction towards you and the only thing I could read on his face was irritation and anger. I told _him_ no, but it was clear that I was going to tell _you_ yes and he didn’t like that…”

“I never understood why you kept begging me not to turn around. What about now? He may not know my name, but he knows what I look like. Do you think it’s safe?” Vera focused on Edward’s actions and reactions tonight and bit her lip.

“I _think_ so? At least from him anyways. That woman that I was healing, she’s a respected Adepti in the Order, basically another high ranking official. She transferred about two months ago and most of his attention has been on her and she seems really good for him. But the rest of the Order...” She cut off knowing he wasn’t going to like her next words.

“But you still don’t want to seen with me on campus…?” A pained gasp left her as she pulled herself up slightly so she could turn and see his face.

“I _want_ to Hamish, please don’t doubt that. I just want to keep you safe more than I want to publicly tell everyone that you’re mine, which I also want to do by the way.” She gave a small smile and leaned in to kiss him, letting out a small hum when he responded.

“I don’t trust anyone within the Order, not yet at least. I come from a very different background than most of them and they feel that because of that background of me being a poor scholarship kid that I shouldn’t have been allowed into the Order to begin with. Couple that with my ability to master incantations and move up in the ranks much faster, because I work harder than them mind you, they hate me even more.

“There are a few good people, like Sophia, but most are snakes and will take any opportunity to advance themselves. I have a, well I’m not exactly sure if I’d call her a friend per say, but we’re friendly to each other. Her name’s Elizabeth Kepler, everyone calls her Bitsy, and even her I worry about.

“It’s a viper pit and most of the members lack the humanity that keeps them from hurting others in their move to advance up the ranks. I _can’t_ lose you because someone wants to hurt me, tonight proved that.”

“If I _had_ died tonight…”

“ _Stop_.” She cut him off quickly as the image of him bleeding out flashed through her mind again. He brought her closer to him and guided her eyes up to meet his.

“Listen to me, Vera. If I had been killed tonight or anything happens to me in the future, I need you to know it wouldn’t be _your_ fault. You can’t blame yourself for the actions of others and distancing yourself from people to keep them safe is no way to live. I won’t push you to spend time with me on campus, I understand the threat, but continuing to run like you have been is just as obvious to anyone paying attention.

“We can cross paths on campus and keep our relationship a secret from others, just two students having a conversation in passing. We can also drive out of the college district for date nights, but I do want to see you outside of this little apartment, Vera. I love you and I want you to know that that love extends past just you and me. I want you to know that I love being seen out in public with you, not just when we’re alone.”

“Are you sure you can handle acting like there’s nothing going on between us on campus? Or if we’re out and I see someone from the Order and have to act like we don’t know each other? I would understand if…”

“Don’t even bother finishing that sentence Vera. Being with you is worth it all. I’m not giving up on what we have because it’s not safe or it might be a little difficult at times. I love you too much for that.” She sank back against him as she mulled over how to approach the last topic they were avoiding.

“Hamish…”

“Not yet; please. Let’s just enjoy the bath for a little while longer, okay?” Vera gave a sad sigh but pulled his other arm around her and let her eyes drift shut to enjoy the feeling of safety that came from his embrace.

* * *

“You can give them back to me afterwards, you know…” Vera tried when they were laying together on her bed. She felt him sigh before he brought his hand up to brush her wet hair behind her ear.

“Can’t you do the same for me?”

“Technically, yes, but if they ask if I ever plan to tell you about the Order or give you your memories back, it will trigger the glove.” She pulled herself closer to rest her forehead against his chest. “I need you to do this for us, Hamish…”

“I don’t feel right manipulating _any_ part of your memories. What if I mess up and something goes wrong? We’re talking about me messing with your _mind_ here, Vera. I’ve never done magic in my life, you have. It will be safer for you…”

“I _can’t_ Hamish. I can’t make you forget. If I wipe tonight from your mind, I can’t plan to fix it after. I have to plan to keep you in the dark forever. I can’t give you your memories or tell you about magic or the Order or the glove will reveal the truth and then we’ll both in danger. I can’t go back to the distrust and pain from before you knew, _please_.”

“Vera…” She pulled away from his chest at the reluctance in his voice and leaned forward to kiss him.

“I trust you, Hamish. I wouldn’t be asking you to do this if I didn’t, so trust me when I say it will be okay. I will walk you through everything and tell you exactly what to say. You won’t mess this up, I promise.” He was still hesitant but under her confident gaze, he nodded.

“Thank you.” She carefully snuggled back against his chest, not confident in her ability at the moment to heal her side with how tired she was and placed a soft kiss over his heart. “I love you.”

* * *

“Did you know the Marand sisters were going to attack?”

“No, I didn’t know until my boyfriend was almost murdered and he told me what he overheard. At that time, I immediately made my way back to the Temple to try to warn everyone. I arrived too late to save any of the other disciples.”

“Have you ever sided with the Marand sisters?”

“No.” Vera felt a small twinge, as if the glove couldn’t decide if she was lying or not, but it was so weak that nothing registered to the Adept questioning her.

“Do you plan to join the Marand sisters now that they have openly attacked the Order?”

“ _Never_! They slaughtered innocent kids in their attempt to take down the Order. That is something that I will never stand for.” She watched Sophia give her a bright smile and nod from her place behind the other Adepti.

“Did you wipe your boyfriend’s memory of all magic, knowledge of the Order and the events of last night?” Vera felt the tiny tremble of pain again as she nodded, but easily masked it and looked down in frustration.

“Yes, even though I _know_ he wouldn’t have said anything.” When she looked up, she saw concern on Sophia’s face as she looked towards Edward who was surprisingly displaying close to the same as he watched the Adepti that was questioning her. The man’s face showed mild frustration and Vera bowed her head again.

“My apologies. Yes, I wiped his memory of everything that happened.” Keeping her eyes hidden, she tried to analyze why the glove was reacting the way it was. She wasn’t lying. She _had_ wiped his memory last night and because of that decision, she’d had to lie to him, again, about why she had to postpone their plans. She remembered his frustration yesterday before he found out about the Order and was half expecting him to be gone for good by the time she got back to her apartment.

“Do you plan to restore his memory at any point or tell him about magic or the Order?” Horrified at herself when she felt her eyes watering, she quickly brought her hand up to wipe the tear away, disguising it by brushing her hair out of her eyes and met the Adepti’s gaze.

“No. I follow the rules of the Order and I understand that he can’t ever know. My loyalty to the Order comes first.” Again, a small tremor of pain that was easily masked shot through her before Edward started speaking.

“What did I tell you, Vinny? She’s got to be the _most_ devoted disciple we have. Not only did she erase her boyfriend’s memory with no intention of returning it, knowing it will likely lead to the end of their relationship. But in addition to that, she also leaves at the drop of a hat no matter what is happening, even in the middle of sex, the poor lad…”

 _“EDWARD!”_ Sophia snapping at Edward stopped Vera’s rage from pouring out of her, but not her mortification as both men started laughing. She quickly dropped her gaze back to her lap and clenched her hands together to hold herself in check as they continued laughing.

“That’s _enough_ , both of you! She clearly saved us last night and we’re treating her like a criminal when we should _all_ be thanking her. She saved our lives last night, Edward! Why are you mocking her?! Surely, you’ve learned enough to prove her loyalty to us, right Vincent?” Her tone left no room for argument and Vera felt the glove lift from her shoulder.

“You’re dismissed.” She gave a small nod with her head down and quickly left the reliquary, not bothering to look up as Bitsy walked by her for questioning. She wasn’t sure why but instead of making her way towards the bar for a much-needed shot, she found herself rushing back to her apartment.

* * *

“Hamish? Are you still here?” It was almost silent in the apartment and her heart sank. He’d left, just like she thought he would. Without looking up she undid her jacket and hug it on the rack before walking into her bedroom. He was sitting on her bed much like he had last night before she powdered him, and her face dropped.

“Are you okay?” Vera felt her eyes watering as she stepped in between his legs and wrapped her arms around him.

“Yeah, I just had a bad day, but you’re still here.” Him tensing under her grip had her pulling back to meet his concerned gaze.

“Are you in pain?” She cocked her head to the side in confusion and shook her head.

“Why would I be? What’s going on Hamish?” He was shifting slightly as he brought a hand up to trace under her eyes, his own focused on searching her face.

“Did anyone ask you about me, today?” Immediately she tried to claw her mask back into place but him smiling suddenly had it wiping away in confusion.

“Do we have the rest of the day to ourselves or are you expected somewhere else?” Her confusion grew and she tried to step away from him, but his hand that had caressed her cheek dropped to wrap around her waist.

“Look, I’m sorry I had to delay our plans, but it might happen occasionally. And I’m sorry, but like I said last night, I _can’t_ tell you…” His other hand lifting drew her attention and cut off the rest of her sentence before a cloud of white engulfed her and pulled her into unconsciousness.

* * *

Vera woke to Hamish’s arm around her as his fingers gently tunneled through her hair. The smile was already covering her face as she pushed herself up to meet his worried gaze.

“You did wonderful today, Hamish.” She praised while leaning forward to kiss him deeply. She was still smiling as she shifted until she was straddling him and pulled her shirt off.

“We got interrupted last night. Would you mind postponing our plans _just_ a little longer?” Hamish grinned up at her before sitting up claiming her lips in a hungry kiss. “Mmm, I didn’t think so.” Her laugh ended in a moan as he removed her bra and started peppering her neck with kisses.

She slowly started rocking her hips against him as he kissed her neck, before pulling his head away from her to meet her gaze. With a soft smile still tugging at her lips, she reached down to grasp the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head before leaning in to kiss him again.

Vera leaned forward, encouraging him to lie back, before she started a trail of kisses and gentle nips down his torso. When her fingers hooked into the waistband of his pants, she looked up to see his eyes blown wide with arousal and staring back at her. It felt as if the breath was sucked from her lungs by the intensity.

With a shake of her head to clear her mind, she gave a soft tug on his pants, silently asking him to lift his hips so she could remove them. Her gaze returned to his from her place standing before the bed and she gave a smirk before pulling her bottom lip between her teeth.

She watched his gaze zero in on her hand as she slowly trailed her fingers through her hair, down her neck and along her torso until she reached the side zipper of the skirt she was wearing. A thrill ran through her as his fingers twitched before tightening in the blanket to hold himself in check and she torturously lowered the zipper, letting the skirt pool around her feet.

His knuckles were white when her thumbs hooked into the sides of her underwear and she couldn’t stop herself from teasing him _just_ a bit. Just before she fully removed her underwear, she pulled it back up again, earning a growl from Hamish before he became a blur in front of her.

A screech, that she knew she would be mortified if it were in front of anyone else, broke from her lips and filled the room as his arm wrapped around her torso and pulled her off balance. In one fluid motion, he’d gotten a hold of her and thrown her back onto the bed beneath him. Her laughs were quickly drowned out by blissful moans.

Before he’d even made it halfway down her torso, her underwear was gone, and his hand had taken its place. She felt herself beginning to peak and tried to pull him up by his hair, but he fought the tug and looked up from his position between her legs and purred at the site of her flushed chest as it heaved.

A shuddering cry broke from her as her head was thrown back into the mattress and her hands clenched tighter in his hair. He slowed his pace, allowing her to come back down before starting a trail of open-mouthed kisses back towards her lips. She could tell he was trying to slow it down and take their time, but her hunger for him only increased.

She pulled him in closer to her before flipping them and guided his hands to her hips as she reached over into her bedside table and fished out a condom. She grinned wickedly at him when he jerked into her hands as she rolled it into place, but him pulling her firmly against him had her panting at the friction.

Vera lifted just enough to line herself up and sank down on him, pulling throaty moans from them both. With both hands on his chest to steady herself, she started rocking her hips without breaking eye contact. The second she started to falter, he was sitting in front of her, holding her close and guiding her movements as his mouth devoured her neck.

With a deep moan she let herself fall into oblivion, barely registering Hamish flipping them and following her over the edge. With heaving breaths, she pulled herself into his side and layered soft kisses along the parts of his chest that she could reach.

“I love you.” Her words were panted, but they brought a smile to her face still at the warm feeling she got from saying them. He pulled her fully on top of him and guided her head up so he could kiss her softly.

“I love you too, Vera.” With his fingers absently tracing nonsense into her back and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat below her ear, Vera felt herself drifting off feeling completely happy for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vera's plan worked, thank goodness! But it's really sad if you think about it, even back then she was adamant about not wanting to erase his memories.
> 
> I love both Vera's and Hamish's protectiveness and selflessness towards each other.
> 
> And can I just say, for a character I didn't intend to introduce, I'm really loving Sophia in this so far.
> 
> And FINALLY they get some uninterrupted time together.


	12. Mother's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't abandoned this one, no worries. But updates will likely be coming much slower (I won't let more than 10 days go between updates) as I have to focus on getting through horrible planning writer's block in the sequel to Claimed (I've been stuck for over a month.
> 
> With the title to this one, I shouldn't have to tell you it gets a bit rough, but I am still saying it. It ends on a happier note, but it's definitely a bit heavy.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Ten Years and Four Months ago, May – Mother’s Day

Vera opened her eyes only to close them immediately at the pain that lanced through her head. She knew it had to be close to midday by how much light was streaming in through her window right now. With a pained moan, she pulled her comforter over her head and turned away from the light.

It was only the desperate need to relieve herself after a night filled with drinking that had her slowly pushing herself out of the bed. She didn’t bother brushing her teeth when she was done. Just forcing herself to wash her hands and swish mouthwash was difficult enough.

Without thinking, she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and crawled back under the covers to block out the day. The blinking light signaling she had a message threw her for a loop. The color showed it wasn’t from the Order, but no one else ever messaged her _today_ of all days.

She knew it couldn’t be her mom, she had waited until midnight last night to start drinking. It was her routine every year. As soon as it hit midnight, she’d send the expected _‘Happy Mother’s Day’_ to her mom and open a bottle to get drunk.

Years back her mom had tried to question why the texts were coming so early, but the two didn’t really know how to talk to each other anymore, especially when it came to Ally. Ever since she’d told her parents she was pregnant and they insisted she give her child up for adoption, things had been strained. But after her dad passed away, right before she’d moved out and had Ally, things became almost nuclear between them.

Every time her mother would try to reach out, Vera would foolishly give her a chance only to have her mother criticize her parenting. She was always doing something wrong according to her. Every time it ended with Vera lashing out before storming out of the house.

Her mother had tried to force her to give her granddaughter up for adoption, and never really taken the time to even _try_ to get to know Ally since her birth. She didn’t deserve to comment on the way she was raising her child. All the pent-up anger and frustration had led to Vera having a meltdown at Ally’s funeral when her mother had the nerve to show up.

She had started screaming that she wasn’t welcome and how she wanted her to leave because she _finally_ got what she wanted. Ally out of their lives for good. Before she understood what had happened, she had found herself back in her childhood bedroom sobbing in her mother’s arms.

Even after that night, things stayed strained between them over the years, but they _were_ better. They would reach out on holiday’s and birthdays, but they didn’t _talk_. Her mother felt sorry that Vera had lost her daughter, but she never really bothered to form any connection with Ally.

That first Mother’s Day after Ally had passed, her mother reached out to wish her happy Mother’s Day for the first time, mostly because it was expected. Vera’s one word response of _‘Don’t.’_ was all she sent to her mother for an entire year.

She never apologized for disappearing and her mother never asked her to. They both knew her mother was in the wrong. It was two years after Vera reached out again, that her mom asked about the late messages. Vera’s only response was a brief; _‘You get midnight. Alexandra and I get the rest.’_

No response followed and Vera continued to numb her pain with alcohol every Mother’s Day. She knew it wasn’t healthy, never feeling or working through her emotions, but she didn’t know how else to get through a day that celebrated mothers when her baby wasn’t with her anymore.

The flashing light pulled her attention again and she fumbled to unlock the phone. Pain shot threw her head at the bright light and her eyes clenched tightly before slowly opening one back up to read the message.

_‘Happy Mother’s Day, my love. I didn’t have the opportunity to meet your daughter, but I know that with you as her mother, she must have been perfect. She loves you so much and would be so proud of you, Vera. Remember the happy memories with her and she’ll be right there beside you.’ – H_

It had taken her several minutes to get through the message as her tears grew thicker the longer she read. No one here knew about Ally, but her _‘friends’_ from back home never thought to reach out to her.

Everyone thought that with her daughter’s death, she either stopped being a mother or they were too uncomfortable to recognize her pain. Her thumb pressed the call button without thought and she held it against her ear as she curled in on herself.

 _“Hi Honey…Vera? What do you need?”_ A choked sob escaped as she curled further in on herself, her free hand clumsily coming up to wipe at her eyes and nose.

“Can you come over please?”

_“Of course, are you able to unlock the door for me?”_

“Magic lock. Just turn the handle.” She let the phone fall back to the bed and turned away from it, pulling the blanket further around her as she cried. A dip in the bed behind her came close to a minute later and despite knowing Hamish would be another ten minutes, at _least_ , she couldn’t bring herself to turn around and confront the danger.

She closed her eyes tighter against the sudden burst of light before she felt arms wrapping around her and pulling her backwards as they turned her. The second her head connected with his chest and his scent filled the space around her, the last thread of her composure left her, and she fully succumbed to her grief.

“I miss her so much.” He held her tight against his chest as his face burrowed into her hair to kiss her. His soothing motions on her back never stopping.

“I know sweetheart. I’m so sorry she was taken from you.”

“Was Rosa right about me?” She felt his arms tighten around her as he shook his head.

“You know she wasn’t. You love your daughter and I know she loves you too. Whatever happened was an accident…”

“I started sharing my yogurt with her a few weeks before she…It was supposed to be safe but…” She broke off as the memory flashed through her mind and her hand gripped his shirt tightly as she tried to force herself to breathe.

“She loved it so much, but our store was never fully stocked so the first few weeks we just had vanilla, blueberry and peach, but then strawberry was there one day. She would make the most adorable little faces and noises when she tried a new flavor. I was so excited for her to try this one and it was so clear that she loved it but…she started getting fussy and I didn’t…”

“You didn’t know, Vera.” His quiet words filled the darkness around them as she fought the pull to slip into her grief again, but her daughter’s smiling face turning pained wouldn’t leave her.

“I tried to save her. I begged the doctors to save her, but the hospital was so far and her heart…they couldn’t get it beating again. Why does a monster like Edward get to live but my daughter doesn’t?! She was a baby! She was innocent! She didn’t deserve to die!”

She didn’t register her voice rising or her hand repeatedly hitting Hamish’s chest as she _finally_ allowed herself to feel and let out her anger and grief over the unfairness of Ally’s death. He didn’t stop her, just pulled her in closer with tears in his eyes as she continued to scream at the world for taking her child from her until she passed out from exhaustion.

When she woke, she was still burrowed in his arms under the blanket. He was humming softly as his hand soothed over her back. The humming paused as she brought her hand that was tucked between them around his back and nuzzled her face into his neck.

“Don’t stop.” Her eyes drifted shut as his humming started up again and she just allowed herself to enjoy this stolen moment. For the first Mother’s Day since Ally was taken from her, she let memories from happier moments flow through her mind.

The first time Ally was placed in her arms at the hospital and those dark blue eyes looked up at her. Her first smile, the way her whole face would scrunch up whenever she sneezed and the little happy gurgle that always followed.

When she rolled over for the first time. Her happiness when Ally made those tiny adorable little grunts as she balanced on her hands and knees, rocking back and forth several times before finally inching her way forwards into her arms.

The way her little fist would clench in her shirt when she’d fall asleep and the little puffs of air against her neck. Her adorable little ‘piggy’ snoring noises as she slept. The first time Ally tried bananas.

A chuckle slipped from her lips as she focused on that image. Vera had smushed the banana up in a bowl with a little bit of milk and harmlessly set it on the food tray not thinking anything of it. Ally’s eyes widened at the first bite and her hands excitedly slapped the table as she opened her mouth for more.

She had been laughing too hard at the time to realize Ally was watching her hand as she scooped more banana. By the time she turned back, Ally’s hand had slapped into the mashed banana and eagerly tried to feed herself because her mom was clearly taking too long for her liking.

Vera tried to stop her, knowing it was going to wind up all over her face, but Ally’s other hand had already reached into the bowl and brought that hand up as well. Both mother and daughter had wound up covered in mashed banana, that Ally then tried to lean forward and eat.

“Her favorite food was bananas and milk. I learned after the first time she tried them to _never_ have a bowl of food within her reach. We were both covered in it, but when I wouldn’t let her eat it off of me and there wasn’t any left in the bowl, she got _really_ grumpy. I had to mash a whole new one up and feed her before she’d let me clean the mess, from either one of us.”

Vera felt and heard him chuckling at the memory as he continued to trail his hand along her back and bit her lip as she contemplated something. Was she ready to let someone in? When his quiet humming resumed, she found herself hesitantly speaking before she allowed herself to overthink the decision.

“I uh…I have a picture…if you’d like to see?” His arms tightened marginally before he took a breath.

“If you think you’re ready, I would love to see your daughter.” She hesitated only a moment before nodding and pulling out of his arms. Vera didn’t climb out from under the covers, she just shifted until she could reach under the bed and pull up a small shoebox.

When she sat back up, she blindly reached out for Hamish’s hand and pulled him up in front of her, blanket still draped around them blocking out the rest of the world. She took a deep breath before pulling the lid off and searching for her phone for light. Vera knew he caught on that she was struggling when his hand came to rest over hers.

“Only if you’re ready.” She flipped her hand over to grip his and squeezed gently.

“She existed, Hamish. I want to be able to talk about her and share these memories with the person I love. I _want_ you to know about her.” She took one last steadying breath and slipped her hand out of his to turn on her phone and angle it so they could see into the box.

The picture on top was a sixteen-year-old Vera, hair plastered to her face with sweat, with a look of pure love on her face as she looked down at her baby for the first time. She watched his hand start to reach forward to grab it before it tightened into a fist and he pulled his hand back.

“It’s okay.” She reached in and with a slightly shaking hand, she pulled the image out and handed it to him. His fingers hovered over the image for several seconds before trailing over it and she’s almost positive she saw tears in his eyes in the dim light.

“She looks just like you.” Vera let out a small watery chuckle as she nodded and started shuffling through the pictures before pulling out the image she was looking for and handing it to him. She was expecting his laugh and found herself shifting until she was leaning against his side looking at the image.

“Just as stubborn as her mother, I see.” It was the first, and last, time Vera had had professional photos done. Ally did _not_ like to sit still for strangers and throughout the entire shoot she had tried to remove all of her clothes as Vera fought to keep them on.

This image captured a moment between mother and daughter as they both glared at each other while fighting over keeping the dress shoe on. It didn’t necessarily show the best side of either of them, but this was one of Vera’s favorite pictures.

“We never did try to have our pictures taken by a stranger again. She was much happier to pose _and_ stay dressed when it was just us.” She tugged the box closer to her and dug around until she found the image she had originally wanted to show him and couldn’t stop her laughter joining with his.

Ally’s face was pure joy as she happily sucked on two of her fingers to get all the banana she could. She was oblivious to the fact that her short raven hair was half white and plastered to her head from the banana.

The mush on her face was definitely heavier than Vera’s, but neither one of them escaped unscathed. It was obvious Vera was _trying_ to look stern in the picture, but her eyes were smiling too brightly as she watched her daughter for anyone to actually believe it.

“You’re an amazing mother.” His words were filled with love as his fingers trailed over both banana covered images. She tucked herself further against him with a soft smile and brought her own hand up to gently trail over Ally’s image.

“She was so perfect. I wish you could have met her. She would have loved you.” Vera couldn’t bring herself to pull out any other images and was thankful that Hamish seemed to pick up on that as he carefully set the three photos back in the box and placed the lid back on top of it. He brought his arm around her back and started trailing his fingers along her upper arm.

“Would you let me make you dinner?” She offered a small nod and reached back to slowly drag the blanket off of them. When it was fully removed and the light surrounded them, she ducked her head so he wouldn’t be able to see her face.

His hand came up under her chin and tilted her head up so she could see his eyes. There wasn’t any judgement or pity showing in his gaze. Just love, pain and understanding.

“Thank you for sharing her with me.” She felt her eyes watering again as he held her gaze before he leaned in and kissed her. “I love you.” He whispered as he kissed her forehead and slowly pulled back to start making dinner.

When she finally pulled herself out of the bathroom, feeling more refreshed and lighter, she made her way into the kitchen. His back was to her as he finished cooking but her gaze was drawn to the objects on the table.

Her usually empty vase held a beautiful bouquet of white and pink lilies. Nestled in the very center of the bouquet was a single pale pink poppy. She knew they had to be from Hamish, but the small card propped up against the vase drew her attention.

There were only a few words in his writing, but they had her moving towards Hamish and hugging him from behind as her eyes watered. She felt a hand come up and lace through hers as she fought for control until she could read the card again.

1 Papaver Orientale - ‘Queen Alexandra’

White Lily – Pure, motherhood

Pink Lily – Love, devotion

_‘Alexandra may not be here with you,_

_But your love and devotion will surround her forever._

_Her mother will_ always _be with her.’_

“Thank you.” He didn’t say anything, just squeezed her hand before she walked back over to the table and smelled the flowers. There was a small velvet box right beside the vase and she looked over towards Hamish to see his eyes widen before snapping back to the pan in front of him.

With a small smile on her face, she reached out and opened the box to see two small gold bar earrings. Her finger trailed over the shiny metal when a thought from early struck her.

“How did you get here so fast? And when did you have time to get these?” She watched him bring a hand up behind his head, a sure sign he was embarrassed, before he turned to face her with a small flush.

“I may have already been waiting outside your apartment. I uh…I just wanted to be close by in case you needed anything…”

“For how long?” His flush grew darker at her shocked tone and his hand came up to rub over his face.

“Um…a few hours. But it’s not like I was just sitting there staring at the wall or being creepy. I was studying so it’s…” The rest of his rambling was cut off by her kissing him.

“This is the first Mother’s Day I’ve been able to pull myself out of bed. Today was the first time someone actually cared enough to check on me and let me break down without telling me that my pain will fade with time or that she’s back with god or worst of all, that everything happens for a reason. You helped me get a piece of her back today and I can’t thank you enough for that.”

“She’s your daughter, Vera. She’ll always be with you…”

“But you helped me see that on one of the worst days of the year for me, so thank you.” She knew he wasn’t going to respond, but she didn’t need him to. She stood on her tippy toes again to give him a slow passionate kiss before pulling back and gazing up at him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. I had this one paused right after Vera starts losing it since the night I posted the last chapter...even I needed to step away for a bit. I honestly wasn't sure if it was going to get darker or not, but thankfully my Muse couldn't handle it either so we got some serious growth instead.
> 
> The worst part about this chapter for me, is the knowledge that this memory was wiped from Vera. Meaning she doesn't remember working through it, or getting that piece of Ally back. Mother's Day goes right back to being one of the worst days of the year from her once it's taken.
> 
> The earrings are the one's Vera wears a bunch in the show, especially in season 1.


	13. An Investment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time ALMOST got away from me on this one 😬 I may have gotten just a little bit sidetracked planning a future story with WereKitte 😳 (will be coming sometime after Claimed and Lost Memories is finished most likely... And we're both so excited about it!).
> 
> I also think I will start focusing on bigger memories going forward, or more snapshots like chapter 1 to wrap this one up a bit quicker. Then I can add one shot tags to insert (will be dated and in order) when I have time...but uh...I did plan to do that with this chapter and my Muse told me to go fuck myself...so...I guess we'll see what happens. 🤷♀️

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Ten years, Three months ago – June

Vera walked into her apartment with her arms laden with groceries to see Hamish, who she hadn’t expected to be there, pacing back and forth nervously. The second he saw her, he moved towards her and silently helped unload the bags. His shoulders were tense as he helped put the groceries away and her own nerves started racing as the silence dragged on.

“Okay, seriously. _What_ is going on with you today?!” Her sudden words in the quiet apartment seemed to startle him and she watched as he almost dropped the carton of eggs before slowly sliding it into the fridge and turning to face her.

“Nothing.” He refused to meet her eyes as he frowned and a whole new wave of nervousness swept through her. Both cans of sauce she had been getting ready to put away were heavily set on the counter before she crossed her arms and raised a brow.

“Okay, it’s not _nothing_. I just…there’s this thing…I need to…can we sit and talk?” He walked by her without another word or glance in her direction until he was out of the kitchen and walking through the living room. He completely missed Vera’s face shifting from mild irritation to worry.

“Are you breaking up with me? Is that what this is?” She couldn’t move from her place in the kitchen as her nails dug into her upper arms. She thought things were fine between them, _more_ than fine. She was happy, _really_ happy!

The loud _thunk_ she heard from the living room just confirmed her suspicions. Without waiting for _him_ to confirm them, she quickly made her way towards her bedroom and shut the door. When it was shut, she couldn’t stop herself from sinking down against it.

Why does this _always_ happen when she finally allows herself to get comfortable and actually be happy with someone? It’s always right after she lets herself believe that someone else cares about her. She had thought he was different, but she was wrong. Again!

Was it because he got to see her more now that she wasn’t as busy because the semester had ended a few weeks ago? Had he realized he couldn’t actually handle her when she wasn’t drowning herself in her studies? Had he grown bored of her like everyone else usually did?

Hamish tried to open the door, but she had already locked it. “Vera, seriously?! Unlock the door and let me in.”

“ _No_!” She knew it was petty and childish, but if he couldn’t see her then maybe he would change his mind and give her another chance. His frustrated sigh told her it seemed to be having the opposite effect, however.

“You’re working yourself up over _nothing_ , again! I am _not_ breaking up with you, Vera. I never said I was! _You_ jumped to that assumption and took _me_ by surprise. Now, I would _like_ to have this discussion with you face to face, so open the door and talk to me.”

Both her eyes were wide with shock as a flush started working its across her face. She slowly pushed herself up off the floor and unlocked the door before pulling it open. Her eyes took in his unamused face as he pushed past her and couldn’t stop herself from cringing slightly before shutting the door and clearing her throat.

“Sorry…” She started only to be interrupted by Hamish whirling around to face her.

“How many times do I need to tell you that I’m _not_ going anywhere for you to actually believe me?”

“I do believe you! I just…well, it’s just I came home and wasn’t expecting you to be here…”

“You told me I didn’t have to call ahead anymore…” He seemed nervous now, like he thought he’d done something wrong and Vera sighed in frustration as her hand worked its way through her hair.

“No, that’s not what I meant. You being here when I got home _wasn’t_ the issue. You were clearly nervous and then you couldn’t meet my eyes. And then I confront you about it and you tell me we need to talk?! Hamish, that only means _one_ thing when you’re in a relationship! It’s how the breakup conversation _always_ starts! _Especially_ when the person saying we need to talk is acting weird like you were!”

“It _meant_ that I need to talk to you! That’s it! I needed your opinion on something but didn’t know how you’d react, so I was nervous!”

“Oh.” She swallowed heavily and looked towards the ground before moving towards the bed and sitting beside him. “I’m sorry.” Vera hesitantly threaded her fingers through his, thinking he was going to shrug her off but his hand tightened as his thumb stroked over the back of hers.

“I wanted to ask if you’d come with me to look at something and give me your honest opinion. I just…I know that the subject of money and trust funds bother you, so I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Vera could hear the nervousness leaking into his voice and brought her free hand up to cover his arm with a gentle squeeze. It was true, they rarely discussed money. After he insisted on always paying for things early on in their relationship, she had finally reached a tipping point one evening and went off on him about how she was perfectly capable of supporting herself and she didn’t need him acting like she couldn’t.

She had apologized the next day, but ever since then, he had waited to see what she would do when they went out. It was one of the few topics between them that was still tiptoed around. Whether she liked it or not, she still felt like an outsider around all the trust fund students at Belgrave and Hamish _was_ one of them.

“There’s a difference between you and everyone else, Hamish. You don’t look down on me for not coming from money and I know you aren’t trying to pity me or rub it in my face by paying for dinner. This is something I know I need to work on, and I _am_ trying, I promise.

“But Hamish, if there’s ever something you want to talk to me about or want my opinion on, you don’t need to be nervous about talking to me about it. I _never_ want you to ever feel like you can’t talk to me about something. If you want to invest in something, it’s your money. You don’t need _my_ blessing to do anything with it, but the fact that you _want_ my opinion means a lot. I would love to go with you.”

He looked down at her with a nervous smile before grinning and starting to tell her all about this gorgeous apartment complex in downtown Norwich as they started heading out. She couldn’t stop smiling the entire drive there with how excited he was.

The outside of the building alone was breathtaking, and she knew that had it not already been filled with renters, it easily could be. She didn’t need to see the ‘penthouse’ apartment, as he called it, to know this would be a sound investment but she fell in love with it as soon as the door opened.

It was the only vacant apartment in the building as the seller lived in it up until a month ago. Vera wandered around, trying to keep herself from getting too attached, because in the end it was his decision if he bought it or not. She nodded at features and rooms he pointed out before she distractedly walked out onto the balcony in the middle of him explaining the type of trim.

She’d been leaning against the railing of the balcony looking out at the beautiful view below for several minutes when she felt him step up behind her and wrap his arms around her waist. His gentle kiss against her neck pulled a quiet hum from her as she grabbed his hand.

“What do you think?”

Vera took a deep breath to keep her voice level so it wouldn’t impact his decision and told him how it would be a good, reliable source of income and a ‘smart purchase’. His heavy sigh and subtle drop of his shoulders behind her surprised her.

“But what do you think about the _apartment_ itself?” He turned her in his arms so he could look down at her but gave nothing away as to what he was hoping she’d respond with.

“If you decide to buy it, then I’m sure whoever you decided to rent it to would love it…”

“If I buy the building, I was planning to move into it myself.”

Her head dipped suddenly with a heavy swallow. It was a bit further than she’d like, but she did have a car. What was a forty five minute drive really? Just because he was only a ten minute _walk_ from her now didn’t mean they’d see each other any less often. Right?

She knew that was a lie, when the new year picked up, she’d have even less time, and an hour and a half commute would seriously impact their time together. She wouldn’t be able to drop by quick and have lunch anymore that’s for sure. And she’d need at _least_ and hour in a half of free time just for driving.

“Oh.”

“ _So_?” He pressed as he grabbed both of her hands and squeezed gently. Right, he wanted her opinion. 

“It’s beautiful…”

“You like it?” He was excited and pressing her for a straightforward response, but she felt herself getting annoyed with him. Didn’t he understand how much time they would lose together if he moved here?! Her annoyed and selfish response, when he was _so_ happy, only annoyed her even more.

“I just said it’s beautiful, didn’t I? So obviously I like it…” Her words held more bite than she intended and both eyes closed in irritation as she lifted a hand to sift through her hair while she took a calming breath.

“Enough to move in with me?” It was as if ice water had been injected into her veins with those words. She stayed frozen, hand falling limply to her side, waiting for him to take them back or realize she’d just imagined him asking her. There was no way he was _actually_ asking her to move in with him, right?

“Or not? It’s too soon, right? _Fuck!_ I’m sorry, can we just forget what I said. I didn’t mean to push. I’m happy to wait until you’re ready…I mean, if you even _want_ to move in together in the future. We don’t have to. I didn’t mean we _had_ to move in together in the future. _Dammit!_ I’m making this worse. I just meant…”

“You want to move in together? To actually _live_ with me, full time? Really?” Vera felt his hand drop hers and took a shaky breath with eyes still closed as she waited for him to laugh at her. Instead, she felt his hands cup the sides of her face before he leaned in and kissed her.

“I would _love_ to live with you if you think you’re ready. I just don’t want to pressure you into this…”

“I sleep better when you stay over.” _That_ wasn’t something she meant to say out loud, despite the fact that they both knew it already. She still had nightmares on occasion when he stayed, but they were more mild and easier to manage when she would wake up and be able to see him alive and well.

They were so much worse and more vivid when he wasn’t beside her. And the fear rose with her knees drawn to her chest as she waited for him to come over in the middle of the night after she called him. Ever since Rosa’s attack, her nightmares were focused on him and nothing would allow her to fall back to sleep until she was sure he was still alive.

“I know sweetheart. I sleep better when we’re together too. I’m also much happier when I come over after a stressful day or wake up beside you and you’re the first thing I see. So yes, I would love to move into _our_ apartment together _if_ you think you’re ready. If not, I will wait to move in until you are. It’ll be a few weeks until everything is finalized paperwork wise anyways, but I don’t mind waiting…”

“Yes.” Vera cut him off with a smile that only grew larger when he looked down at her with a hopeful grin of his own. She nodded again as a laugh escaped and pulled him down into a searing kiss.

The paperwork with his offer was signed and submitted, with a significant deposit to show he was serious, within an hour. When she woke up the next morning to him kissing along her bare back, she could almost feel him vibrating beside her with excitement.

“They accepted the offer. It’s ours, love. We should be able to move in early next month.” She was instantly wide awake and rolling onto her back to kiss him with a wide grin.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe we’re moving in together! I love you.” Her excited laughter as she returned his kisses was infectious and soon pulled his own happy laughter from him.

“I know. We better start packing…”

“Later.” Vera grinned before rolling him beneath her and leaning in to start kissing her way down his neck.

“Later works for me, god I love you.” He whispered in awe with his hand fisted in her hair before kissing her thoroughly and rolling her beneath him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Young and in love Vermish is just too adorable. 🥰  
> Too bad it won't last 😭


	14. Planning A Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have one more happy chapter, this one, and part of the next one before it gets sad 😭 you've been warned. 🤧🤧

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

**Ten Years, 2 Months Ago – July**

“You sure took your time getting here.” Edward scolded the second Vera rushed through the Reliquary doors.

“Sorry Magus, the commute is a little longer than I was expecting. I’m still trying to adjust to the traffic…”

“Doesn’t matter. I called you here because there’s going to be some changes in the coming year. Sophia tells me the Grand Magus plans to retire at the end of the school year and after the whole Marand disaster, I’m being considered for the position.”

“Congratulations Magus, you deserve it.” Vera lied through her teeth while plastering on a fake smile. He may have helped subdue them, but she still believed that if it weren’t for him, there wouldn’t have been a slaughter that night. He looked up at her with a grin and nodded smugly, causing a roll of nausea to sweep through her.

“I’d like to have you fill my position here as Temple Magus and Chancellor, but it’s going to be a lot of work to convince Council you can handle it.”

“What? But I don’t even have my doctorate yet. Why me?”

“You will by the end of the year, we all know that. You’re the most focused disciple we have. As to why you, it’s simple. You saved my child the night Rosa attacked. If you hadn’t started healing Sophia when you did, we would have lost them without even knowing we were expecting.”

“Sophia’s pregnant?” Vera’s hands clenched briefly at the image of her daughter. At least she was able to save someone _else’s_ child. She focused on Hamish’s reassuring words and felt the suffocating grip ease on her chest.

“We just found out last week. She’s been so stressed with everything that followed, she completely missed it. But our doctor confirmed it, she was pregnant while the attack happened. We’re keeping it quiet for now, but we both want you in this post. Are you interested?”

“Absolutely!” It wasn’t even a question to her. Being the Chancellor _and_ Temple Magus would finally allow her to be able to help people. At the very least, the students within _her_ Temple would be safe from him.

“It’ll be hard work, Vera. You’ll be juggling your schoolwork, normal Order duties and one on one lessons at least three times a week. We’re going to have to shove _years_ of knowledge and experience at you for you to be considered. You might have to make a choice between Temple Magus and your precious boyfriend…”

“No, I won’t. He’ll be the one cheering me on the loudest and making sure I don’t give up…”

“For a job you can’t tell him about?” Edward’s brow raised suspiciously, but Vera just nodded her head and smiled.

“Even then, yes. But I was planning to tell him the Chancellor position might be available and that I want to try for it. Would that be alright?” She scolded herself internally for almost slipping up, but Edward seemed to buy it and eventually nodded.

“Very well, we’ll start your lessons next week. That will be all.”

* * *

**Nine Years, Ten Months Ago – November**

Vera was laying on their bed with her butt between their pillows and her legs up in the air, crossed together at the ankles as they rested against the headboard. Both feet were tapping to the quiet music playing in the room as she brought another carrot up to bite into while reading through her notes.

She was beyond exhausted but had an exam in the morning and needed to finish reviewing her notes. The reason for the bizarre position was due to a spell gone wrong while training. She had healed what she could from slamming into the pillar. But the muscle was still spasming painfully in certain positions.

“Vera? What is this?” Hamish’s quiet frightened voice in the now quiet room pulled her attention from her book, carrot still between her teeth. He was holding what looked like a small piece of paper, but she couldn’t make out more than that.

“A piece of paper? A note? I don’t know, what does it say?” She was only half listening as she bit into the carrot and looked at her notes from the corner of her eye distractedly.

“Carrots, broccoli, chicken breast, milk, eggs, gummy bears…”

Her eyes grew wide as the carrot fell from her hand and she jerked herself sideways, wincing as her back twinged in pain. Vera snatched the paper out of his hand before he could finish reading what she now knew was the shopping list from last week.

“It’s nothing.” She couldn’t bring herself to look into his eyes as she crumbled the piece of paper tight into one hand. “I promise, it’s nothing.”

“But it said pregnancy test and you…Vera, you’re late. Like _really_ late…” His words were coming faster as his voice shook. Both her eyes clenched shut briefly as she tried to take a calming breath.

“Four weeks isn’t _really_ late…” He turned incredulous eyes on her causing her to cringe before her hand came up to work its way through her hair. She could feel her panic rising as memories from when she was sixteen played over in her mind. She kept trying to remind herself that Hamish _wasn’t_ Richard. He wouldn’t do that to her. But still doubt whispered in her mind.

“They all came back negative, okay? It’s _just_ stress from everything going on right now. There’s nothing to worry about, okay? I’m not pregnant, nothing has changed, nothing _needs_ to change between us. It’s just us…”

“What are you doing?”

“What?” Her eyes opened to try to see if she was doing something that would trigger his anger, but she was just standing there talking. His face told her how upset he was though, and she felt dread settling deep within her. “There’s nothing to be mad about. They were _negative_ , I swear!”

“I _knew_ it!” He growled with clenched fists before turning to start walking out of the bedroom.

“Please don’t leave me. Even the blood test confirmed it, I’m not pregnant. I promise…”

“Do you _really_ think that it would bother me if you were?! That I would leave you if you were carrying our child?! I know that happened to you in your past, but I had _thought_ that by now that you would know that I’m not _him_! That my commitment to you wouldn’t stop because we might have a kid.” She saw real pain in his eyes behind the anger as he rubbed a hand over his face while taking deep breaths.

“Do I think that now is the best time to have kids? Of course not! You’re in your busiest year ever and I still have to start law school after I graduate this year. Does that mean I would walk away from you, the woman that I _love_ , because you were pregnant with _our_ child? _Never_ in a million years!”

“I’m sorry...I…I know that. I just…I…”

“You don’t believe it. You believe that if those tests had come back positive, that I would be gone right now. That you’d be alone again because despite what we have, you can’t stop comparing me to your asshole ex…”

 _“No!_ That’s not true!”

“Vera, _seriously_ , don’t try to deny it right now. Your reaction just now proved it.” She heard his phone alarm going off and looked back at him with tear filled eyes as he scrubbed a hand over his face in defeat.

“I have to go or I’m going to miss my exam. We can talk this evening if you want.” He refused to look up at her as he walked into their closet and pulled out a sweater before heading for the bedroom door.

“Hamish, I…I didn’t mean…I’m sorry…” Vera watched his hand tighten on the door as his shoulders dropped in defeat.

“Just so you know, Vera. If you _were_ pregnant, even with the horrible timing, I would have been _happy_.” By the time Vera found her voice, he had already left the apartment. She sank down onto the floor, her back screaming at her, and uncrumpled the grocery list.

She had been so careful to not leave any of the tests or packaging laying around, but she’d missed the shopping list. And now, because of her insecurities of her past, he was hurting. His words played on repeat over the next five hours, _‘I would have been happy.’_

Vera had tidied the entire apartment, not that there was much to tidy, and even had dinner warming in the oven as she tried not to focus on what could be going through his mind right now. She was sitting cross legged on the couch, thumbnail between her teeth as she stared straight ahead for more than an hour before the door swung open.

“I’m sorry. I should _never_ have left like I did…”

“It’s fine, you had an exam…” Even to her own ears her voice was wrong, distant and muffled. She tried to break her gaze from the wall to look at him, but she couldn’t. One of his hands pulled her nail from between her teeth while the other lifted her chin until she met his worried gaze.

“How long have you been sitting here staring at the wall?”

“Why do I keep ruining things?” It took Vera several seconds of watching Hamish’s pain filled eyes to recognize the choked sob as hers.

“You didn’t ruin _anything_ , Vera. I was hurt and I lashed out unfairly. I should never have reacted the way I did knowing about what you went through. I know it’s a struggle for you and that you work on it every day and I should have been able to understand that you didn’t doubt _me,_ you just had doubts about everything repeating itself.”

He pulled her closer against his chest as she clung to him, his hand working over her back in soothing circles. “I will continue to show you every day how much I love you and that you don’t have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with me. There is _nothing_ in this world that will ever make me want to leave you, okay?”

“Even me?” She heard his broken sigh following her shaky question as he buried his face against her neck.

“The only thing you could _ever_ do to get rid of me, is if you left or you flat out told me you wanted me to leave. Otherwise, I’m going to be right beside you no matter what life throws at us...”

“I love you so much.”

* * *

**Nine Years, Nine Months Ago – December**

“Are your eyes closed? Keep them closed mister.” Vera asked as one hand wrapped around him from behind to cover his eyes. She had never been nervous about giving presents before now, but she’d also never gifted something like this to someone before. Vera forced herself to breathe before setting the present on his lap and removing her hand so she could move towards the other side of the couch.

“Okay, you can open them.” Nope, she couldn’t handle it. The second his eyes opened, both hands came up to cover her face and hide the blush. “I just saw the yarn and knew the color would complement your eyes, but you don’t have to wear them…”

“You made this? All of it? I didn’t know you could knit!” She peaked through her fingers to see the silver and blue scarf and hat were already on him as he worked to get the mittens on. He wasn’t looking at her in his excitement to get them on and she found her hands dropping away from her face as a small smile tugged at the corner of her lips.

“You almost caught me several times, actually. Honestly, do you really think I just sit in bed doing _nothing_? I didn’t even have a book out.” Her laughter filled the room as she leaned forward and adjusted the hat until his hair wasn’t sticking up.

“You’re adorable and _very_ handsome might I add.” If it weren’t for his dopey smile, she would’ve just said handsome, but with it he was just too cute.

“I love them. Thank you, sweetheart.”

“I’m glad, happy birthday honey.”

* * *

**Nine Years, Seven Months Ago – February 14th**

“Can I open my eyes yet?” Vera asked for what must have been the twentieth time since Hamish guided her into the car. Her voice was both winey and amused, as each time she asked he would give a small huff of annoyance.

“No! It’s a surprise!”

“But I _hate_ surprises…”

“We’re almost there…”

“But where is _there_?” She quickly turned her face towards the window as a grin broke out at his adorable growl of frustration.

“I am _never_ planning a surprise for you again. I hope you know that.” He pouted as he put the car in park and turned towards her.

“You surprise me every day.” Vera smiled at the words until nothing followed the silence and she thought back on the conversation before she started laughing. “Okay, I meant that you surprise me every day in a good way, not that I hate your surprises. Just so we’re both clear...”

Before she could finish explaining the logic behind her thought process or bring herself to stop laughing, she felt him kissing her. Both hands raised towards the back of his head and pulled him in closer to her with a happy sigh. She heard his door shut before he carefully guided her out of the car and into a walk beside him.

“You can open them now.” He whispered against her ear. She heard him laughing beside her as it took her a few seconds to actually be able to open them before looking out at the view before her.

“It’s beautiful!” He had guided her into a secluded field that was only lit by a half dozen torches in a circle around them.

Set up in the middle of the ring of torches right before them was several layers of blankets and pillows. Hamish encouraged her to sit beside him and immediately poured her a glass of wine before pulling out several desserts from the picnic basket.

“I know how much you love the stars, I thought after we eat, we could spend the night under them. But only if you want to, we don’t have to stay…” Even in the dim light, she could see his face was grower redder the longer she remained quiet.

“I love it Hamish, really.” Vera carefully set her class down next to the blankets before moving towards him and kissing him. “This is already the best anniversary ever. I love you.”

* * *

**Nine Years, Four Months Ago – May**

Vera pulled herself closer to Hamish until she was laying with her head on his chest as they both attempted to catch their breaths. Her fingers started absently drawing circles against his side as she turned her head so she could kiss his shoulder.

“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” She asked suddenly and turned further until she was looking up at him with her chin resting on his chest. Vera felt his finger’s motions along her back falter slightly before he took a deep breath and met her gaze.

“Do you actually want to know?” They had hinted around their future together, but nothing straightforward. She ducked her head to kiss above his heart before looking back up at him with a smile and nodded.

“Well, as long as I graduate next month…”

“You will.” She interrupted with a confident smile that had him leaning forward to kiss her.

“Then the plan is to finish law school and get a job close to Belgrave since you’ll be Chancellor…”

“We don’t know that yet…”

“You’re going to get it, Vera. You’ve been working your ass off for almost a year now. They’d be crazy to go with anyone else.” His unwavering support is what had gotten her through the first several months of grueling training and balancing her school workload. He would stay up with her as late as necessary to ensure her schoolwork was finished or she was prepared enough for an exam.

“I hope you’re right. If nothing else, I’ll be able to keep the students at this Chapter safe from the Order’s corruption.” Silence followed her words as she waited for him to continue. When nothing else came, she felt herself deflating somewhat despite him clearly imaging her in his future.

“What about you? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Besides being Chancellor and Temple Magus I mean.” His expected question still caught her off guard and she found her arms tightening around him as she buried her face against his chest. “Vera?” He prodded gently when she stayed silent.

“I love our apartment, please don’t doubt that. But…in the future I want a real home that’s _just_ for my family. No neighbors sharing a wall or below us. A big, but private, yard where we don’t have to worry about neighbors using it. Maybe a dog or two.” She could feel her heartrate accelerating and tried to slow her breathing as she felt him tense beneath her.

“Family? As in…?” Hamish prodded beneath her, causing her to take a deep breath and release it shakily with clenched eyes.

“As in a _real_ family. When I think about the future, I have this crystal-clear image that plays on repeat. There’s this house with _huge_ glass windows and I’m sitting in your arms on a blanket in our backyard as we…” She felt his arms tighten around her as her words died in her throat.

“As we, _what_? _Please_ don’t close up on me right now, Vera. What do you see when you think about our future?”

“I…I see myself reaching for a glass of water with my right hand because my left is being held by yours as they both rest against my stomach. We’re both smiling as we watch our two year old son clumsily chasing after two small dogs with excited laughter that _fills_ the yard. I hear you whispering in my ear about how excited you are to meet our daughter next month and how much her mommy and daddy already love her…”

“You see kids in your future?” His voice was quiet as he tried to strangle the hope, but she still heard it. Vera carefully pushed herself up to look down at him with a soft nervous smile and shook her head.

“No, Hamish. I only see kids in _our_ future…if that’s still something you want…”

“Yes, more than anything, yes. I want that future with you. _Everything_ about it.” A happy tear slipped from his eyes, so she brought her thumb up to chase it away.

“Once you finish your degree, we can start trying. But we can start looking for houses whenever you want. And if we find ourselves unexpectedly having kids before you finish, well, honestly? I’ll probably still be just as happy as if they were planned. I love you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so happy but so sad that they both forgot all of it for so long 😭🤧


	15. Broken Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts really happy but...definitely have tissues with you while reading this one...I may have broken myself a bit with it...I'm sorry...but I did post 'Magic Forest Baby' tonight to help...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

**Nine Years, Three Months Ago – June**

“Congratulations, my love.” Hamish whispered behind Vera after the last person in her graduating class received their diploma and the organized ceremony became a mass of family and friends congratulating the graduates.

Vera spun at his voice in confusion before her gaze landed on him and with a wide smile, she launched herself in his arms excitedly. He spun her around as she kissed him before pulling back with a laugh.

“Thank you, but _what_ are you doing here?! You’re going to miss your own graduation. Let’s go!” She grabbed his hand with one of hers while the other held her cap on as they both ran through the crowd of people towards the designated section for the pre-law graduation ceremony.

Both were out of breath from running and laughing, but he _just_ barely managed to run up onto stage after his name was called. When the last person received their diploma and tossed their cap into the air, encouraging all the others to do the same, she started making her way towards him, careful to dodge all the friends and family.

She lost sight of him as a particularly rambunctious family greeted their son right in front of her, causing her to let out a scowl before two arms wrapped around her tightly. She turned just as he dipped her low and kissed her deeply, both ignoring the wolf whistles.

“You want to get out of here?” Vera grinned up at him and nodded before they both ran through the crowd, not caring about their lost caps in their desire to celebrate together.

* * *

**Nine Years, One Month Ago – August**

“I still can’t believe we’re _engaged_! And the ring is beautiful, did you already have it when we talked about our futures?” Vera asked as they both relaxed in the bath.

She was holding her left hand out of the water looking at the ring as Hamish peppered her neck with kisses. She felt him shift behind her to rest his chin on her right shoulder as his hand came up to cup hers and trailed his thumb gently along the ring.

“It was my grandmother’s ring. I never thought I would find someone to give _this_ ring to, but I’ve known since we first met that if I were to marry you, and that was the plan from the very beginning, that this would be yours. No other ring would ever be enough for you…”

“Why is that?” She brought her hand closer as her other hand came out of the water to trace along the band. She had loved it before, but now knowing that it used to be his grandmothers, she treasured it even more.

“She used to tell me stories about how my grandfather had it made special for her. You see, his family didn’t approve of her and refused to acknowledge she existed. No jeweler would let him buy a ring without notifying his father and they didn’t want to risk losing favor with him.

“He refused to live his life without her so he found this young kid, fresh out of an apprenticeship and bought everything the kid would need to make a ring. The kid jumped at the money and experience offered and crafted something unique to what was common at the time because he was given free rein to design something special.

“My grandfather fell in love with it and married by grandmother the next day. As a divorce would have been way more scandalous than their son marrying a woman of a different social class, his parents acted as if the whole thing had been planned from the beginning and welcomed her with open arms. They actually really did love my grandmother once they got to know her, but it wouldn’t have been possible without this ring.”

“And you want to give it to me? Hamish, this is a family heirloom…”

“Without a doubt. My devotion to you is equivalent to what his was for her. And you’re right, this is a family heirloom. It will be passed down through _our_ family.

“This has been your ring since the day I met you and nothing will ever change that.”

* * *

**Eight Years, Eleven Months Ago – October**

“Come _on_ Bitsy, it will only be a few days…”

“Why do _I_ have to watch the Temple just so you can take a vacation with your _fiancé_. God, I still can’t believe you’re _actually_ engaged…”

Vera let out a growl of frustration as she continued packing. “We’re getting married, deal with it already. And it’s _not_ a vacation Bitsy, my mom died…”

“What? Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought you were celebrating your engagement…Okay, so Edward said a Council member can take over for you and what? You think _I’m_ the best one for the job?”

“I do actually. Edward and Sophia are stuck at the Brazilian Chapter till next week, and after her, I really only trust you to not ruin things here.” She offered a small grin up at Bitsy who rolled her eyes and waved her hand.

“Fine. But I want something in return. When you get back, let’s hit up that new strip club…”

“I’m _engaged_ , Bitsy. I have no interest in going to a strip club…”

“You’ve gotten so _boring_ since you met him, and it’s only gotten worse since you got engaged. We used to drink all the time…”

Vera cocked her head in confusion as she eyed Bitsy. “Do you actually remember me _ever_ wanting to go to clubs with you? I’m a homebody Bitsy. You want to drink, let’s get some wine or liquor and spend the evening at one of our houses, just us. It’s the going out that I’m not a fan of.”

“So, if I invited you over to drink, you’d come?” She was eyeing her suspiciously, but Vera just let out a chuckle.

“Not all the time or at the drop of a hat, but occasionally, of course I would. Just give me a few days’ notice to make sure I have time. I’ll even bring the alcohol...”

“And what about doing this at your place?”

Vera tensed briefly but nodded her head. “Like I said, just give me a few days’ notice to make arrangements…”

“Are you ever going to introduce us?”

“When we get married, I expect you to be my maid of honor. Just…give us a bit more time to get everything situated with my mom’s funeral and to inform his parents over Christmas, okay? We’ll have you over for dinner, I promise.” Her and Hamish had talked about it at length. Vera was still nervous to introduce him to the Order, but they were getting married and she had made a comment about wanting to take his last name.

They had finally come to the agreement that after he took her to meet his parents and told them about their engagement over Christmas break, they would let the others know. It had also been a long discussion about _who_ Vera would have standing up on her side for the wedding.

The only person she was remotely close to was Bitsy. With the wedding being planned for late summer of next year, they really did have to start telling people soon. When she grabbed the last piece of paperwork she’d need, she looked up to see a _real_ smile on Bitsy’s face.

“I’m honored. I’ll take care of things here. And sorry again, about your mom. I know you two weren’t close, but still.”

Vera forced herself to give a small smile as she nodded and started heading out of the building. Hamish had tried to help her with her guilt over not feeling anything since the hospital called, but Bitsy bringing attention to the fact that she wasn’t close, made it worse.

She should _feel_ something with her mother’s death, right?

* * *

Vera stayed standing in front of her mother’s coffin, unable to move long after the last person had left. She had been fine throughout the whole funeral which disturbed her. Her mom was dead, and she didn’t feel anything. Why? She had asked Hamish to give her a few minutes alone, but his gaze was almost burning a hole into her back.

“It’s good to see you, Vera, despite the circumstances of course. And you _look_ incredible.” Vera froze at the familiar voice off to her left and slowly turned to see a tall man with jet black hair leaning against a tree with his hands in his pockets.

She couldn’t stop her eyes from slowly trailing down his form. A flush blossomed across her cheeks when her gaze landed on his knowing smirk. “What are you doing here, Richard? You never liked my mother…”

“From what I heard about your little meltdown years ago; you didn’t like her much back then either. But it’s been years, Vee. Things changed since Alexandra’s…”

“Don’t you _dare_ say her name! You abandoned us!” Vera snapped with arms crossed and fists clenched. Movement out of the corner of her eye told her Hamish had read her body language and was coming closer.

“I messed up back then, Vee. I never should have treated you like that and leaving you like I did was horrible, but I’ve changed. I regret what happened between us. Maybe if you’re going to be in town for a few days, we could catch up and try to give things another shot…do you _mind_?! Can’t you see we’re talking here?!” Richard cut off with annoyance as Hamish cleared his throat.

Vera watched as Richard turned to glare at Hamish who was standing a few paces away from her and sending his own dark glare towards the taller man. She didn’t think she’d ever seen Hamish more furious than he was in that moment and took a step closer to him as her hand reached out.

“I can see that you’re talking _at_ her, not with her. And if you had taken the time to get to know her, you would have known that too…” Hamish growled out with his fists clenched. The second her hand touched his however, it loosened and wrapped comfortingly around hers.

“Get to know her? Get to _know_ her?! I’ve probably known her since before you were even _born_! We grew up together, even had a child together…”

“ _She_ had Ally!” Hamish’s arms were shaking with his anger, but still his grip on her hand remained gentle. He took a step forward, so he was in front of her, as he heard the pained gasp at Richard’s words. He was effectively blocking her from his view now.

“You _knew_ her? Is that what you’re trying to tell me right now? _Really?!_ You knew her since she was a child, and you want to tell me you cared about her? Then explain to me why you pressured her into sleeping with you when she wasn’t ready? Why you cheated on her the _entire_ time you were together? How about you explain why you abandoned her and _her_ baby the _second_ you found out she was pregnant?”

Vera quickly stepped around Hamish and turned her back on Richard as her left hand lifted and laid flat against Hamish’s chest. She heard Richard talking behind her, but his words were garbled as she pulled Hamish’s gaze to her and smiled.

“I’m okay, Hamish, really…”

“Who _is_ this guy, Vee? And why are you letting him speak for you? You used to be able to handle your own battles…”

Vera brought her hand up higher to cup the side of Hamish’s face and guide his furious gaze away from Richard and back towards her. Her smile never leaving her face as her thumb stroked over his cheek to calm him.

“He’s my fiancé and _he_ understands me. This isn’t a battle between you and me, Richard. This is a sad attempt from a boy stuck in high school trying to guilt his ex into sleeping with him…”

“Your look when you saw me _shows_ you’re still interested in me…”

“I’ll admit, you look good.” She gave a quick look over her shoulder with a shrug of her shoulders before looking back towards Hamish with a smile. “But there’s _no_ competition, physically or emotionally, between you and him. Even if I didn’t love him with everything that I had, I would choose him over you _every_ single time.”

Without waiting to see if Richard had a response she stood on her tippy toes while guiding Hamish’s head down so she could kiss him. “Thank you for standing up for me even though you knew I didn’t need you too.”

He smiled down at her and brought a hand up to wipe away tears she hadn’t even known she had shed. When she met his gaze in confusion, she watched him nod in understanding before pulling her closer.

“ _Let_ yourself miss her, sweetheart. You’re so focused on what happened the last time you were standing here you won’t let yourself feel. But remember what happened _after_. Remember your mother holding you all night as you grieved for your daughter.

“Your mother may not have grown to love your daughter, but she did love you in her own way, it just wasn’t enough. But it is still _okay_ to let yourself miss her. You won’t be betraying Ally if you allow yourself to grieve for your mother.”

With his final words of understanding, she felt the pain over her mother’s death wash over her and released a choked cry. He stayed standing, holding her tightly for over an hour as she grieved for the relationship she’d had with her mom as a child and the distance they had allowed to form between them after Ally’s conception.

When it started raining, he made no effort to pull away from her. He just shrugged his suit jacket off of his shoulders and brought it up, so it was draped over her shoulders before wrapping his arms around her again.

* * *

**Eight Years, Nine Months Ago – December**

_“Good morning, I’m looking for Ms. Stone?”_

“This is her.” Vera answered breathily. She had just barely gotten to the phone before it stopped ringing. She wiped her hands off on her apron with the phone held between shoulder and ear, half listening to the man on the other end.

_“I received a message that you were hoping to tour our venue for a wedding next year?”_

Immediately all her attention was on the man as she ran towards the couch and pulled out her notebook, quickly flipping towards the page with possible venues and their scheduled appointments. There was only one venue left and it was both hers and Hamish’s favorite.

“Yes, we’re hoping for some time in late July or early August.” She could hear typing on the other end of the phone and waited with bated breath.

_“I don’t have anything available for July or August, but we could bring you in for a tour and talk about other dates if you like it?”_

“Oh. Okay, that would work. When can we come out?” Vera deflated at the news; they hadn’t really drilled down yet to a certain day, just that they wanted it sometime next summer. And neither wanted to wait another year to get married. They _could_ choose a different place of course, but this one had _everything_ both of them were looking for.

 _“We could do sometime early next week…oh, hold on just a second. We_ just _had a cancellation get entered for 6pm on September 18th if you’re interested…”_

“Yes, we’ll take it. Do you need a deposit to hold it for us? Can you take one over the phone?” She was already moving towards her purse to pull out her wallet. Her cheeks were sore from smiling by the time she hung up after giving her card information to reserve the slot. They had a solid date for their wedding, September 18th.

Vera had just finished reading the confirmation email when she heard the door opening and looked up to relay the information. Her wide smile wiped from her face immediately when her gaze landed on a blood-stained Hamish stumbling through the door.

Her phone slipped through her fingers in horror when he turned around and she saw the blood smeared around his mouth and the terror in his eyes. She was already moving towards him when he fell to his knees weeping.

“I’m so sorry.” Hamish’s broken words slipped from him as he clutched her to him. She barely got him in the bath, his legs dragging heavily under him.

Both their tears fell from their eyes to mingle with the bloody water as she held him from behind with one arm while running the washcloth over him with her other.

* * *

Vera’s hands were shaking as she sat in her car trying to force herself to breathe through the pain. She had nowhere to go. For the last year and a half, they had lived together and now she had nothing.

After she packed, she had powdered their neighbors to forget about her ever living there and removed her name from the paperwork. No trace was left to ever indicate a Vera Stone ever lived there.

Her eyes drifted up towards the top of the building where their balcony was and released a howl of rage and agony as she started slamming her hands against steering wheel in defeat. She’d failed so many students and now him. _Them!_

She’s not sure how she made it to Bitsy’s apartment, but the damage to the left side of her car and face told her she almost hadn’t. Vera vaguely heard Bitsy trying to talk to her as she guided her out of the damaged car. On some subconscious level, Vera knew she was trying to figure out what happened, but Vera just kept muttering to herself quietly in shock.

“I have nowhere to go. It’s over. It’s all gone. He doesn’t remember me anymore. He said he had to forget me to keep me safe. I love him so much and now he doesn’t even know me. He promised! He promised me he’d never leave me unless I asked him to. But I didn’t ask. I begged him not too but he…I…what happened? Why does this keep happening to me?”

Vera felt Bitsy healing the damage to her face before taking a cloth and wiping the blood from it. “Jesus _christ_ , Vera. What the hell happened to you?!” Bitsy whispered in uncharacteristic concern while stripping the blood-stained clothes and seeing the dark purple bruising splashed across her waist, back and ankle.

“He’s gone. I’m alone.” Vera whispered brokenly as her friend healed the bruises she couldn’t feel. She didn’t remember showering or getting dressed, but she was sitting on the foot of the bed in Bitsy’s spare room in Hamish’s sweatshirt and boxers that she had stolen.

There was a plate of dry toast beside her telling her that Bitsy had been in, but she couldn’t remember it. She just stayed slumped forward slightly, staring straight ahead with unseeing eyes as her hand held his sweatshirt to her nose while tears continued streaming down her face.

Her thumb came up to trace over her ring in an effort to soothe herself, but when it didn’t connect with cool metal, the wind was knocked from her lungs. The shuddering cry at seeing her bare finger was muffled by her other hand clenching the sweatshirt tighter to her face in devastation.

The memory of him removing the ring from her finger and setting it in her hand before he stabbed himself playing on repeat in her mind. She had dropped the ring trying to save him and in the chaos that followed, she’d forgotten it.

She barely slept that night. Every time she fell asleep, she would wake almost immediately. Images of him stabbing himself and bleeding out right before her plaguing her dreams. Sometimes, the image would shift to show her being the one to stab him. The only thing that remained constant was him lying lifeless on the floor before her coated in blood.

And every time, she tried to calm herself by twirling her ring, a habit she had unconsciously picked up ever since he’d given it to her and she found herself worried about him. And every time, her thumb met skin instead of metal, reminding her that it wasn’t just a nightmare. He was gone.

After almost two years of promising her that he would never leave her and telling her that she could stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, she had _finally_ believed him. And just like every single time she had allowed herself to be happy in the past, it was taken from her.

There would be no wedding in September. No house with glass walls and a big secluded back yard. No little boy with black hair chasing after two small dogs as they watched. No sitting in his arms as they talked about their daughter being born.

 _Everything_ was taken from her because he refused to listen to her.

He promised that he’d never leave her. He promised to give her that future they had talked about. He promised he would stay safe. He promised that she would _never_ have to know what it felt like to live without him. He promised her that he’d _always_ be there whenever she needed him.

But she needed him _now_ , and he _wasn’t_ there. He would _never_ be there for her ever again.

Every promise he had ever made to her was broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm just going to go ahead and curl up in a ball and cry for the next few hours...


	16. It's Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...well...you all wanted the next chapter...but I'm going to go cry now...

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

**Eight Years, Nine Months Ago – December**

After three days of living with Bitsy, Vera couldn’t take it anymore and had gotten herself a cheap apartment near campus. She’d been there for more than two weeks now, but she was still living out of boxes. No matter how many times she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to unpack. It felt too much like giving up.

Besides, she was rarely at her apartment anyways. All of her time was spent doing her job as Chancellor or Temple Magus and any time _not_ doing her jobs, she would be locked away down in the vault going through the older books trying to find a solution.

More often than not she would wake up gasping for air to find she had passed out reading. Every night the image of him dead before her played on repeat in her mind. She’d only seen him once since powdering him and had quickly retreated before he could see her.

She couldn’t risk his memory coming back before she found a solution. All she had was a few items of his clothes and a single voicemail that she played over and over as she tried to convince herself that he was still okay. She had seen him laughing with a friend that day, surely, she would be able to keep him safe for her until she found a way to bring him back to her.

It was Edward’s offhanded remark about the dark circles under her eyes and whether or not she’s capable of handling the job that led her to where she is now. She needed to be able to sleep better before they removed her as Temple Magus. Now more than ever she needed the job for access to all the Order records on werewolves. She couldn’t forget him before he remembered her.

She looked up at the building and a broken gasp left her, her thumb tracing over her bare ring finger. If he had kept his plans, he should have left to meet his parents yesterday, meaning their, no, _his_ , apartment would be empty. 

With a deep breath, she walked towards the entryway and used her key to unlock the front door. Several minutes of silence had Vera’s fist was still poised to knock on what used to be their door.

She shouldn’t be here. He pleaded with her to move on. But she couldn’t. He refused to give up on her until the very end. It was her turn to be the strong one for them.

Her knock echoed around the hallway, but she heard nothing on the other side for close to five minutes and brought up her key to unlock the door. The breath was knocked from her lungs when she turned around to see everything was gone.

Vera refused to breakdown yet. She searched on hands and knees around the entire kitchen before moving through the rest of the apartment. Tears falling heavily from her eyes the longer she searched without success.

She found herself curled up on what used to be their bed as giant heaves wracked her body. It was the first night she’d slept more than an hour without waking up gasping for breath. But even this couldn’t last. He could come back to check on _his_ apartment at any time and she couldn’t be here when he did.

Vera found herself returning there every night for the rest of the week. Every night she would wind up curled up in the middle of the bed, clinging desperately to his pillow as she cried.

The night she knew he was supposed to be flying back, it was as if all traces of her staying there, including her scent, was gone again.

Her nightmares returned the same night.

* * *

**Eight Years, Eight Months Ago – January**

Vera was pacing nervously around her office at the University as she kept glancing to the clock. Ten minutes left now. She could feel her vision darkening as her heart raced within her. She couldn’t draw a full breath.

Without realizing what she was doing, she was bracing herself against the front of her desk with closed eyes as she fought to draw breath. She couldn’t do this. She had to cancel. Just as she was about to push herself off the desk and tell her secretary to cancel the appointment, she felt a hand land on her shoulder.

“Chancellor Stone? Are you alright?” His concerned words accompanied by his touch tore a pained gasp from her. It had been more than a month since she’d felt his touch and heard his concern directed towards her. It was too much.

She tried to take a steadying breath and turn, but the little oxygen she’d taken was stripped from her when her eyes landed on him. “Hamish?” It was a quiet, disbelieving voice as the world started spinning around her.

“Chancellor? Woah, you’re okay, I’ve got you, just stay with me, alright?” He caught her when her legs gave out before she could sink to the floor and carefully brought her to her chair. All she could do through the haze as he supported her was take a ragged breath of his scent that she’d missed. His sweatshirt no longer smelled like him with how often she wore it.

“Are you okay? You’re really pale and I think you have a fever. Do you need me to get you anything?” Hamish’s hand was still lying flat against her forehead as he crouched before her. Vera felt her hands twitch in their desire to reach out and pull him into her, but the trace of recollection in his eyes warned her to hold herself back.

“I’m fine. I just haven’t been sleeping much lately and forgot to eat lunch. Seems like it finally caught up with me…” Her words cut off abruptly when his hand shifted to cradle the side of her face as his thumb gently traced along her cheekbone. Both eyes drifted shut as she unconsciously leaned against his hand with a small sigh.

“Hamish?” A third voice breaking the silence of the room had her eyes snapping open to see Hamish’s face, that was much closer to hers now, rapidly pulling back as his hand jerked away from her. She looked towards the voice and saw the friend she’d seen him with a few times around campus had entered her office. Vera just barely held back her pained moan when Hamish pulled fully away from her with a look of confusion and, was that guilt?

“Hey honey. I didn’t think you were going to be able to make it.” Ice swept through her veins at Hamish’s words as he walked towards the redhead and captured both her hands. She could feel the woman’s glare on her but was frozen in shock as she stared at Hamish’s transcripts in front of her. Honey? No, she had to be hearing things.

“I love your father, I do. But I also know how you and him, have a tendency to butt heads, Hamish. Of _course_ I’m going to be here to support _my_ boyfriend.” Cassie emphasized before leaning up and kissing him, keeping her eyes open to glare at Vera.

“Thank you, Cassie. But really, I can handle this. You should go back to work...”

“What were you two doing just now? Why are you trying to get me to leave?” Cassie cut him off suddenly and Vera _almost_ scoffed with a roll of her eyes at the territorial jealousy. She wanted to hurl _‘he’s_ my _fiancé!’_ at the girl but swallowed her words and started straightening the papers on her desk.

“Are we _really_ going to do this every time, Cass? Can’t we do this at home?” He was trying to quietly plead with her as he pulled her off to the corner of Vera’s office. He clearly thought she couldn’t hear him, but each word flowed through her like shards of ice and the papers slipped from her fingers as she looked towards them in disbelief. Cassie noticed and sent a small smirk towards her before stepping closer to Hamish.

“I’m sorry babe, I know how much you care about me it’s just…well it _looked_ like you were about to kiss her. That’s crazy, right? You wouldn’t kiss her, right?”

“Never.” He promised while drawing her into another kiss. “She looked sick and almost passed out is all, I just wanted to make sure she was okay.” It hurt. A lot more than it should, and Vera turned her chair around to hide the pain on her face while pretending she was pulling something from the filing cabinet.

“Hmm, maybe she’s pregnant…” Cassie suggested, and Vera _knew_ it was said an effort on the redhead’s part to make sure any possible interest Hamish had for her would dissolve. But the theory had her frozen stiff with wild eyes.

She was late. Five and a half weeks late. Could she be pregnant? It wasn’t unheard of for her to be late when she was stressed, but still. More than five weeks late? She was exhausted and lightheaded all the time, but at the same time, she wasn’t sleeping. She hadn’t gotten sick at all, but she _was_ nauseous, but that could also be because of the lack of sleep and stress she was under.

“Cassie, I didn’t know you’d be joining us. Good to see you again, though after your little display over Christmas, I have a feeling you’ll be helping argue and most likely winning Hamish’s case to drop out of law?” Vera jerked her hand away from her stomach and whirled around to see a man that was clearly Hamish’s father giving Cassie a one-armed hug.

She couldn’t stop the hurt look she sent Hamish. He had brought this girl home to meet his parents, in _her_ place, after what could have only been a few weeks tops. They had been together nearly two years and she’d never met them. He wouldn’t even tell them over the phone that they were dating, much less that they were engaged, because his parents insisted that type of news be told in person.

When her disbelieving eyes met Hamish’s confused ones, she quickly snapped them back towards her desk. Why was he watching _her_ reaction when his parents and girlfriend were embracing? His girlfriend. He’d already found someone else.

She tried to avoid looking at him as the four sat before her to go over Hamish’s choices, but her gaze kept straying. She _tried_ to convince him to just give it one more semester before dropping it, she knew it was the powder influencing his decision.

He had _almost_ given into her suggestions, was even leaning forward giving her his full attention with his elbows on his knees as their gazes locked and he started nodding. Both of them were wearing small smiles until Vera saw Cassie’s hand come up behind Hamish’s back.

He turned into her and clasped her hand as she reminded him of how many times he had told her how lost he felt in his classes. He agreed with her and the paperwork was put through that evening for him to drop law and switch into philosophy.

The glare Cassie sent her as she linked her arm through William Duke’s arm and pulled Hamish from the room made her even more determined to find a solution to bring him back to her. Possibly to them, she thought while shakily bringing her hand up to cover her abdomen.

The look she saw him giving Cassie as they left the room told her she didn’t have long and her hand tightened. What if the test came back positive but she couldn’t find a solution in time? She couldn’t think about it, couldn’t let herself hope for either result.

He was already moving on without _her_. She couldn’t think about him moving on without _them_.

* * *

**Eight Years, Seven Months Ago – February 14th – Seventeen Days Later**

Vera numbly wandered back into her apartment. She had given all of her disciples the day off from Temple duty, knowing today would be hard to get through. It was their anniversary; they _should_ be together right now, but they weren’t.

A humorless laugh slipped from her lips as she locked the door behind her and looked at the mostly packed boxes littering her room. Two months and she was still living out of boxes because she refused to admit defeat.

The image she’d seen half an hour ago flashed through her mind again, tearing a sob from her as she collapsed onto the bed. She’d finally found part of the solution, but it would take months to finish. She didn’t have months if what she’d just seen was any indication.

She _should_ have stayed home today. Just taken the day off and stayed in bed. If she had, then she wouldn’t have stumbled on Hamish pinning Cassie to the side of the building as he kissed her. _That_ she might have been able to handle. She knew from their display a few weeks ago they were sleeping together.

It hurt to know that, but she _could_ handle it. What she couldn’t handle was his whispered confession of love to the other woman. It had only taken him two months to fall in love with another woman.

Vera curled tighter in on herself as her hand came to rest over her abdomen. She still hadn’t been able to bring herself to take the test and now she was even more terrified. Could she raise their baby alone if she _was_ pregnant?

His words promising her that future they imagined played through her mind. His devoted face as he told her how much he wanted it, sharpening to the point it almost felt like he was in the room with her. She _had_ to bring him back to her. He didn’t want to forget her. He loved _her,_ not Cassie. He just had to remember.

She would start tomorrow. She’d buy the ring to begin layering the enchantments and finally confirm if she was carrying a piece of him with her still. She would bring him back to her. Back to _them_ possibly.

A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips as her thumb stroked over her abdomen. The image of sitting in his arms as they watched their son play, smothering the memory of him telling Cassie he loved her until she slipped into her dreams.

When she woke with horrible cramps in the middle of the night to find herself bleeding, she refused to believe it was anything other than stress that had delayed it. She was exhausted because the stress of trying to find a solution and anguish of losing him kept her from sleeping. She was nauseous because of the stress, lack of sleep and pain of his absence.

Vera refused to let herself consider any other possibility as she climbed into the shower and waited for the pain medicine to kick in. She wasn’t pregnant. She hadn’t been carrying his child. She _didn’t_ lose their child because she _wasn’t_ pregnant.

Over and over again, she repeated those words to herself over the following months as she poured herself into creating the ring that would allow them to be together. A small whisper would continue to float through her mind every time she saw him with Cassie that forced her to work harder, if only to drown it out.

‘What if she _had_ been pregnant? What is she _had_ been carrying his child? Would he ever be able to forgive her for losing their child because she couldn’t take care of herself without him?’

And over and over again, her fists would clench as she scolded herself to stop thinking about it. She _hadn’t_ been pregnant.

It was _just_ stress.

* * *

**Eight Years, Four Months Ago – May**

Vera was trying to hold back the exhausted smile as she searched all over campus for Hamish. One hand was stuffed in her jacket pocket clutching the small velvet box that would solve all their problems.

She had alienated herself from everyone in its creation. Becoming ‘cold’ and often hearing some of her disciples and other Order members whisper about her ‘bitchy attitude’. It didn’t bother her. She was focused and didn’t have time to waste being ‘friendly’ or ‘chatty’ just so people would like her.

Both Edward and Bitsy had given up on her months ago, which she was honestly thrilled with. She knew they wanted to know what had happened between her and Hamish, but she refused to give them anything. Not when it would put him in the direct line of fire.

And she was doing her job remarkably well so they couldn’t threaten to fire her. The school and Temple were running perfectly now that the wolf attacks had stopped. She _knew_ Hamish was responsible for that. He wouldn’t let whoever had turned him kill innocent students anymore.

She had been completely alone for six months now. She rarely slept and had visibly lost weight. The dark circles under her eyes were still faintly visible, but she’d gotten very good at covering them with makeup. And though she’d unpacked _some_ of her things, most still remained tucked away in boxes stacked against one wall of her tiny apartment.

But none of it mattered anymore! She finished it! His ring was _finally_ ready! She was bringing him back to her. Today! Well, that is if she could ever find him.

After the first two hours of searching with no luck, she used her Chancellor position and pulled up his schedule. She timed it perfectly so she would be outside Professor Krowchuk’s classroom when the lecture finished. A frown worked its way onto her face when she didn’t see him leave the room.

“Chancellor?” Both eyes closed in dread as she forced a smile on her face and looked towards the redhead. With a brow raised she tilted her head to indicate she continue speaking. “You just looked like you were waiting for something…the class is empty if you wanted to speak with Professor K...”

“Hmm? Oh no, I was hoping to grab Mr. Duke on his way out. I’d like to speak with him…”

“He’s _not_ interested in you…” Cassie growled up at her while crossing her arms. It was that motion that pulled Vera’s attention to the girl’s hand and she felt herself take a step back in denial. “Exactly. I don’t know what sort of sick game you’re trying to play with him, but I want you to knock it off. He’s _mine_ and this proves it, so back _off_ and find your own man. Stop trying to take mine!”

Vera stared at the ring on Cassie’s finger as tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn’t breathe and almost stumbled as she started backing away from the smug girl before her.

Six months in and they were engaged. He asked her to marry him with what he promised would always be _her_ ring. But it wasn’t. It would never be her ring again.

It was Cassie’s now. Cassie Duke.

* * *

She spent hours curled up on her bed staring at the man’s silver wedding ring in front of her as tears poured from her. She had chosen it specifically for him and then spent _months_ imbuing it with powerful magic to make it safe for them to be together.

And all of it was for nothing. The last shred of that future she had been clinging to was ripped from her. She had _nothing_ left. Somewhere in the deeper recesses of her mind, one she wouldn’t allow herself to give voice to, stressed that she had nothing left so why bother?

It was a delirious laugh that escaped at that before she started sobbing harder. He gave her up to protect her. She couldn’t throw that sacrifice away by ending her pain…wait.

Vera pushed herself up on shaky arms and clumsily wiped her hands over her face as she tried to follow that line of thought. Was it possible? She looked around the room while nodding slowly. She had everything she needed.

If he gets to live his life and move on without pain, why can’t she? Mind made up, she pushed herself off the bed and started setting everything up.

* * *

Vera played the recording over once more, making sure everything was right. After the first four recordings, she added a small part about making up a lie about her being engaged and living with _‘Mr. Hair’_ in the past so Bitsy and Edward would stop inviting her to bars.

After the seventh recording, she added a part about house hunting, to explain why her stuff was in boxes. On the twelfth recording, she made up a lie about seeing a baby that looked just like Ally die in front of her to explain explained _why_ she had powdered herself.

She must have listened to and edited the message close to forty times until she found herself satisfied. All of his belongings or gifts had been brought to the dumpster down the road. She _never_ wanted something to spark her memories of Hamish returning.

Vera slowly sank down in the chair and adjusted the bag hanging on the fan before taking a deep breath. It was time to move on. She hit play on her recording, punctured the bag and immediately turned the fan on, closing her eyes just before the powder hit.

As planned, thirty seconds later, her voice started playing through the small apartment. She gave herself all the memories of her life. Every single pain filled moment but removed every trace of him from her memories.

When she woke several hours later, she knew nothing about Hamish Duke. She never had the desire to return her memories when she woke up covered in powder. She was convinced she had removed the image of a baby dying from her mind.

The only thing that was remotely suspicious to her was a pair of small gold bar earrings she couldn’t remember receiving but felt drawn to, particularly on Mother’s Day, Ally’s birthday and the anniversary of her death. And a man’s silver wedding ring mixed in with her photos of Ally. She brushed it off as part of the ruse of her being engaged and never thought about it again.

The ring lay tucked away, forgotten about, at the very bottom of the shoebox filled with photos of her daughter that she couldn’t bring herself to open.

Both items linked to her deepest pain, if only she could remember it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hurts...so much...why do I torture myself like this. Originally I had planned to have Vera wipe her memories after hearing Hamish tell Cassie he loves her...but my Muse said no...
> 
> Don't ask me if Vera was pregnant or not...I honestly don't know...ask WereKitte...we talked about it...and she surprisingly yanked me (my Muse) back...
> 
> Next chapter is post powdered Vera, but it should be the end of Vera's memories...I'm sorry


	17. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the amazing response last chapter and three people in our Vermish discord chat, WereKitte, Ccndce and equandt requesting I work on this one over my other stories, here it is...I'm sorry...

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

**Eight Years, Two Months Ago – July**

Vera hadn’t really expected anything when she answered her realtor’s call earlier that morning. She had told her that she _finally_ found the perfect house for her. After rejecting the first twenty houses they’d looked at, Vera very much doubted that.

She still found herself pulling up to the address given at seven in the evening. When her eyes landed on the huge glass walls, she felt a sudden pull she couldn’t place well up inside her. The feeling only grew when they walked into the huge, secluded back yard lined with woods.

Her mind went fuzzy for a minute, but she could have sworn she saw a snippet of a memory there. She saw herself reaching for a glass of water with her right hand while watching two small dogs chasing each other around the backyard.

Her head cocked to the side slightly. It was the strongest feeling of déjà vu she’d ever experienced but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt like something important was missing from it. Something _really_ important.

“What do you think?” Lacey asked coming up behind her and jerking her out of her musings. Vera looked back at the house and felt how right it was and nodded.

“It’s perfect. Offer five percent over the asking price. I don’t want to risk losing it to someone else.”

Within the month, she was moved into her new home and completely unpacked. The feeling of missing _something_ popped up occasionally when she was in her backyard, but it was easy enough to ignore with everything else feeling right.

Even if she never actually had a dream about it, she somehow knew that this was her dream home.

* * *

**Eight Years Ago – September 18th – Would be Wedding**

All day Vera felt _wrong_. She had the strongest urge to breakdown every time she remembered what day it was, but she didn’t know _why_! There was nothing on her calendar. Nothing had happened in her past on September 18th, so why did she feel this overwhelming depression whenever she saw the date?

For the first time since she started as Chancellor, Vera shut her computer off and left the university on time. The quiet of her house only made it worse. She was missing _something_ huge, but what?

After an hour of sitting in a depressive haze she couldn’t explain, Vera pushed herself off the couch and headed towards the shower. Less than three hours later, Vera was being pinned to her bedroom door by some random stranger she had picked up at the bar.

She shoved him off of her with a grin before unzipping her dress and letting it fall to the floor. He smiled widely as he took her in while undressing before she went to push him onto the bed. In her drunken state, she more _fell_ into him, but the result was the same. He was beneath her with his hands firmly gripping her hips.

When he rolled her beneath him and started kissing his way down towards her chest, she felt a suffocating guilt creeping in. Both hands quickly gripped his hair and pulled him away from her as she took several deep breaths.

“What is it? Did I hurt you or something?” His face held confusion as she looked up at him and knew hers matched. She shook her head slowly and released the grip on his hair so he could continue. The feeling only grew stronger as he started trailing kisses lower.

Her hands gripped the blanket to keep from pulling him off of her as she tried to let herself enjoy the moment, but the second she felt his tongue on her center a quiet pained gasp escaped. She knew he didn’t hear her right as his motions continued but she couldn’t breathe.

She fisted his hair again to pull him away, but he misinterpreted her motions and tears started slipping from her eyes as he sped up. “Hamish, stop. Please stop!” It took her several seconds to get her rapid breathing back under control and open her eyes.

“Who the fuck is Hamish?” The man demanded with irritation. Vera felt a stab of pain and guilt at the question, but she didn’t know anyone named Hamish. So why did the name cause that reaction?

“I…I don’t know…I…I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” She watched anger flow through him before he took a deep breath and forced himself to smile.

“Look, it’s fine. If you want to call me Hamish, I’ll go with it. We were having fun, right? Calling out the wrong name happens occasionally. I’m fine with it if you want to continue…” He purred while bringing his fingers down to stroke over her.

She _tried_ to let herself relax, but the second she felt him slipping his fingers into her, she felt that suffocating guilt again and shoved him away from her as she pulled herself into a sitting position with her legs drawn up to her chest. “No. Please see yourself out.”

“Really? Are you fucking serious right now?”

Vera could see he was planning to argue with her, so she pulled her legs in tighter and glared at him. “I said _no_. Now get out of my house. _Now_!”

She waited until she was sure he was gone and immediately rushed into the bathroom to shower. Why did she feel so dirty after what was supposed to be a quick fuck to feel something other than pain? She never had a problem with it in the past, so why now?

What was happening to her?!

* * *

**Six Years, Eleven Months Ago – October**

“Vera?”

She whirled around at the deep voice behind her to see Richard standing there holding a small bouquet of flowers. “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you it seems. My mom passed away last month; I was just bringing flowers. How are you doing?” He stepped closer as she turned to face her mother’s grave once more.

“I don’t know. I feel like I should miss her or at least feel _something_ with her gone, but I don’t. Does that make me a terrible person?” She only came here to see if maybe visiting her mother’s grave in person would stir up _something_ and help ease her guilt _,_ but she still felt nothing.

“Your mom was horrible to you after you got pregnant, Vee. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel anything. She didn’t deserve you anyways…”

“That’s rich coming from you.” She ground out while crossing her arms. His hand quickly pulled her left one off her arm and encompassed it with his while looking into her eyes.

“No ring?”

Vera cocked her head in confusion at the sudden stab of pain and tried to pull her hand away from his, but he held on tighter. “I’m not married or engaged, so no. No ring.” She couldn’t understand the excitement that slid across his face before a look of pain flowed over him.

“Will you come with me? To my mom’s grave? I know I treated you horribly in the past and I know we talked about this at your mom’s funeral, but I really _have_ changed. I just…I could use my old friend to lean on right now.”

Vera scowled up at him and yanked her hand free. “You’ve never been there for me, why should I be there for you…?”

“Because you’re a better person than me, always have been. I was also hoping you could maybe tell me about _her_ …I know, I have _no right_ after I abandoned both of you, but…I would really like to know about our daughter. Like I said Vee, I regret never getting to know her when she was still alive…”

“You really want to know about her?” She never talked to anyone her baby, but Ally’s father was a different story. She could already feel the tears welling in her eyes as he nodded and started guiding her back to his car.

She spent over an hour telling him stories about their child as she cried and drank. When he leaned forward and kissed her suddenly, she shoved him off with a sob.

He just looked at her with a soft smile and whispered, “Let me help you feel something other than pain. Let us _both_ feel something other than pain.” She didn’t fight him when he pulled her back into him and kissed her.

The usual guilt was drowned out by grief for her daughter. She tried to focus on what he was doing to her, to stop the pain she was feeling over the memories, but her tears continued to fall until long after they fell asleep.

When she woke up naked beside him the next morning with a splitting hangover and only fragmented memories of the night before, she felt sick with disgust and guilt over what she’d done. He thankfully didn’t wake up as she retched in the toilet before quickly dressing and leaving his house.

The disgust she could understand. She had allowed him to use her daughter’s death to get her into bed. He _might_ have been interested in getting to know Ally, but the snippets she had from last night said otherwise. They told her that the whole thing was just another sick play to get her vulnerable enough to agree to fuck him. And she fell _right_ into it. Again.

The guilt she _didn’t_ understand. Every time she got close to sleeping someone, it always bubbled up and had her leaving or kicking the other person out before it could go further. This time she hadn’t been able to stop herself before they’d slept together, and the guilt was ten times worse.

But why?! Why did she feel the need to stop it in the first place? There was _no_ reason that she should feel guilty for sleeping with anyone and it was _seriously_ fucking with sex life. Well _lack_ of sex life to be more accurate.

Maybe last night, despite the nauseating feeling it left, was exactly what she needed to get over the bizarre suffocating guilt.

* * *

**Four Months Ago – May**

Vera heard the floorboard creek behind her and turned quickly only to feel a hand wrap around her throat. Her eyes widened as the man forced her a step backwards until she was slightly bending backwards over the desk.

“Why is Belgrave’s Chancellor and Temple Magus in my basement?” His look of shock after his question told her he had meant the words to come out harsher than they had. But the husky tone came out seductive and she felt her body reacting to it without her will.

She felt his grip on her neck loosen slightly as his eyes traveled down her body and back up. When his gaze met hers again, he unconsciously stepped closer as his hand shifted and gently traced over her earring before slipping into her hair. Her eyes closed in pleasure instinctively but a quick tug on her hair had them snapping open again.

“Answer me.” His words were still husky, and his eyes were dark with desire, but the quick jolt of pain was enough to bring her back to herself. Guilt swept through her as both hands came up to his chest before forcefully pushing him away from her. She barely held the wince back as he refused to let go of her hair and the motion jerked her head forward slightly.

“Get _off_ of me! I’m here because Mr. Morton brought me in to brew a potion to destroy the Vade Maecum. So, if you don’t _mind_ , I’d like my hair back so I can get back to work.” She watched confusion flash through him as he shook his head as if to clear his mind and jerked his hand out of her hair.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did that.” He looked troubled as he lifted the hand that had just been buried in her hair before flexing it and looking back up at her. “I must have missed the message. I hope you can excuse my behavior, we’re not exactly trusting of the Order…”

“Yes well, after _you_ lot murdered a bunch of kids years ago, I’d say _we_ have more reason not to trust _you_ …”

“That wasn’t us…”

“Right. Sure, it wasn’t…” She scoffed while turning back to the potion. She felt him come up behind her before his hand landed on her shoulder and forced her to turn and face him. He was close again, _really_ close, but she could see it wasn’t intentional.

“That _wasn’t_ us! I was turned _after_ that. And I put a stop to killing innocent kids immediately. So, don’t stand there and act like you know a damn thing about us when _your_ lot murders…”

“ _My lot?!_ Get off me! I don’t give a _damn_ about what _you_ did or didn’t do! A werewolf killed _seven_ children my first year as Temple Magus. _Innocent_ children! And one of you _killed_ them! Their parents will _never_ get to know what happened to them! What does my lot do, huh? Practice magic? So that gave you the right to kill them?!”

“You had _two,_ this year alone, try to murder a professor! And one did…”

“A _werewolf_ killed his professor! You’re telling me I should kill him? Oh wait, of course not. _He’s_ a werewolf, so he’s excused despite the fact that Eric was a _good_ person! It’s just _non_ werewolves that are acceptable losses to you, right? Do you see the trend here?

“And those kids back then? They weren’t trying to hurt _anyone_! It is _my_ job to teach these entitled trust fund kids to learn and respect magic, not yours! Some aren’t cut out for it and some are selfish and make the wrong choice. It doesn’t give _you_ the right to play judge, jury and executioner!”

“That’s our job!”

“Are you think that’s okay?! Killing _children_ for learning magic?” They were standing nose to nose now and breathing heavily. She could see doubt with deep pain in his eyes and felt some of her anger rushing out of her as she saw the truth. “You don’t, do you?”

“No, I don’t. I…when we’re first turned, we have no control over the hides. I lost control two days after I was turned and killed a kid. I don’t know how but I _know_ he was innocent. His face still haunts me to this day. It’s been more than eight years since then but I vowed that day that I would never kill or let one of my Knights kill another _innocent_ kid. They had to perform bad magic _first_ …”

“That’s _still_ not okay! We can help those kids see the _right_ path and if they can’t, we have methods of removing them from the organization without them knowing magic exists. They can return to their families. They don’t need to die…”

“I know that. _Now_. I didn’t know back _then_ that there was another way…the Knight that turned me, she was the one responsible for all those deaths back then. It was hard enough reigning her in from killing innocent people, but she’s the one who taught me how to be a Knight.

“My hide, Tundra, is the leader, but she turned me. She never allowed me to think about another way without saying I wasn’t doing my job and we lost Knights. Their deaths, those are on me. It wasn’t until Jack joined that we learned we could let the magic peter out and save _both_ the practitioner and the victim. I made several mistakes, but I was just _trying_ to save people…”

Real pain and regret shown on his face and Vera felt her own suffering building. Both palms came to rest on his chest soothingly before she knew what she was doing. She just had the strongest urge to try and ease his suffering. A look of surprised confusion flitted across his face before she felt one hand wrap around her hip as the other worked its way into her hair and abruptly pulled her fully against him.

A moan slipped from them both the second their lips met. It felt _right,_ and she needed more. She knew it was the same for him as their soft kiss immediately turned desperate. Vera’s hands slid up to tunnel into the hair on the back of his neck and pulled him closer as she felt his hand shift from her hip to cup her ass and lift her until she was sitting on the edge of the desk.

Another breathy moan slipped from her as he stepped between her legs and pulled her flush against him. His lips immediately landed on her neck when they broke for air. She felt him tug gently on her hair to tip her head back further so he would have more access to her neck while guiding her leg up and around his hip with a graveled groan as he pressed further against her.

His hand left her hair to shrug off her overcoat before moving to untie the knot at the top of her shirt as she unbuttoned his vest. His frustrated growl at the stubborn fabric pulled a breathless laugh from her. He gave another growled huff before claiming her lips in a heated kiss to wipe the smirk from her face as both her hands dropped to undo the button and zipper on his pants.

Her hand had just slipped into his pants to cup him when the front door slammed open above them causing both of them to jerk away from each other. As soon as he stepped away from her and her leg dropped, reality rushed back to her and crippling guilt welled up again. His confused smile as he adjusted himself only made it worse. What the hell was she _doing_?!

She quickly pushed herself off the desk and threw her jacket back on while adjusting her clothes, hair, and makeup. She could see him stiffly doing the same with a handkerchief. It was clear to her that their actions had taken him just as much by surprise as they did her.

Once she was satisfied with her appearance, she looked up at him to make sure all evidence of their make-out session was gone only to see confusion, longing and arousal still showing on his face. Feeling her own arousal welling up under his dark confused gaze, she quickly brushed passed him, ignoring his quiet laughter at her discomfort.

As soon as she got upstairs and overheard Mr. Carpio telling Maddox he was a hostage, all thoughts of what happened in the basement were gone from her mind. She could deal with the implications of her actions later. If she survived till later that is.

She refused to acknowledge the rush she felt when he smirked at her and their little banter about killing. And she definitely _hadn’t_ been staring at him after they dealt with Kepler. She _hadn’t_ imagined him pinning her to the side of the house as they walked back into it to deal with the next threat. And she most _definitely_ hadn’t noticed him watching her, or almost reaching out to him, while the book burned before them.

Her denial did little to stop the images from coming and her guilt continued to rise until it was nearly suffocating her. She stayed just long enough to hide the restored Vade Maecum and clean up the immediate mess Coventry had left before driving home.

She rushed through her front door and dropped her coat and purse, too worked up to hang them on the hook. She heard movement in the kitchen and shook out her hands anxiously as she tried to smother the guilt.

 _Nothing_ happened…well _almost_ nothing…It was just a quick kiss. Kisses. _Relatively_ quick kisses. Okay, quicker than she would’ve liked. _Fuck_! She growled to herself while trying to shove the memory of him pressed against her and the image of his naked body from her mind. _Again_.

She _shouldn’t_ be thinking about him at _all!_ Much less what it would feel like to have him pinning her, _while_ naked, to the desk as he thrust into… _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

She didn’t wait for the man in her kitchen to notice her. And she didn’t give him a chance to see her guilty face before turning him and pulling him into an intense kiss.

Her mind immediately conjured the memory of _his_ lips on hers and compared the rush of it to the bored feeling currently flowing through her. A frustrated growl slipped from her at both her inability to push him from her mind and the less than stellar reaction her body was giving now. In stubborn determination, Vera pulled him in closer to try to drown out the memories.

“Mmm, seems like someone missed me…”

“Shut up and fuck me. Hard and fast.” She jerked him back towards her lips as she turned them, so he had her pinned to the counter. Her eyes stayed shut the entire time and after the fifth time of trying to smoother the memory of _almost_ doing this with the eldest knight in that cluttered basement, she finally gave up.

She allowed her memory to take over and let her imagination fill in the blanks as she was pushed closer to the edge. She felt _his_ name bubbling up as she began to peak and sank her teeth into her bottom lip to silence it as a _vivid_ image of his face, consumed with pleasure and, _was that love?_ , flashed in her mind.

If she didn’t know better, she would have sworn it was a memory with how clear it was. It was one of the best highs she’d ever experienced. Several minutes passed before she was able to come down enough to open her eyes and look up at him.

Her contented smile wiped from her face immediately as her gaze landed on a different man cockily smirking down at her. The guilt afterwards had her silently breaking down in the shower.

What the hell was wrong with her?!

* * *

**Present**

Vera took a ragged gasp for air when the memories finally stopped. A million thoughts were whizzing through her mind as she curled fully in on herself with a breathless howl of pain. There was one thought that was screaming louder than the rest as she sobbed.

She had ruined _everything_!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Um...at least we're back to the present?
> 
> The memory at her house...that one hurt...there were three huge things missing, Hamish, their son and their unborn daughter...oof.
> 
> Her no longer feeling anything for her mother, because Hamish wasn't there to guide her out of the blockage and her sleeping with Richard...another one that hurt. And I hate Richard...purposefully getting Vera emotional enough to sleep with him...gross.
> 
> The earrings in the final memory are the same one's Hamish gave her for Mother's day. They both feel drawn to them, but don't know why.


	18. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...I lied in my comments to those I told there were only 2 chapters and an epilogue...in typical me fashion, what was supposed to be the 'last chapter' before the epilogue has a whole bit I wasn't expecting so...there's two more chapters and an epilogue after this one...
> 
> And...um...please don't hate me...

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

“What are you doing?” Hamish’s growl startled all of them as they slowly removed their ears from the reliquary doors and slowly turned to see him standing menacingly behind them with arms crossed.

“Nothing…” Randall _tried_ for innocent, but Hamish’s glare darkened.

“ _What_ did you do to her?!” When no one would meet his eyes, a snarl slipped from his lips. _“Tell me!”_

“We made her think she lost a week of her memories so she would brew and take the potion willingly, but it’s been hours…it was _just_ a trick…” Hamish’s hand slammed against the doors at Jack’s hurried explanation.

“Dammit! You had _no_ right! She _wanted_ to forget, why can’t you all accept that?!”

“She only wanted to forget because _you_ didn’t remember her!” Lilith argued with him and met his glare with one of her own.

“You don’t know that! None of you do! _Anything_ could have happened to her to make her decide to wipe her memory! It’s been nine _years_!”

“Or it could be _exactly_ that!” Lilith refused to backdown despite the small whisper that told her he might be right. It didn’t even cross their minds that something else could have happened that would make her erase her memory.

Hamish let out a furious growl before turning on Alyssa and demanding she let him in so he could see her. The second he saw the empty room with the traces of flour still on her desk, his fury started to shift.

“Where is she?” Gone was his irritation, in its place was worry. He knew what that potion did and he knew about the pain of her past.

“She has to be in the vault. You three stay here, you come with me.” She didn’t give Hamish time to object before she grabbed his hand and started pulling him behind her. She debated for a minute before stepping forward and pressing the button to manually open the hidden entrance, not wanting to risk her magic blowing anything up.

“Don’t let go unless you want to live out your worst fear.” She warned as they stepped under the archway and started down the hall. Hamish could hear Vera’s soft sniffles as soon as the door opened and dropped Alyssa’s hand to try to locate the crying woman while Alyssa slipped back out of the vault unnoticed.

“What are you doing in here, Acolyte?”

Hamish frowned at the forced coldness of her voice and the fact that she wouldn’t look at him. He dropped down to his knees in front of her and shakily reached out to place his fingers under her chin to guide her tear stained face up until he could meet her eyes.

“Do you know who I am?” Pain flashed across her face before she batted his hand away and pushed herself up straighter. He watched her brush herself off and wipe the tears from her cheeks before she looked up to face him with a mask he’d seen many times. He’d just never seen it directed at him.

“I would certainly hope so. I am the one that inducted you into the Order if you recall. I’m not sure how you got in here or why, but you need to leave…”

Hamish’s hand reached out to clasp hers and forced her to look at him. She opened her mouth to retort but her gaze was drawn to his other hand and her mouth snapped shut. “You forgot this when you left.”

She reached out with a trembling hand and took the box from him before opening it. A small, pained gasp slipped from her lips at the site of the ring inside. “You remember?” She didn’t take her gaze off the ring as she asked the question, too terrified to hear him deny it. Her eyes closed as his hands came up to cradle her face and tilt her head up to see his tear-filled eyes.

“I am _so_ sorry I hurt you, sweetheart.” At the term of endearment slipping from his lips, Vera felt herself give into the pain she had erased so long ago and let herself collapse against him.

“I missed you so much, Hamish. You forgot and I tried but you…I…I couldn’t take it anymore...”

“Shh, I’m here now…”

“Council knows about you now. It’s not safe…” Hamish gently pushed her back as he heard her doubt creeping into her voice and met her worried gaze with his own.

“I’m _not_ leaving you again. Not after I finally found you again. We’ll be careful, okay?”

“No…no, you moved on. I saw you with Cassie…” He pulled her forward into a bruising kiss to stop her words and she let out a contented sigh as she sank into the kiss before shoving him back with a hurt look.

“ _Stop it!_ You can’t _do that_ , Hamish! You can’t just kiss me to avoid the subject! I deserve better than that!” She angrily wiped at her tears, but new ones took their place.

“I didn’t remember you Vera, but I still had _all_ the emotions. Cassie was the one who turned me and was responsible for all those deaths. I didn’t _remember_ hating her or even _why_ I would hate her when Tundra brought me back to the den a few days after I turned.

“I just remember her getting me drinks and telling me about the Knights before offering one of the spare rooms to me when I told her how suffocated I felt in my, no, _our_ , apartment. I moved in the next day, got drunk, slept with her and just never stopped...”

“Days. It only took you _days_ to sleep with her.” He looked up at her broken voice to see her staring at him with disbelief, pain, and anger.

“I didn’t remember you…”

“It took me over a _year_ after I forgot you! Almost _two_ from when you forced me to powder you!” She growled while shoving his hands away from her again. “And that was _only_ because Richard was there with me on the anniversary of my mom’s death and we got drunk. It took me _years_ to stop feeling guilty but you had _no_ problem sleeping with her _days_ after!”

“Wait a second, you slept with your ex?! With _Richard?!_ Jesus _christ_ , Vera! He pressured you into sleeping with him before you were ready, treated you like absolute fucking garbage and ditched you the _second_ he found out you were pregnant. What is wrong with you…?!” He couldn’t stop the anger from lacing his words at the knowledge that that man had somehow wormed his way back into her bed.

“You were _gone! That’s_ what was wrong!” She shouted while batting his hand off her knee. “And _I_ _know_ what he did in the past, but people change! He wanted to know about our daughter and I…no, you know what? You don’t get to sit there and judge _me_ after everything _you_ did. You broke _all_ of your promises to me, made me believe you and then abandoned me, just like…”

“I _didn’t_ abandon you, Vera! I was trying to save you!”

“We could have figured something out!” She yelled, shoving his hand away again. “You didn’t listen to me and you didn’t give us a chance! You didn’t give _me_ a chance because you didn’t trust me to find a solution! You gave up on me!”

“There _wasn’t_ a solution!”

“I _made_ one!” Her furious words stunned him into silence. The only sound that followed was their heaving breaths until she started talking again in an almost defeated voice.

“You ignored me telling you to leave the threat alone, got turned into a wolf, killed one of _my_ disciples and _still_ you wouldn’t listen to me. You forced my hand by trying to kill yourself, in _front_ of me, instead of trusting me to find a way. And by the time I found a solution you had already moved on with someone else. The same woman that destroyed our life apparently.”

“That’s why you forgot, isn’t it?” He asked softly, hands griped tightly together in his lap to stop himself from breaking down or reaching out. She gave a humorless laugh and looked up towards the ceiling.

“You brought her home to meet your family, Hamish. _Weeks_ after you met her. We were together almost two years and they didn’t even know I existed because _‘They have to be told in person and they’re always traveling’_.”

Vera took a shuddering breath as she remembered the next part and brought her hand up to wipe over her eyes. “You told her you loved her. On _our_ anniversary. It only took you _two months_ to fall in love…”

“I _didn’t_ though.” He interrupted with devastation welling within him as he realized just how much he’d hurt her. He never wanted her to have those memories tainting _theirs._ She gave another humorless laugh and he found himself reaching for her hand again in a desperate attempt to make her believe him, to try to _fix_ this.

“Stop it! Just _stop_ touching me!” She cried while yanking her hand out of his grip and taking several rapid breaths with her eyes closed to try and calm herself.

“My feelings for you _never_ changed Vera. I forgot _you_ but not my feelings and I couldn’t understand it. When I woke up after sleeping with her, those feelings were there. I _thought_ it was because of her because nothing else made sense. I couldn’t remember ever loving anyone, but I knew this woman and slept with her, so it had to be her.

“I brought her home with me because I couldn’t let her out of my sight because I _thought_ I was scared to lose her if I turned around. But it was because I’d lost _you_. I would catch whiffs of your perfume and feel this overwhelming joy spread through me before crushing agony and thought it must be related to Cassie because she was always there as well…”

“And so you asked her to marry you, after _six_ months!”

 _“No!”_ He watched Vera’s defeat turn to icy fury as she shoved the ring back at him before crossing her arms tightly around herself like a shield.

“Don’t _lie_ to me…” She snarled with furious eyes that were swimming with pain.

“I’m not lying Vera, I swear…”

“I _saw_ it, Hamish! I _saw_ what you promised me was _my_ ring on _her_ finger…”

“Wait, what?” Hamish felt his heart rate accelerate as he thought back to finding Cassie with the ring. She had been setting the table when he walked in and the ring was already shoved tightly on her finger. He had never considered the possibility that she had actually gone _out_ with it on. With a ragged breath, he looked up towards Vera’s cold face with wild eyes.

“Exactly. After months of research, sleep deprivation, closing myself off from _everyone_ and constant roadblocks, I _finally_ found a way for us to be together again. I spent _months_ imbuing a ring with powerful magic for you to suppress your wolf so it wouldn’t kill me. The second I finished I tried to find you. Instead, I found your fiancé wearing what _used_ to be my ring.

“And let me tell you, she took _great_ pleasure in telling me that you were hers. Seems she felt threatened by your little display of making sure I was okay after I almost passed out. You remember, right? When she casually brushed it off by saying I was probably pregnant, so you’d lose interest in me…”

“Were you?”

Her words were racing too fast to focus on, but that one he latched onto for dear life as he watched her furious mask slip. Both her hands came up to press the heels against her eyes as she curled slightly in on herself with a half sob.

“I don’t know. I was so focused on finding a way to bring you back and trying to just stay afloat that it didn’t even cross my mind until she mentioned it. I couldn’t bring myself to take the test because I didn’t know what I wanted it to say. I started bleeding two weeks later and I…to keep going I had to…I _have_ to believe that I was just late again…I can’t imagine…I’m sorry…I can’t…”

“Okay…okay, I understand, Vera. It’s okay.” He was hoping that she would drop her hands so he could see her, but they stayed firm against her face as she tried to take steadying breaths.

“There was _never_ a proposal, Vera.” Hamish started quietly and heard her pained scoff. “I’m telling you the truth, Love. I kept _your_ ring in my bedside drawer ever since I found it the day after you left. I came home to see her wearing it after we’d been together for six months. I _never_ asked her. She just assumed it was for her. I was furious when I saw it on her finger, more furious than I should have been, and I couldn’t explain why.

“I ripped it off her finger and put it back in the drawer before demanding she _never_ touch it again unless _I_ asked and explained that it wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. Every week for seventeen months we would get into an argument about that ring and me not being ready.”

He took a deep breath and tentatively brought his hands up to pull hers from her face before brushing her hair behind her ear. He smiled sadly when she didn’t shy away from his touch but didn’t lean into it either.

“Don’t you see, Vera? I would _never_ be ready to marry her. That ring would _never_ belong to her. It’s yours, _always._ ” He promised before leaning forward slowly to kiss her but just before their lips could connect, her hand landed flat against his chest and gave a small push.

“Don’t.” He pulled back to see her looking off to the side as she bit her lip. A tell that she was uncomfortable and nervous.

“It’s been nearly nine years, Hamish. People _can_ change and he…I…I made choices that…there’s something you…nine years is a _long_ time, Hamish.” She was hedging, another one of her tells. He studied her features and saw the heavy regret in her eyes. His hands dropped in defeat as he made the connection.

“People can change? _He_? You didn’t mean you changed, did you? You meant _Richard_ changed?” Another tear slipped from her eyes as she opened her mouth to respond before looking down and nodding. His hand scrubbed over his face and hair as he felt the choking sensation building in his throat.

“You didn’t just sleep with him once, did you? You’re back with him?” Another small nod and he couldn’t help the ragged breath as his hand sifted through his hair. “This whole time?” He wanted to be relieved when she shook her head, but her refusal to meet his gaze did nothing to ease his pain.

“Is it serious?” He knew his words were getting more difficult to understand as his anguish grew, but Vera gave a small shrug and kept her eyes hidden from him.

“We’ve been together a little over a year and we’re living together. A little over four months now…”

“He was living with you when you kissed me at the den…?” He watched her flinch at his irritation and tried to rein in his ire at the situation.

“ _You_ kissed _me!”_ She pointed out, but it was a weak argument to both their ears.

“You kissed me back, Vera and we _both_ know it would’ve gone further if we weren’t interrupted…”

“It was a _mistake_! It _never_ should have happened in the first place!” Her growled words would have hurt more if he didn’t hear the doubt and pain in her voice. Something about the way she kept gaze down as she argued with him told him there was something she was hiding.

Something that scared her. His eyes trailed over her to try to find what it was but zeroed in on the placement of her hand and felt the oxygen being sucked from his lungs.

“You’re not…?” He couldn’t finish the choked question but the anguish in his voice was enough to pull her attention and she followed his gaze to her hand resting over her abdomen.

She hung her head lower and let out a small sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so...I had this chapter and a large chunk of next planned and drafted before any of Vera's memories...and personally, I love it so...well...I hope you all don't hate me for it...
> 
> I did hint at it right before Vera took the potion, I just hoped everyone would believe I was talking about Ally...for those curious it was in chapter 3, 2nd to last paragraph 'In an attempt to quell the nausea or her nerves or some other subconscious desire to be close to her child, her hand came to rest over her abdomen as she took a deep breath.'
> 
> But I promise, this WILL have a happy ending...in fact, I think this is the last painful one...I think...


End file.
